Jokes

[AndrewMember]

Classic :laugh: :angry:

[Jeffrey SmithMember]

The human body has 7 trillion nerves…….my wife manages to get on every fucking one of them.
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I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. They’re brilliant…It makes the wife look like she’s actually moving during sex.
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My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate. I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock.
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I went to the doctor’s office the other day and found out that my new doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous.
I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don’t worry, I am a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll check it out.
I said, “My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny”
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I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal.
Dyslexic bitch, it turns out that she loves Alan, my best friend……
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A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, “Don’t enter that church, you damn fool !!!”
His wife asks him, “What are you watching?”
Husband replies, “Our bloody wedding video”
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Life is like a penis….Soft and hanging freely….It’s women that make it hard
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I said to the wife, “Get me a newspaper”
“Don’t be silly,” she said “You can borrow my i-Pad”
That spider never knew what fucking hit it.
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I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she says she doesn’t like it.
She says that it makes her sleepy and her ass sore

[AlexMember]

Jeffro wrote:

I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she says she doesn’t like it.
She says that it makes her sleepy and her ass sore

Cracker!

[Adam RodgersMember]

I was sent this funny video

http://www.youtube.com/v/sZqPQPhsuX4?version=3

Adam.

[aprilMember]

brilliant!!

[simon burkeMember]

9 Months Later…
Keith decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.
So they loaded up Keith’s minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
‘I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,’ she explained. ‘I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.’
‘Don’t worry,’ Keith said, ‘We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.’
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Keith got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, ‘Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?’ ‘Yes, I do.’ said Bob. ‘Did you, ER, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?’
‘Well, um, yes!,’ Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, ‘I have to admit that I did.’
‘And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?’
Bob’s face turned beet red and he said, ‘Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy, I’m afraid I did Why do you ask?’

‘She just died and left me everything.’

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

Two Aussies in a boat

Two Aussies, Ferret & Knackers, were adrift in a life boat.

While rummaging through the boat’s provisions Ferret stumbled across an old lamp.

He rubbed it vigorously, sure enough out popped a genie .

This genie, however was a little different. He stated he could only
deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought, Ferret blurted out,

“Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!”

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into that hard-earned thirst quencher.

The genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

Knackers looked disgustedly at Ferret whose wish it was had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment Knackers said, “Nice going Dickhead!
Now we’re going to have to piss in the boat.”

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

When I was in India recently, I saw a sign that said,

“English speaking taxi driver”

I thought to myself,

“What a brilliant idea” !!
“Why don’t we have them in Australia?”

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

Mark said to Paddy, “close your curtains the next time you’re shagging your wife!”.
“Why?”, asks Paddy?
Mark replied, “Because yesterday while you were shagging her, the whole street was out watching and laughing at you.”
“Well”, says Paddy, “The f%&ken” jokes on them because I wasn’t even home yesterday.”

[simon burkeMember]

I was listening to the radio this morning when the host invited callers to reveal the nick-names they had for their wives.
The best call was from a brave chap who called his wife “Harvey Norman”

The Host asked him why that name?

He replied, “Absolutely no interest for 36 months.

[GregMember]

Don’t find many Heroes like this one..
On January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge .
So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, “What are you doing?”
She says, “I’m going to commit suicide.”

While he didn’t want to appear “sensitive,” he didn’t want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked … “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?”

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that … and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That’s a real talent you’re wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?”

“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.”

It’s still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed !!

[Dwayne OMember]

:laugh:
Saw this at work today and it reminded me of Boony & Snowy for some reason 😆

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_4jwxokExP8

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

Late Night Phone Call To The Vet

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and “in heat’, agreed to look after her neighbor`s male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together,

in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,

“Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.

I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.”

“Do you think that will work?” she asked.

“Just worked on me,” he replied.

[SteveMember]

A bloke gets a call from the police.
“Your house has been robed,they also drank all your beer,and raped your wife”
after a short pause, he replied.
“can not believe they shagged the wife after only 4 beers.

[RachMember]

toes wrote:

A bloke gets a call from the police.
“Your house has been robed,they also drank all your beer,and raped your wife”
after a short pause, he replied.
“can not believe they shagged the wife after only 4 beers.

Toes slap yourself right now! Thats a shocker!!! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[Author]

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