Jokes

[David MasonMember]

In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what do you
do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Answer: Throw in your washing….
We were all having a good laugh about this when this big bastard tapped
me on the shoulder and said.
“I don’t find that very funny.

My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits”.
I said. “Sorry mate. Did he drown”?

“No”. he said. “He choked on a sock”.

[David MasonMember]

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he’s only got one arm bless him.
I shouted. “Where you off to Charlie”? He said.

“I’m off to change a light bulb”.
Well, I just cracked up, couldn’t stop laughing.

I said. “That’s gonna be a bit awkward init”?
“Not really”, He said.

“I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard”.

[SteveMember]

A mother is driving her little girl to a friends house for a play date.
On the way the girl asks:How old are you mum.
Mum replies:its rude to ask the age of a lady.Its not polite.
Ok says girl:What colour was your hair 2 years ago.
Again mum says these are personal questions you don’t ask lady,
and frankly its none of your business.
Undaunted the little girl asks:Why did you and dad get a divorce?
Right says mum that’s enough questions from you young lady.
Mum walks away leaving the two young girls to play.
First girl says:mum wont tell me anything about herself.
friend says :look on her driver licence,its like a grown ups report card.
that night the little girl says to mum.
I know that your 42!
I know that your hair was brown 2 years ago.
and and I know why you and dad got divorced.
Quite shocked mum asks:why did we get divorced then.
Little girl replies
Because on your drivers licence you got a F for sex.

[AlexMember]

That’s a good one.

[simon burkeMember]

http://youtu.be/hkmeoYKYctw

Gotta luv the kiwis :laugh:
Bol :woohoo:

[Lindsay PetersenMember]

[attachment=4213]1391629_246115605559323_278364933_n.jpg[/attachment]

[Neil JohnsonMember]

plindz wrote:

[attachment=4213]1391629_246115605559323_278364933_n.jpg[/attachment]

Just another case of discrimination against Australian men…

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:
Mongrel, Coot and Bluey ..

As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly..

As the ambulance takes the body away,
Bluey says, ‘Well, bugger me, someone’s gotta go and tell Coot’s wife..
Mongrel says, ‘OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.’
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.
Bluey says, ‘Where’d you get the grog, Mongrel?’
‘Coot’s wife gave it to me,’ Mongrel replies.

‘That’s unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?’

‘Well, not exactly’, Mongrel says.

‘When she answered the door, I said to her, “you must be Coot’s widow.”

She said, ‘You must be mistaken.. I’m not a widow.’

Then I said, ‘I’ll betcha a case of beer you are..’
Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman
was born just by feeling her boobs.

“Really” she said, “Go on then…try.”

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said.

“Come on, what day was I born”?

I said, “Yesterday.”

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

Setting your password:

Sorry that password has expired- you must register a new one.
Did anyone discover that password and hack my computer?
No, but your password has expired- you must get a new one.
Why then do I need a new one as that one seems to be working pretty good?
Well, you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 30 days.
Can I use the old one and just re-register it?
No, you must get a new one.
I don’t want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember.
Sorry, you must get a new one.
OK, roses
Sorry you must use more letters.
OK, pretty roses
No good, you must use at least one numerical character.
OK, 1 pretty rose
Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces.
OK, 1prettyrose
Sorry, you must use additional characters.
OK, 1fuckingprettyrose
Sorry, you must use at least one capital letter.
OK, 1FUCKINGprettyrose
Sorry, you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.
OK, 1Fuckingprettyrose
Sorry, you cannot use that password as you must use additional letters.
OK, 1FUCKINGprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon’tgivemeaccessrightfuckingnow
Sorry, you cannot use that password as it is already being used

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

Teacher asks the kids in class: “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Little Johnny: “I wanna be a billionaire, have a beautiful bitch on my arm, give her a Ferrari worth a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel the world, a 200-foot yacht, an unlimited American Express card, and I want to make love to her three times a day.”

The teacher, shocked with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and continues the lesson . . .”

And you, Nancy?”

“I wanna be Little Johnny’s bitch.”

[SteveMember]

:The most functional English word

49BC0CFC91CF47EA8C95E0C06DF3DF78@MichaelPC

4E5EF1028D9A436EB6FB0561820719AE@MichaelPC
THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

Well, it’s shit …. that’s right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit,

forget shit and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can’t tell the difference between shit and brasso.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits and crazy shits.

There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit,

(or duck when the shit hits the fan).

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit

and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit,

the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or

find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts,

it’s the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don’t need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or

not do so if you don’t give a shit!

Well, Shit, it’s time for me to go.

Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit

and hope you had a nice day, without any shit.

But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head……….

Well, Shit Happens!!!

:The most functional English word

49BC0CFC91CF47EA8C95E0C06DF3DF78@MichaelPC

4E5EF1028D9A436EB6FB0561820719AE@MichaelPC
THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

Well, it’s shit …. that’s right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit,

forget shit and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can’t tell the difference between shit and brasso.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits and crazy shits.

There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit,

(or duck when the shit hits the fan).

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit

and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit,

the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or

find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts,

it’s the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don’t need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or

not do so if you don’t give a shit!

Well, Shit, it’s time for me to go.

Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit

and hope you had a nice day, without any shit.

But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head……….

Well, Shit Happens!!!

[Jeffrey SmithMember]

ANGER MANAGEMENT

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know……

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying ‘Hello’

I politely said, ‘ This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?’ Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear, ‘Get the right f *** ing number!’, and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn’s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ‘wrong’ number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled ‘You’re an *******!’ and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word ‘*******’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, you’re an ******* !’ It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic ‘*******’ calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, ‘Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?’ He yelled ‘NO!’ and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, ‘That’s because you’re an *******!’ and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a ‘For Sale’ sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first ******* (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I’d better call the BMW ******* too.
I said, ‘Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?’
He said, ‘Yes, it is.’
I asked, ‘Can you tell me where I can see it?’
He said, ‘Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax . It’s a yellow rambler, and the car’s parked right out in front.’
I asked, ‘What’s your name?’
He said, ‘My name is Don Hansen.’
I asked, ‘When’s a good time to catch you, Don?’
He said, ‘I’m home every evening after five.
I said, ‘Listen, Don, can I tell you something?’
He said, ‘Yes?’
I said, ‘Don, you’re an *******!’
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two ******** to call. Then I came up with an idea…….
I called ******* #1.
He said, ‘Hello.’
I said, ‘You’re an ******* !’ (But I didn’t hang up.)
He asked, ‘Are you still there?’
I said, ‘Yeah.’
He screamed, ‘Stop calling me!’
I said, ‘Make me.’
He asked, ‘Who are you?’
I said, ‘My name is Don Hansen.’
He said, ‘Yeah? Where do you live?’
I said, ‘*******, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front.’
‘He said, ‘I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.’
I said, ‘Yeah, like I’m really scared, *******!’ and hung up.

Then I called ******* #2.
He said, ‘Hello?’
I said, ‘Hello, *******.’
He yelled, ‘If I ever find out who you are…’
I said, ‘You’ll what?’
He exclaimed, ‘I’ll kick your ***!’
I answered, ‘Well, *******, here’s your chance… I’m coming over right now!’

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax . I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax . I got there just in time to watch two ******** beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead News helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

‘NOW I feel much better!!!’
Anger management works!!!

[AlexMember]

Oh my.

[alanMember]

fu*king great

[Author]

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