An Aussies American Adventure on a KLR650

My Brother the King of rash decisions, decided he would see America on a dual sporter, here is a series of emails he sent during his epic journey from one end of America to the other!! it is a big read that has not been edited or spell checked but funny as hell, well worth the effort to read.

So here we go…The Anthony show.
As most of you are aware I was supposed to buy a
KTM640 for this trip. I spent numerous days on the
internet trying to find a deal on a bike so that I
could just meander into that particular store and buy
the bike without hassle and head off on the Journey..
I got a great price from a dealer in Pennsylvania and
had built up quite a relationship with him and we were
constantly sending each other emails and jokes etc.
One day I received an email from the dealer and I also
received some interesting porn from someone else (who
I won’t mention), anyway as I had been going great
guns with the dealer I had some Q’s to ask and I
attached the new porn as pre payment (I don’t know
what I was thinking) and that was the last I heard from this
guy.
Onto the next best deal, a dealer in Buffalo told me
he had one there for the money I wanted so the
decision was made to fly into Buffalo and buy the bike
Blah blah blah. Gets to Buffalo -3 degrees.
FFFAAAAARRRKKKK!!! I thought. Went down to Deliverance
country to see the guy only to be informed that he
didn’t HAVE the bike but could GET the bike.FFFARRRRK
And being the king of impatience I decided that I was
going to get the hell out of that cold and buy me the
first bike that came along!!
So I rented a car and drove from the Canadian Border
to Atlanta where I found a KLR 650 Kawasaki. Bought
the bastard, had all the shit necessary shipped from
California overnight and had the bike set up and
registered and ready to go the following afternoon.
Bingo. Things were working.
Although I was keen to get on the big adventure I met
some great guys at the hostel in Atlanta and we just
hung out for a couple of days cooking up a storm and
drinking every Fosters in Atlanta. (FOSTERS!!! I hear you say….
I know but have you tried BUD!!???)Finally I wakeup one day without
feeling seedy and decided that it was time to make a
move. Geared up with my panniers on the sides (
aluminium 45 ltrs each BIG). Camping gear across the
back seat and across the top of the panniers and a
great big tank bag. I looked the part, if only LOOKED.
Off on the high roads to adventure in the direction of
the sin city New Orleans. I was starting to get a sore
ass and decided that I would have a nosh at Maccas,
simple enough you think!! I walk into Maccas and have
my lunch and as I was leaving there was a whole bus
load of army doods come into Maccas. Some guys
commented on the bike . COOL RIDE MAN etc along that
vein.
Anyway after exchanging pleasantries I get all the
shit back on, jacket , helmet, bum bag etc and as the
bike is quite loaded and you cant swing your leg over
you have to place it through the gap that is left
between the tank bag and the shit on the back. Simple
enough, though simple for a tall bastard I have to
heave my leg up over the seat like a ballet dancer
only on this day I lifted the leg up as I was moving
forward and gave the bike a karate kick that Jacky
Chan would have been proud of(because Im slightly
vertically challenged) and sent the bike sprawling,
these incidences always happen in slow motion and as I
saw it going I tried to grab the handle bars and stop
it from going over. I forgot that I was off balance
and the bike now weighs 300kgs. What happened ? It
threw me like a gold medal Judo wrestler would have.
Fair on the flat of my back in the car park of Maccas
with all the BOYS looking on. I got up took the karate
stance , kicked the bastard and then tried to lift the
heavy bastard up with dignity. Didnt happen.
Anyway I made it to New Orleans with out further
trouble.
The Jazz fest was on and we ( others from the back
packers) did some jazz shows in parks , a ride on a
paddle steamer on the MIssissippi Bourbon street at
night where thy have 3 for one happy hour until 9=Sore
head next day. On the Saturday I went to a jazz
funeral. A famous JAzz musician had passed away and
they put on a mardi gras style parade throught he
street -playing Jazz and singing while dressed in
costumes. It was a 2 mile procession and it was really
something special.(Photos to come)
Then I went upto Memphis about 500 miles away and
broke the ride up into 2 days. the first i rode along
a parkway with no signage and no commercial transport.
It6 was really a nice ride. I pulled up late in the
afternoon and set up camp in the woods. I was really
spent so I had a cup of tea and decided not to cook so
just went straight off to bed. I awoke in the middle
of the night to various russles around my tent. I was
STARTLED!!! What could it be , so I let out a big
roar, RAAAARRRRRRRR i went ( dont know what I was
thinking because now the boogie man knows where I am)
I ripped open the tent to find the biggest meanest
scariest squirrels you have ever seen attcking my
groceries. BBBAAAAASSSSTTTAAAARRRRRDDDSSSS.
I had a little trouble getting back to sleep after
that. I never did say I was the Crocodile Dundee type
so get stuffed.
Anyway at daylight I headed for a meeting with the
KING. Memphis here I come.
Arrived into Memphis at around 5 to find that the
Blues Fest was on . Straight out of the Jazz fest to
the Blues fest. Could My poor old liver take any more
of the BIGG ASS KICK BUTT 48 OZ beers ? Yeh just a
couple I suppose.
I checked into the camp groun and went into to town
where oit was really going off. I had a few beers a
half a pig (ribs , everything is so damn big in this
country)
and watched some street performers. Off to bed as the
next day I had a meeting with The KING>
Im going to Graceland, Graceland Memphis Tennassee, Im
going to Graceland ummmmummummmmm cant help sin that
song , Im going to Graceland.
I was welcomed to the Graceland carpark by Lisa maree

‘s lovely recorded message. Welcome to Graceland .
Home of Elvis Presley. Why ….Thankyou very much ,
Lisa maree.
$17USd or $30 odd Aussie $ later I had a ticket for
the house tour.Cars ,planes and the rest were another
$10….Nahhhh thats two big ass kick butt beers!!!!
Economics and justification of the poor weary world
traveller.
Yeh at least i can say I went… Was it worth the
humiliation of the MAccas car park, the attack of the
killer Squirrels not to mention the Hail storm at 3 in
the morning!!!??? You be the judge.
Spent the afternoon wandering the Civil rights museum
( 2 more big ass beers in entry). then back to the
camp ground to get tubbed up for the evening
activities . The POW WOW. The local indian tribes
reserve backs onto the camp ground and they put it on
once a year. I went along to see that and It was
really good. Next morning , as it was a Sunday I went
off to church. Reverend Al Green a 70 country singer
is now a reverend and runs this church where they sing
everything and have the full BIG MUMMA Black choir. It
was fantastic.the only church Ive laughed so hard in.
Then finally to Nashville where I arrived at around 8
last night and at 10:30 the storm
came……FFFAAAAAAARRRRRKKKKKK, dont want to go
through that again. I had to get out of the tent and
move it to higher groung as it was in 2″ of water. At
2 am the mother of all storms hit and I spent the next
4 hours waiting for the lightning to strike my tent.
At daylight the storm dissipated and i qiuickly packed
all my gear and got the hell out of there and went to
another campground that has little shacks because
while I was getting breakfast i saw the news and there
had been a tornado go through the next town and 6
people were killed and plenty of damage.
So thats it up until now sorry that its so long and I
will keep it shorter from now on as I ve found out how
to get to libraries easier.
We have another cyclone warning for tonight and there
are rumblings out there now so Im off. Be good nad I
wish you all good health.
AD

Hey again everyone. I hope this reaches you all in
good health. I am still kicking , slight case of sleep
depravation, but none the less, still kickin’.

I cant remember where exactly I last left off but I
think I was still in Nashville after living through a
hell of a night in the tent.

I went back to the campground in Nashville where I was
trying to escape the weather. Apparently the weather
here has been extremely unusual this year and there
have been unusually high numbers of Tornadoes. (Lucky
Me!!). Back at the camp ground I was staying in a
small cabin that was on the camp ground( resembled a
small wooden garden shed with a bed) It was supposed
to protect me from the Tornados. Well , the owners
obviously hadn’t spent the night in one during tornado
season. I felt safer in my tent. at least it had
proven itself. anyway I went off to see an Elvis
impersonator show and to my surprise he was very good.
All the right pelvic gyrations in all the right place
, directed at all the nutters in the crowd. I mean
this guy looked as much as Elvis as I do and these
crazies were going nuts calling out his name ,
reaching up to touch him and the normal groupie crap.
It was hilarious. The groupies were kissing him and
were wrestling over his sweaty scarves that he, after
wiping his Elvis brow, threw to the crowd. Absolute
pandemonium, but the funniest thing I saw for a while.

I spent the night in the cabin which, at one stage
thought about pitching the tent inside of for added
protection. It was shaking and squeaking all night
long . again once morning broke I went up to the
office , checked the weather , more of the same stuff
, so I packed my gear had a look at the map and asked
the girls where there are no tornados.
“By the sea!!” was the answer.
So I checked out and headed to the ocean, which on the
map looked around 11cm which I figured would be about
a 3 hour ride. from the moment I sat my ass on the
seat the rain started. I may have mentioned before but
the waterproof BMW riding suit that I bought at a cost
that would clear the debt of many small African
nations , was in fact NOT waterproof!!!! so for 3
hours I rode in the pouring rain, just to escape the
tornados which Im sure were nav tracking me and
weren’t far behind me as the rain was relentless.
I rock into a garage to get some GAS (not petrol, it
has to be GAS, because if you say PETROL they give you
the old Pauline Hanson “please explain” look). Anyway
asked the rocket scientist behind the counter how far
Charleston was and same look! I jumped on the bike and
hit the road thinking that I was about 20 miles away
and by this stage I had to stop occasionally to wring
out my internal organs I was that wet!
After about an hour of riding I had to pull into a
DINER to get a coffee to warm up! 280 More miles I was
told. I had misjudged the centimetres. I was dirty as
hell at being so stupid, but after telling myself how
stupid I was for so long and as often as I do I dont
believe myself anymore, I actually find comfort in the
whole process. I started to think that I knew all
along how far it was… try and work that one out.
(too many lonely hours on the bike with nothing but me
and me to talk too.)
Anyway after dark it got a bit hairy in the rain but I
managed to arrive in Charleston on the South Carolina
coast at around *8 pm after setting off at 7am. I was
spent. I set the new record for how many beers drank
after arrival at the hostel but yet to set foot in the
front door! I picked up a dozen beers on the way and
polished off 8 before checking in. Something to aim
for. Very important in Adventure Motorcycle
travelling!

I spent a couple of days just chilling in the hostel
and then decided it was time to clear out as I had to
meet the guy that I was going to be travelling up to
Alaska with, in North Georgia in a couple of days
time, so I hit the road in low 30’s temp with all my
bike gear on I look like the Michelin mans older SUMO
wrestling brother. Im HUGE!! and its hot . For those
of you who know about the level of my mechanical
abilities, or lack there of , you are probably
surprised that I would even contemplate doing
something like this on my own. Well……..why didn’t
you express those damn concerns!!!!!! I didnt think of
that , I though nothing would go wrong . Im bubble
boy, I live in the hassle free environment!!
I travelled 3 blocks from the hostel and boom…the
exhaust blew off… I pulled up in the carpark of this
distribution centre and I had heard that the hostel
wasn’t in the best of areas,so I wasn’t too happy to
have my bike all packed up with my worldly possessions
and then have to run back to the intersection to pick
up my exhaust, which in my panic state had forgotten
that they get HOT!!! Luckily I had gloves on. Melted
all the palm of my glove and looked like a bigger dick
when I grabbed it then realised it was hot and then
threw it again. These things tend to happen to me.
I was able to get it fixed using my Kawasaki supplied
tool kit and a roll of wire I found in the car park.
Another 300 miles further and I was in Athens Georgia,
known for being the birth place of R.E.M and the
B52’s. Nice little town and a nice little hostel run
by the weirdest family possible, made Ozzie Osborne
seem semi normal. Had the local Chinese for dinner and
hit the fart sack.
Awoke to nice weather , and I was looking forward to
the 100 mile ride through the mountains.
I started off and everything was fine then i saw the
clouds. Big black bastards just up ahead and all the
cars coming toward me had their lights on, so I
guessed it wasn’t far ahead, so I pulled over under an
over pass to get all my waterproof jacket that I had
since bought out and get my luggage sorted. So here I
am on the side of a freeway with big ass truck flying
by, getting my gear out when all of a sudden,
completely out of nowhere, I got the “PANG”
…yehhh…the PANG. For those of you not familiar
with the PANG, you might know it as BOURBON
BELLY…yep, the copious amounts of bourbon that I had
consumed the night before to make the Adams family
understandable had returned for revenge.
the only cure for the PANG is to ………..well
…….you know… go…..but on the side of a major
interstate highway was always going to be difficult.
Especially when going in all this bike gear even in a
Restroom it challenge enough. (You know some thing is
coming don’t you!!)
anyway off I head down over a small ledge into a small
ravine where water would gush during heavy downpour,
but not all the time, so I figured I could get down
low enough to not be seen, managed to do all that
without getting all hooked up on the spiky vine that
was growing all around as was reasonably pleased with
myself until it came time to pull up the dacks (for
those who are wondering ..an “Adventure” motorcyclist
always carries the appropriate toile tries, no getting
stinging nettle confused with Soft-ex ).
In the process of getting straightened out I stood on
a rocked that put me off balance and I went crashing
head first to the deck! Missed the spiky vine but I
got familiar with Poison Ivy. Fun and games . It hurt
like a BAAASSSTTTAAARRRRD! So i spent the next hour on
the bike scratching and stinging like hell.
I arrived at the bike only camp ground in one piece
and met the guy I am travelling with. Fixed the bike ,
got some stop itch and things were looking better.
It was a really nice camp ground and I was looking
forward to something to eat and a few beers. But…it
was a dry county, meaning no alcohol in the entire
county , 35 minutes to the county border to buy some.
I had had enough of the bike so I went without.
Next day we were headed for a place called Deales Gap
an 11 mile piece of road with 382 curves, mostly
35km/hr and under corners. Getting there was through
some of the most beautiful country side I have ever
seen. Beautiful green foliaged trees greenish rapidly
running rivers cutting through mountains that shot up
out of no where. It was really spectacular. we spent a
couple of days riding around up in the mountains and
we were up to 5500 ft at one stage and it was so cold
and at the highest point on the mountain range we had
120mph gusts of wind , so it was quite a challenge to
keep the bike upright.
We stopped on the road that runs along the ridge to
have some lunch and the wind was blowing around 35-40
knots, so we were happy to be out of it for a while. A
lady came in to the diner to tell us that one of our
bikes had been blown over, I knew who’s it
was….yep….mine!! No damage , just the aluminium
boxes were a little dented. No problem , the bike
needed some character.
After lunch we continued for a few hours to a camp
ground which was at 4300ft and where we would spend
the night. According to the map food, fuel and
accommodation were available about 1 mile up the road
so Scott ( new riding partner) and I headed for some
beers and food for the night.
Fuel and accommodation were available but
FOOD…chips, peanuts, ice creams were it. again no
beer!So we got some nuts , popcorn and some
marshmellos for the fire, (because we all know how
good marshmellos were on the open fire when we were
kids…right…)
As we rode in the gate I saw some firewood on the
ground near a vacant campground and I got Scott to
load up the area between me and the handle bars with
fire wood. He looked at me like I was a nutter but i
gave him the old “don’t worry mate!!! Im from
Australia, home of Mick Dundee and Steve the crocodile
hunter” look and he stacked me high. ( don’t forget
that this is the guy that saw that my tool kit
consisted of a roll of rusty wire and the standard
Kawasaki tool kit, watch me rub most of my upper body
with stop itch after my “incident” with the poison ivy
and then watched me snap one of my tent poles of my
new tent after telling him that it, and only it had
saved me from certain death when the tornado came.)
After I had a nice pile and it was actually starting
to hurt, but I had to prove myself and gave him a grin
and off I went headed for the camp ground. “I can do
this” I thought to myself…….NOT…….I had
neglected to remember that there was a corner I had to
take and surprise surprise as I went to turn one of
the logs moved and threw me off balance and I was well
on my way to having a chat with my good old mate..the
road!! Crash…….As you could imagine I let out a
barrage of expletives then as cool as possible picked
up the bike . By now everyone in the campground and to
make matters worse a group of fellow bikers had arrive
in our absence and were just in time for the
Australian version of Mr Bean show!!Curse Curse
Curse.. As i watched the logs go rolling down the road
and all over the place I picked up the bike, at which
I am becoming more efficient at and proceeded to the
camp ground empty handed. “ADVENTURE MOTORCYCLING”
We had a good night, as I had recovered most of the
wood and we had the most sheltered campsite all the
bikers ended up at our campsite and between them all
we had enough rum and brandy to see us through the
night.
The next day wasn’t as windy but better so we decided
to make tracks for Scott s parents place who live in
New York state about an hour north of New York City.
I only had one more incident on the way which again
was falling off the bike. Im fine at speed , Im just
no so good when we are stopping. You know traffic
lights and the likes. We pulled up at a set of lights
in Virginia and I was at the front of the lights and
…well I don’t know I just fell over… Crash.. down
I went in front of about 30 cars..By now im used to
this and don’t even blush. Just dust off the jacket
pick up the bike and get on and off I go.
So for all you potential “ADVENTURE MOTORCYCLISTS” out
there ………..the way I do things is NOT the way to
do it. Scott carries enough tools to work on an
aircraft carrier, enough spare parts to build another
bike and shit that I’ve never heard of. He has been
planning this for 12 months and has been getting his
bike ready for 6. He has the routes all worked out ,
even down to where he has had his next set of tires
sent to. So apparently I am not the “NORM” when
it comes to this type of “ADVENTURE TRAVEL” I have the
Kawasaki stock tool kit, some wire (neatly rolled
around my blinker for easy access) no clue of where Im
going what roads Im going to use, I decided 3 months
before going that I was going, Packed my shit at 6am
for a 9am flight, don’t know how to change the oil on
my bike, which I bought on the Monday of arrival, had
all the pannier s etc shipped over night set up on the
Tuesday and was on the road to Adventure on the
Wednesday, I know that the bike is a 2002 model but a
KLR 650 what j , k,rz1 I have no Idea.
So you all tell me who is the true
“ADVENTURE MOTORCYCLIST”

Next week. Crash does New York ( crash is what I get
called now)

WARNING: the following may contain scenes that may be disturbing to those who wish they came with me.

The Alcohol consumption depicted in the following is by no means indicative of the daily consumption of chilled beverages by myself under normal living conditions. Potential employers or lovers should pay no attention to the amount or better still press DELETE!

Hi everyone,

I hope you are all well.
At the time of my last edition, I had in fact been to New York City but I had used up my hour at the library and was getting the evil eye from the Internet NAZI behind the counter at the local library, so the following had actually taken place at the time of the last email but time hasn’t allowed me to get to a library. Plus we have been in the Canadian and North American Boondocks and they have no Internet.

Well, Scott’s parents live in a leafy suburb of New York State about 26 miles from NYC. We arrived there on the Saturday morning , in the rain of course, and we were greeted with open arms and a delicious Stew.
We had to get some stuff from the outdoor store so we headed for the largest in the region. We got all our goods and there was a video that was playing ” How to keep safe in bear country” and as we are heading that way we decided to get the video and see if there were any useful hints on bear behavior and the likes. Back at Scott’s we break out the Fosters that Scott’s dad had chilling for me ( if I haven’t told you before Fosters is perceived as the ultimate Australian Icon and we all carry one instead of a gun) , sat down and watched the video.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmm. Was this for real? They were telling us that if a 500kg Grizzly is startled by your presence you should raise both hands in the air ( to give the impression of being bigger) whilst saying to the Bear” whoa bear whoa bear I’m human I’m human Whoa bear!!” apparently the bears can understand and will generally make a speedy departure from the area.( what do you think? Should I try this?!!)
Oh they did go on to explain that if he was a non English understanding bear (ie one that hadn’t graduated from Yogi’s school for understanding dickhead humans) that you were to play dead!! I have a suspicion that you wouldn’t be playing for long! And finally if the bear was to attack … Fight the bear off!!! These people were deadly serious ” whoa bear whoa bear!!!” …..Na………… Scott has the Street sweeper ( sawn off 12 guage shot gun) …I think we will be trying the BANG BANG then ” whoa bear ” routine. Wasn’t in the video but would work better I think!
Anyway ……..I decided to head to the big smoke after a couple of days at Scott’s parents place still with the ” whoa bear whoa bear” still embedded in my mind.
I arrived at the central bus station and headed fro The Big Apple Hostel a hostel about 3 blocks from the bus terminal and 100 meters from times square. How many of you think that Times Square is a Square? Go on who? I did , and its NOT!! Its a triangle , Times Triangle has a sort of ominous ring to it, I guess thats why they called it a Square.
As I approached Broadway I could see a Guy standing in the center of the median where Broadway and Times St’s crossed and formed a small triangle in the middle of the road. he was wearing a cowboy hat with flowing golden locks, gently swaying in the with Spring breeze blown in from The Hampton’s…Oops got a bit carried away. Yeah, he had the hat , the hair, a pair of cowboy boots and a pair of white Yfronts with THE NAKED COWBOY plastered across the ass in red. He was singing up a storm and the girl tourist were all giggling like a bunch of school girls in a sex toy shop. WELCOME to NY CITY I thought to myself as I walked by him trying not to look because I didn’t want anyone thinking I was a POOF or anything but the word “shrinkage” did crop to mind as all of you Seinfeld watchers would understand.
I finally arrived at the hostel after taking a left at 45 th street instead of a right and walking 3 blocks into a less than desirable part of the city. Main St’s are fine but walk back behind the main St’s and it a whole new world.
Checked in and wandered around the city getting my bearings for a few hours and then it was getting close to beverage time so , as I’m on a budget and NYC is very expensive I decided to head back to the hostel and have a few that I would pick up along the way. At the shop the prices were $2.50/ 355ml bottle of Fosters so I only got a 6 pack and a can of Sapporo 655ml, and headed back to the courtyard of the hostel. As it was only about 4pm I was the only one so sat there and pondered some of Charles Darwin’s theories while enjoying a chilled beverage. After the first they started getting tastier and I was in a mood so they were going down at a nice pace. A group of 3 guys walked in and sat at the table and started yabbin’ away. They were 3 of 4 blokes that had traveled from OZ to watch the cricket in the West Indies and there were quite a few other blokes who had done the same staying at the hostel.They went out and got some more so I went along ….to be polite …. and got a few more. This time I thought that it was time to get serious and got some Fosters KEGS a 655ml can , I think I got a half dozen!!
We sat out the back talking about the cricket and slowly but surely every Australian that was at the hostel has found their way to the group with their beer of choice. Needless to say we had a few and were getting a tad noisy when at around 11pm the hostel manager asked us to keep it down or he would have to shut the courtyard! What do you do, first night in the big apple slightly wobbly and told to keep it down, call it a night right?!!! Naaaaaa…….lets hit the town!!! So off we went all 9 of us , I cant remember all the names but there was Tadpole , Chops ( that wasn’t his name but had 2 of the ugliest side burns ever grown on a head that god must have just created the cash register prior to creating him and the couldn’t get the design out of his head), Cancer ( that wasn’t his name but had this nasty growth on his arm), bear, Lowdy and a couple of others.
We shot down to SoHo to have a look around there as it was only a Monday things weren’t really happening so we had a few there and headed for Greenwich Village, we were told that that was a cool place to go ..off we went! What we didn’t know was that it was the Gay area of town and the guy that told us about it is probably still laughing. After a few different bars we ended up at a Karaoke bar and we all know who is the King of Karaoke…..It didn’t take much to get me up on stage and what does one sing after a night in gay land?? you got it DJ….Dancing Queen!! I was a hit!!! Girls screaming the occasional pair of undies etc, Naaaa that didn’t happen but I thought I did a good job, so did the guys , which by now had dwindled to only the four stayers.
Heading back to the hostel Chops was feeling a bit hungry so I went with him to the Golden Arches. I needed a wee wee and lined up with the rest to get to the bath room. When my turn came along I walked into the toilet with just the room for a toilet and basin and went to lock the door when some bloke came barging in….Natural reflexes…….throw him out!! Went about my business and gave it no more thought until I exited and there were 2 guys standing at the door waiting for me and one came at me …..Natural Reflexes ( but sober enough to remember where I was) ….the old double palm to the chest when not expecting it ….result ……dick head skidding across NYC Maccas at 3:30 am.
His mate obviously thought that I must be able to handle myself if I was to do something like that so he decided to Annalise the situation.
” Why did you do that for?”
” Because he was in my way”
” Oh…but you didn’t have to….blah bklah blah”
then his mate gets up off the floor and starts yelling at me to hit him right here as he was pointing to his chin and doing something that looked like he was trying to shake an army of ants off his chest
What do you do?……………….
and at the end of the hit me sentence he keeps yelling , ” because if you do you’ll be spending the rest of the night in a cell” he finally manages to get what he was attacking on his chest out from under his shirt…..The big old badge of the NY PD…”oops” I thought and replied “whatever” and parted the nm and walked between them to Chops who was looking on with great interest when the guy yells out ” piss off back to you country”
CODE RED CODE RED!!!!! I swung around and politely asked ” what the fuck did you just say” again the badge was thrust in my face and by this time his mate had his out as well…….what to do what to do???
Whatever!!! and went and lined up for my pre bed snack.
The boys had settled down and they came over to talk and all was good….so …………………………who is proud of me???? Yeah yeah Chris I know I should have belted them , but I’m not as young or sober as I used to be!!
Day 1 in the Big Apple. What would tomorrow hold?

I woke up early and had some breakfast and just chilled for a while when slowly the boys started to come out of the wood work and the story in the hostel was that I had beaten up 2 uniformed NY police officers. I told the actual chain of events to them but they thought their version was better and they stuck with it. So I was known as Slugger for 3 days. I think even people who checked in days after the event even heard of the legend.

Anyway some of the guys were heading home so Cancer, Ponto ( a guy that slightly resembled Ricky Ponting)and myself headed out for a day in the city . First stop Empire State Building,. We bought this pass that let us into a heap of city attractions and it also included this ride in a simulated helicopter ride over NYC like the rides at Movie World where you watch a screen and the cinema moves around. Bad move ………Cancer was green when he went in and greener still when he exited …straight for the loo…
Up to the 80th floor of the Emp ST Bld . What a great view and nice day as well. The twin towers were nearly twice the height. I couldn’t imagine something that high. The city looked really great from up there. there were heaps of people as well, so the code Orange alert that the FBI put out didn’t really effect the tourists.
Then we went down to ground Zero……….wow ……tear jerker …there is a wall that surrounds the site and it has become a make shift memorial…..really moving. There were people that would be reading something on the wall and just burst in to tears….
Its good to see that after something like that , that the city and country can move on.
Onto Little Italy China town and Little Korea, not much happening there but what a diverse town NYC is.
That night we went out for some authentic New York Italian food. It was OK , I’m sure I could do better. Then we headed out for a night at the comedy club. That was hilarious, I was seated in the front row and was very nervous about that but I wasn’t picked on much. Just the standard “Put another shrimp on the barbie” line and that was about it.
The next few days were really bad weather around 8 degrees and wet . So we did the Guggenheim Museum check it out on the net, the regular stuff wasn’t on display and they had a “special” artist on display and it was some really weird stuff. we tried to be all “Educated” in the arts but failed miserably with this stuff. I had no idea what it was. In the end we decided to just sit around and watch the people trying to be all “arty” and pretend they knew what was going on and that they thought that some of the work was good. That was quite an interesting way to enjoy the museum.I was, after all with Cancer who was at the museum with an Australian Builders and Australian Plumbers UNION T Shirt on so everyone knew he was appreciating the art!!
A couple of more wet days spent in Museums and pubs and then a trip on the Hudson to check out the Statue of Liberty. I thought that it was the size of the Empire State building but was actually quite small and a little disappointing as you are no longer allowed to enter into the statue for fears of terrorist activity.
I left NYC and headed to Scott’s parents to start on on our trip into Canada via my friend Craig’s place ( a guy I worked with in Japan years ago and a well known lover of a drink or ten). We delayed our departure from Scott’s for a day as the weather was really bad and no great for cast for the next few days so sitting around at Scott’s drinking and looking at the bikes.
We finally awoke to a clear day on the Tuesday and packed our stuff as quick as we could then headed for Craig’s place in Ithaca in Up state New York. We got there quicker than we expected as Scott has no idea of distances. Craig was still at work so we decided to sit at a beer on the mall and have A (= 1) drink. The 655ml Fosters is by far the best value for money so I got that as we were only having 1 drink. That one went down quite well so ……….”where is Craig” on the phone …still at work ……………………soooooooo……well ……..just one more while we are waiting. As it is the home of Cornell University and there were quite an umber of lovely young ladies wandering the streets ( i agreed to stay for Scott’s sake) ..anyway Craig rocks up at 3:30 and I had already had 5 of the Fosters and my little NANCY mate had had 2 and wanted to have a sleep.He is a lite drinker and when he has fulls….lookout…sleepy byes.
Craig wanted a few drinks so we had a couple more…just to be sociable, after all Craig did knock off work early.After a few more we were getting a bit puckish and Scott wanted a steak so we piled into Craig’s car and went to the supermarket and picked up some steaks and headed to Craig’s to cook them. Craig lives in the middle of no where in a little shack that he built, and has no electricity or running water and NO BBQ. So we make up this make shift ( adventure motorcycling) style of BBQ from a 44 gallon drum and some grating for concreting. Off we go, got a nice fire happening and Craig comes out with the steaks on a tray, sit them on the side off the BBQ and walks away.Now this BBQ is a fine piece of adventure motorcyclist ingenuity, but nothing that BBQS Galore will send around spies to steal the design and market it to the world.
We get a great fire happening and Craig brings the steaks out on a plate and sits them on the side of the mighty BBQ and goes to get another beer for us, as he turns his big old, ” I ain’t gunna freeze in this bastard” of a jacket, it catches on the grill part and sends the steaks toppling Terra firma’s direction, but……………….no need to worry as Crash happens to have the reflexes of Ricky Ponting and shoots the left hand out to save what I could. Young gun slinging, knife wielding Scott also sees them on their way and he too, not as quickly as old “Ponto” does, but none the less he shot his right hand out to rescue dinner …..where is this going I hear you say…………..SCOTT STILL HAD THE FRIKKIN BIG KNIFE HE CARRIES WITH HIM EVERY WHERE IN HIS HAND…………so I loose the top 3mm of my middle finger and then he wasn’t content with just one finger, so he headed along the top of the pointer finger as well. natural Anesthesia ……..CURSED LIKE THERE WAS NO TOMORROW. It seemed to work for a bit till I washed it and saw how bad it was with the 3mm missing from the top of the finger . Anyway all good fun. Aussie males are all Les Norton’s, So the question was “what would Les do in a situation like this” probably chewed the fingers off , but they were my clutch fingers so I decided to use the Adventure motorcyclists remedy for every thing……DUCT APE!!!! 1,000,001 uses for good old duct ape, so I tried duct ape as a bandage and it didn’t hold as there was too much blood…….what to do what to do…..I had to resort to poofy band aids.
The next morning we awoke and Craig went to work so we decided to do the bolt up into Canada as we were only a hundred miles or so away from Niagara falls. Off we went and arrived at Canadian customs, does anyone remember what my little riding mate had in his pack???? Yes thats right a GUN. You only have to tackle a look at us and you would want to search our stuff. So we are sent to an area and this buff looking chick asks us if we have anything to declare and Scott says he has the gun and they get very interested in our bags , so we had to unpack all the stuff and I felt like a drug courier, all these people driving by and eyeballing in, then out comes the gun and, young Scott hadn’t written down the serial number anywhere and they couldn’t find the number anywhere and one guy with a crew cut comes out and says that it looks to him as though the serial number had been ground off…when he said that I felt my face go bright red and then the blood pressure hit my fingers and hurt like hell and they didn’t look all that crash hot either.
We were then escorted into the “rubber glove room” and sat down at a table….by this time the mid morning hangover was just starting to catch up and my head started to ache and the fingers and I could have died for a drink( not alcoholic , just water would have done). So we get grumpy ass and his apprentice grumpy ass asking us a million and one questions ” Where are you going” ” What are you doing it for?” ” How are you financing it? What did you do for work? Scott doesn’t like too many questions and I was worried that at any moment he was going to lose it and we would be stuck forever in friendly Canada.
Got out of there unscathed and off to see Niagara Falls, the only time this trip that the weather was good to us and it was a perfect afternoon and if you travel this way then you MUST see the falls, seeing them from the Canadian side ids much better as the bulk of the falls are on the Canadian side. That afternoon alone was worth this trip alone. It was absolutely mind blowing. The most amazing thing I have seen in my travels thus far.
DO IT!!!!! Just go , you will be glad you did.
Headed toward Toronto and got slammed by two huge storms on the way, one little Scott doesn’t like riding in the rain so we had to stop for one but I wouldn’t stop for the second.We arrived at Scott’s girlfriends cousins place in downtown Toronto at around seven and we were both dying for a beer as we not only battled the storms but also 45 km of traffic jams getting into the city. Toronto in notoriously bad for traffic .
We had a BBQ and a quite a few beer and hit the hay, the next day was of course bad weather so we just did the laundry , sent emails etc.
We went out that night to the city and hit some bars and had a good night and didn’t see one person with a SARS mask on.
The next day we hit the road, in the rain of course and headed across the top of Lake Superior then back down into the US and then onto Minnesota to Scott’s brothers place where we were to spend a couple of relaxing days with his brother and wife nieces .They turned out to be great kids and we got some things done in a big city. I had to go to REI ( a big camping store) to replace my tent as the first day I met Scott I was showing him how easy my tent was to erect and used too much “Les” muscle and broke a pole then a few night prior to getting into Minnesota we were camping in the forest and in the middle of the night another tent pole spontaneously snapped and I was ready to do the old ” Whoa bear , I’m human” bit but realized what had happened. Scott had to get a new tire and a few other bits, so another relaxing few days with a bed and shower.We hit the road again after 2 nights and had to cover 1400miles to Glacier National Park which is in the North Western corner of Montana on the Canadian border. So we smoked through South and North Dakota ( red neck ville +) and we were doing around 400+ miles a day and now we are in White fish Montana on the edge of the National Park and we bought all our fly fishing gear and are just waiting for……..you guessed it , for it to stop raining to head up into the park. There is still snow up there and still people skiing so could be a little nippy.
Anyway boys and girls thats it for now
I will try and keep the next one more condensed.
And yes there are allot of good things on the trip but they aren’t interesting to write about so thats why I haven’t just packed up and headed home.
till next time I hope you are all well and look forward to hearing from you all.
Crash
oh….by the way Ive managed to stay upright since part 2!!! yehhhh

Hey all.

things havent changed much here. We are still having terrible weather, We had two days in a town called Whitefish at the entrance to Glacier National Park . We did some routine maintainance on the bikes and some shopping for food etc. we managed to spend the whole day running errands then e met one of Scotts friends who lives in Whitefish and her husband who just so happens to be the barman at the hottest bar in town. So you know where this is going….I dont know what previous Australian visitors to the area had done but everyone thinks that all Australians are mad drinkers and they were placing drinks in front of me all night and to go with the “Moose Drool” black beer that they were drowning me in they were also supplying me with copious amounts of Rumplemints in 90ml shots. So needless to say we were a little bit pissy by the end of the night. As I gain this super human strength when I have too much to drink, when everyone else decided to head home I thought that it would be a great idea to stay out. I went looking for a bar and found one that, if I had any brains at all would have kept walking by. Nothing happened , just filled with the weirdest people that I have ever met.
Tip# 1 . When walking into a small town pub and there is one person in the corner and the only two spare seats are next to him….walk out the way that you came. The reason that there are spare seats next to someone in a crowded pub is more than likely that the person is a nutter!! And yes, he was certifyiably crazy!
As soon as I sat my jacket down and ordered a beer the crazie started to talk to me
” Do you want to shit for a hundred years man?” he said through evil eyes
( FUCK!!) I thought to myself
“No man, what about the next 300 years? Just goin around shittin’ all over the place for the next 300 years!”
FUCK FUCK FUCK I thought to myself again.
So I thought finish this and get the hell out of there. I listened to him waffling on about ” swirling , round and round like a toilet bowl….swirling” for a bit then the barman plonks a beer in front of me and said ” this one is on me” Obviously it was the ” thats why the seat was empty” compensation bottle!
Then I had the crazie on my right start yabbin about how he and his girlfriend had been living up in the hills all winter and for 5 months they didnt leave the house as they were snowed in. I had been warned about cabin sickness( where people are stuck in their houses all winter and when they come out they arent all there) . Needless to say there are alot of these types around here as we are at 3500ft on the Rocky Mountains.
Finally got out of there and hit the hay.
The next morning we were up early to get up into the park and we went to get some fly fishing gear as we were planning to spend the day fishing in the park. Little rusty from the night before but off we went. 15 miles from where we started the first puncture if the trip and who dod you think it happened to……yes …of cours e it was me. Ended up pulling the wheel off and changing the tube not too much of a drama as I am now a totally experienced in the art of changing tires and bike maintainence. While I was changing the tire the weather came up and within 30 minutes we were in the middle of a hell of a storm so we headed back to the hostel and spent the rest of the day watching videos.
The next day we awoke to slightly cloudy weather but I wasnt going to stay in the hostel for a moment longer. We packed and we were on our way to Glacier. There is a road which is the highest road in North America at 6700ft that we wanted to ride and although we were clouded in at the top it was a fantastic ride . The park was awsome and my limited vocab doesnt allow me to truelly explain how beautiful this place was. Check out this site
http://lynnsroadtrip.homestead.com/Polebridge.html
It has some great pictures of the park and Polbridge that we ended up at in the afternoon.
We were looking for somewhere to stay for the night so we decided that seeing as though the campgrounds didnt have showers we couldnt see the point in paying $15 to camp when all we were paying for was the flushing toilet. So we headed toward the Canadian border along a dirt road and about 25 miles into it and about 16 form the border I went past a road that said Polbridge General Store and conscidering the distance we were from anywher on tihis dirt road I felt that we just had to go and have a look at the store. We went in and you can see from some of the photos that there just so happened to be a bar (or Saloon as they call them in these parts). As it was getting close to cocktail oclock we thought that we should help the struggling local economy so in we went. A hippie looking guy behind the counter and one couple that had just walked in in front of us and another guy that had 5 minutes earlier had pulled up on an old 50cc honda stepthru. we sat at the 6 stool counter and ordered a drink which turned out to be a organic black beer at 6.7%. The guy on the 50cc was drinking the same but he was having 60ml shots of tequila then the pint of 6.7% beer, and he had three in the time we had 2 each. We had a chat to the people in the corner and they turned out to be on their honeymoon and just touring about and when they left they shouted us a beer each. So after 3 beers we decided that we should head and find somewhere to camp for the night and the hippie recommended that we camp at lake Boowden which was a 6 mile ride along along a dirt road. Simple enough i thought , hit the road and about 3 miles along the road ran into some really deap muddy bogs and they took a hell of a job to get through as the bikes have big tanks on the sides and all the camping equipment and hiking/fishing gear on the back and the bikes have road tires on them so i was flaying around all over the place and if seen from the back it would have seemed that I was an octopus on the bike as I had arms and legs going everywhere. We managed to arrive and it was really beautiful eagles soaring over pristine lake sorrounded by rugged snow capped mountains. Who wouldnt want to camp there?….Scott ….He has this thing about bugs! Mozzies and Black flies annoy the poor boy… Admittedly they were quite big and some of thenm were that big that they could stand flat footed to turkey, but that didnt really bother the crocodile dundee member of the team but …oh well I like to keep the peace so off we went back to the main camp ground.
When we got there it was equally as nice but much more commercialised and we set up tents and spoke to a few people around the ground. Most of the people had beers that they had bought into the ground including Scott who had bought 2 600ml cans and neglected to ask me whether I wanted any so i was without. I remembered that I still had about 3/4 of a hip flask size Jack daniels on the bike so I grabbed it and started on it and because I had no coke i drank it straight. We still had a bit of a buzz going from the few beers we had earlier and it didn’t take long for the Jack to kick in and every one was having a good old laugh around the fire and I noticed that we were running out of wood so I snuck off into the woods to see if I could find some( against park regulations, but….it was cold) so here I am doing the drunk man stomp around the woods with and armful of twigs when all of a sudden I did a wylie coyote, where you walk out somewhere and the ground underneath you isnt there anymore and you are suspended in mid air for a nano second but that nano second is just long enough for you to realise ….Shiiiiiitt!! and then I went crashing down. It wasn’t that far but it hurt like hell and i have a big scratch up the inside of my arm where I was grasping for anything to break my fall.
So I am slowly getting myself quite a number of scars so far from this trip. My finger is coming along well and I now just keep my distance from Scott when he has his leatherman ( an American icon. Its what every swiss army knife wants to be when it grows up, it has all the tools on it and Scott carries two).
Today we are still in White fish waiting for a part for Scotts bike that didn’t arrive yesterday.
Not a lot happened today. The part arrived and we are on our way. Not straight up to Canada as our itinerary would normally have it , but across to Idaho as it is one of the few states in the lower 48bthat Scott hasn’t been to, although he would like me to believe that he wants to go there for the red necks.
We arrive in Sandy Banks , apparently home to the original American Red neck( of which young Scott could be a contributing member, that’s why he wanted to go, I suspect!! J), get into town , set up the tents and I asked him to come for a drink to meet the red necks but he decides he wants to spend the night in the tent. Off I go 10 beers later im home and to bed.
The next day we head up into Canada and catch the worlds longest FREE ferry ride and then over to a place called Castlegar to the start of the Kettle Valley Railway ( a defunct railway line that they have pulled the lines and sleepers up from and made it part of the trans Canadian trail system.
We spent the night and the next day awoke to the perfect day( something of a change) and we were off on the start of our Adventure Motorcycle tour finally as we were going to do the entire rail line. After 100 miles, young Scott got the shits and decided that he no longer wanted to travel the line . He hit the deck a couple of times and couldnt pick the bike up as it was to heavy for him and I had to help him!!
When he said that he didnt want to do the line, I spat the dummy as I had been doing everything that he wanted to do for the last few weeks without complaint but when it came to what I wanted to do it he wasn’t as accommodating as I thought he could have been.Especially when we had gone 300 miles out of our way to do this railway line.
So what did old cool hand Anthony do?? Didn’t say a fucking thing (as usual) and at that I was gone. So I got on my bike and did the bolt for Vancouver.
It was 453km to VC but I was determined to do it, even after 120 miles in the dirt and a roaring case off the shits.
I arrived in VC and checked into a hostel in the centre of the city and checked my email and a couple that I had met in Atlanta had sent me an email to tell me that they had arrived in VC as well and that they were staying in a hostel accross from where I was staying . I hooked up with them at 10:00 the next morning and they had been on the juice fairly heavily the night before and were looking a bit on the green side as their friend from the UK had come out for a week to visit them and arrived the day prior.
” So whats the plan of attack?” i asked and the answer was a walk around the city.
I could handle that . We walked about 1 km and the guy, Ben, who had arrived the previous day suggested that we should go to the pub as they had free pool during the day!! You all know what happened then…..yep…..left the pub at around 3:30 and back to the hostel as the PUB, under their hostel had a 2 for one night. Woke up the next day a tad on the grren side myself but managed to make it through the day. I moved hostels to a place down on the harbour and was a nice place to just hang and relax.Sort of did that but it involved copious amounts of alcahol and a great BBQ down on the harbour with snow capped mountains as a backdrop Vancouver city just in front and scantly clad women playing beach volley ball directly in front of us. It was a NICE place Vancouver.
The next day we headed for Whistler. Its Vancouvers closest ski resort and even in summer there was still a fair bit of skiing and snow boarding going on. We stayed at a hostel that was built a while ago as someones private cabin in the woods and as a result of this cabin the village was formed. It was right on a lake , 15m from the back door , and had the ski mountains in the forground and was just perfect to relax aftera few days of riding.
The others had to catch a bus upo and they still hadnt arrived at 5:30 pm so I assumed that they must have had some problems with the bus and decided to go and get some beers. I ended up gettin 30 cans and a bottle of Wild Turkey. I was pretty happy with my thoughtfulness and it seems as though it may have rubbed off onto the others as when they finally arrived they too had 18 beers and a bottle of Turkey. Needless to say it was a big night of pool playing and rumbling on the pool table!!
After 3 nights of that type of activities on the final night we all got a little “tipsy” and we had to get in the Sauna and then go and jump in the lake, dont forget that it is in a SKI village at 1 in the morning. Cold Cold Cold!!
The next day the others all headed off in their directions and I made my way North for Alaska.
After 1100 km on the bike I was ready for a good rest at the Hostel that I had ridden hard to get to as it was the only one in the area. When I got there I was totally knackered and when I was shown to my room I could tell that this was not your normal hostel, and I had my suspicions confirmed when I went for a look at the common room. I wasnt a “hostel” as we know it, it was a “hostel” for the indiginious members of the comunity that were having problems coping with the pressures of been part of modern day society. A place for the homeless. I was wondering why it was only $5. Anyway I have been on the bike constantly and knackered so sorry if this one isnt too funny as I havent hurt myself or fallen off the bike recently.
There is still more to tell about the hostel.
I also havent spell checked , so go ahead and think that IM a dumb Bastard!! Im too tired to worry
till next time
no longer “crash”
Ant

Well Im all rested and ready to roll !!
I left you at the homeless hostel eh?
I had a big day so I hit the local Chinese ( big
mistake) and had a feed then back to the “hostel” to
hit the hay and then a big day riding the next
day
I had my shower and hit the cot, at that time
there was just one other person in there and he was
fast asleep. As it was a hostel for the homeless and
those in rehab, I was a bit dubious to leave all my
stuff there for anyone to grab, so I put it all on the
wall side of the bed and I slept in the remainder. I
had a small bedside table and I put the non valuable
on it. I fell asleep pretty quickly and I was woken up
by a native who had a real bad stutter and only
wanted to ask what sort of bike I was riding. He went
on to tell me that he and his girl were expecting
their 2nd child and that he wanted to get some work
etc. I finally got the story out of him and went back
to sleep, only to be awoken by a noise coming from my
bedside table. the guy who was asleep had awoken and
decided to help himself to my m and m’s. a. he scared
the shit out of me as he was all hunched over like the
bell ringer and b. Those m and m’s were my breaky, so
I got the shits and went off at him, as you do. I
tossed and turned and couldnt get back to sleep so i
decided, as it was already daylight ( only dark for a
couple of hours) to hit the road. I got all my shit
together and went out to the bike, carefully putting a
rock in the door to the outside as it was a self
locking door and the lady who ran the place informed
me of the best way to keep it open. I had all but my
helmet and jacket and as I went inside, i found that
the door to the dorm section was ALSO self locking and
I hadnt been informed. You could imagine how upset I
was! I tried everything but with no luck. Here it was
4am and I was locked out and my wallet was in my
jacket which was inside the dorm with all the
homeless!!! I was really dark and the only thing I
could do was to bang on the window of my room, as it
was on the ground floor. I banged and banged and
banged, cursing between bangs and no one pulled the
curtain back. I was clinching teeth and fists by this
time and gave it another go. This time the little
creature that was squirrelling around in my M and m’s
pulled back the curtain. I asked him to open the door
and then he closed the curtain and I went to the door
and waited…….and waited …….and waited. He
didnt show so I went back and BASHED the window and he
opened after the 10th or so bang he pulled the curtain
back, this time with a dirty scowl on his face and I
stuck my hands together in praying format and asked
him in my nicest voice to open the door.
His reply…..”I cant” and shut the curtain. I
was shocked!!!!!! And pissed off but shocked.I banged
and banged and bashed and kicked , but no one came to
my rescue. So i sat there in the hallway just waiting
for some movement from some one! Finally at about 6:45
a guy was heading to the shower let me in and when I
got to the room the guy was gone and so were my m and
m’s, luckily everything else was there.
After i settled down I got on the bike and hit
the road. I was still a little tiffed but I soon
forgot how pissed I was after I saw my first bear.
There was a mother and 3 cubs right on the side of the
road. i stopped, kept the engine running and shot off
a whole roll of film. They were so cute( i know Im
getting soft in my old age) but I was still a little
nervy as they are quite big but had seen the ” whoa
bear “video so I felt comfortable enough. I shot off a
whole roll of film on them as they had 3 cubs.
Sooooooo cute, standing on their back legs looking
over at me…..
I continued on and just a few miles down the road
there was another one even closer so I shot another
roll. I was still on the bike with the engine going as
it was only about 30 metres away. Kept on going and i
came across a couple of bears right on the side of the
road so I went past and then doubled back and moved to
within 15 meters. I could hear my heart thumping but
luckily I had seen the video. I took some shots and
the bears were obvlious to me being there . When I
felt I had enough shots I blew my horn to try to get
them look or even come a little closer, but still they
didnt see me as I was down wind from them. It was
pretty cooll being so close.

I froze.. I didnt know what to do, I mean this is
certainly deliverance country and it wouldnt be
difficult to dispose of a body.2 things that went
through my mind in a nano second were
a. Where the fuck did he get the baseball
bat?
b. When am I ever going to grow a
brain!!!???
Then all of a sudden he stops and just starts
laughing like a mad man. I was equally perplexed with
this situation !! He walked over , I was still a bit
unsure as to whether or not just to make a run for my
bike and get the hell out of there, but he stuck out
his hand and introduced himself. The crusty old
bastard had called ahead and gotten him to scare the
bejesus out of me. It worked!! I ended up having some
lunch with him and he turned out to be an interesting
guy. Most of the guys that run the gas stands around
the boondocks are ex military and just dont really
like being around people and thats why there are in
these dinky little towns.