Jokes

[DudeMember]

I messed this joke up the other day so after gathering my thoughts I remembered how it went so heres the only joke I can half remember.

Mickey mouse went to see a divorce lawyer and said to him “Lawyer dude I want a divorce from Minnie”

Lawyer dude said ” Mickey you can’t get a divorce from Minnie your a famous couple……tell me why do you want a divorce”?

Mickey ” it’s a bit embarrising so I’ill whisper it to you”

Mickey ” whisper whisper whisper “

Divorce lawyer ” What you saying she’s a bit silly”?

Mickey ” No she’s f*ckn Goofy”

boom boom

[DudeMember]

Oh dear just remembered another Mickey joke.

Mickey was playing with his mates up by the railway line and suddenly a train appeared and ran over Mickeys tail cutting it clear off…..

Mickey ran to see Minnie and she said “oh dear tell you what I will go get your tail and I will sew it back on 4 u” so Minnie runs up to the train line and as she bends over to pick up Mickeys tail another train appears and runs over Minnies neck decaptating her.

Moral of this story is ‘Don’t lose your head over a little bit of Mickey’

[SteveMember]

My wife suggested that I should get one of those penis enlargers.
So I did Her names Katie and shes 19.

[SteveMember]

A guy calls 000 and says i think my wife may be dead.
Operator says “How do you know”
Replies”sex is the same,but the washing,ironing and dishes are pilling up.

[SteveMember]

Went shopping today with the wife.Out of the blue
She said :You are the laziest f#%4 I have ever met.
I was that taken back that I nearly fell out of the trolley

[CrisMember]

WONDERFUL and SO TRUE !! Every Husband and wife will love this poem!

I have a little GPS
I’ve had it all my life
It’s better than the normal ones
My GPS is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
“It’s thirty miles an hour”, it says
“You’re doing thirty five”

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it’s never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I’m sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counseling
Each journey’s pretty fraught
So why don’t I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I’m properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And – keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off.

[Luke MalcolmMember]

thats gold

[CrisMember]

Ever wonder what the feathers in a Indians head band stood for?

A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian Chief, asked the
significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses.
“Feathers show number of sexual partners,” the chief replied.
Indicating a nearby young brave, he continued, “Him? One woman, one
feather. Him?”, pointing to a second, older man, “Three women, three feathers.”
The reporter looked at the Chief’s headdress. “But you have so many feathers!”
The Chief proudly slapped his chest. “Me Chief.
Sleep with all women.
Big, small, fat, tall.”
Horrified, the female reporter said, “You ought to be hung!”
The Chief said, “Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake.”
The offended reporter said, “You don’t have to be hostile!”
The Chief replied, “Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!”
The reporter cried, “Oh, dear!”
“No deer”, said the Chief. “Ass too high, run too fast.

[LoganMember]

A man and his wife walked into a dentist’s office. The man said to the dentist, “Doc, I’m in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic, I don’t have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it’s 9:30 already… I don’t have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!’

The dentist thought to himself, “My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.” So the dentist asks him, “Which tooth is it sir?”

The man turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth Love, and show him . . .”

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[Richard WMember]

😆 😆

Nice on Logan, should have changed it from golf bike ride.

[GregMember]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and
a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the
end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Alene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what
brand of condom she prefers.
Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.’
The pharmacist fainted. :laugh: :laugh:

[Nick JacksonMember]

‘Hi I’m Jane ‘ she said
‘Hi I’m Christopher ‘ he replied ‘but everyone calls me Dick for short ‘
‘How do you get Dick from Christopher ?’she asked
‘You ask nicely’ he said

[SteveMember]

little Billy asks dad for a telly in his room.
Reluctantly dad gets him one.
The next morning Billy asks dad.”whats love juice”
Dad explains the whole story about sex,
Billy sits there mouth wide open amazed.
then dad asks :what were you watching billy.
Wimbledon Says billy

[simon burkeMember]

A Man Called Andrew

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He
got into the taxi, and said, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Andrew”

Cabbie: “Who?”

Passenger: “Andrew Sullivan. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like your coming along when I needed a cab, things happen like that to Andrew Sullivan, every single time.”

Cabbie: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Passenger: “Not Andrew Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

Cabbie: “Sounds like he was something really special.”

Passenger: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Andrew Sullivan, he could do everything right.”

Cabbie: “Wow. Some guy then.”

Passenger: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Andrew, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Andrew Sullivan.”

Cabbie: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

Passenger: “Well, I never actually met Andrew. He died. I’m married to his f**king widow!”

[simon burkeMember]

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror — make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get… in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone… Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and Jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Rinse off. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex… Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire wiener size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again. Throw wet towel on bed. If there is anyone who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something SO very wrong with you.

[Author]

Posts