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February 5, 2014 at 3:09 am #106834
Telephone rings, woman answers.
Pervert, breathing heavily, says,
“I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?”
Woman replies, “Yes, I have,
He’s watching the football … Who shall I say is calling?”February 5, 2014 at 9:17 am #253928Whats better than winning gold at the special Olympics.
Not being retarded to start with.
sorryFebruary 5, 2014 at 10:25 am #253944An old Irish farmer’s dog goes missing and he’s inconsolable.
His wife says “Why don’t you put an advert in the paper?”
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
“What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks.
“Here boy” he replies.
February 5, 2014 at 10:27 am #253964An American tourist asks an Irishman:
“Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”
To which the Irishman replies: “They have to go backwards.
If they fell forwards, they’d still be in the boat.”
February 5, 2014 at 10:27 am #253965Paddy rings his new girlfriend’s door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.
She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says
‘This is for the flowers!’‘Don’t be silly;’ says Paddy, ‘you must have a vase somewhere!
February 7, 2014 at 12:01 pm #253966heah any of you fuckers ever been camping and had sex.
Its intents
February 7, 2014 at 12:11 pm #254019So I came home today to find out there was a power outage
My TV,DVD,PC,laptop were all out .
so I grabed my IPhone,but the battery was flat
To top it all off it was pissing down outside,so I couldn’t even play golf.
Went into the kitchen to make a coffee and realised it aint guna happen.
So talked to the wife for a bit.
apparently shes not so bad.February 15, 2014 at 9:03 am #254020Sal Wallerstein was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He
began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his
cell phone rang… It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been
in a accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he’d be
there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was
shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.
He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal
best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous
best game by more than 10. He was jubilant….Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He
saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife’s condition.The doctor glared at him and shouted, “You went ahead and finished your
round of golf didn’t you! I hope you’re proud of yourself!”“While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country
club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It’s just as well you went
ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!
For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will
be her care giver! She will need IV’s; you will have to change her colostomy
bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don’t
forget the hygiene care.”The man broke down and sobbed.
The doctor chuckled and said, “I’m just fooling with you. She’s dead.
What’d you shoot?February 15, 2014 at 9:10 am #254187:laugh: :laugh: Thanks for that Snowy :laugh:
PS Golf courses MAKE THE BEST MX TRACKS !! :laugh:
Ollie
February 23, 2014 at 10:42 pm #254188At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent a tax inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
While the taxman was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said
“I notice you buy a lot of bandages. I imagine there’s a lot of wastage there. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”
“Good question,” noted the executive. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll.”
“Oh,” replied the taxman, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
However, he was now well mounted on his favourite hobby horse and ready to be critical.“What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?”
“Ah, yes,” replied the executive, who actually hadn’t a clue, but rising to the challenge he said, “We save that too, and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster.”
“My, my, an answer for everything!” responded the auditor, who also fancied himself a bit of a wit. “What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?”
“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the executive. “What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick.”
February 24, 2014 at 5:51 am #254502Begin
Subject: Fw: Yorkshire FarmerA farmer in Yorkshire sees a man drinking from his stream,
so he shouts ,
“Ey up cocker, tha dunt wanna be drinkin watta frum theer,
its full o hoss piss an cow shite an it could kill thee”The man says: “Excuse me Sir, I am a muslim from Pakistan ,
Could you be speaking much clearer and slower please”The farmer replies:
” If….You…. Use…. Two ….Hands…… You….Wont…. Spill …..Any”February 24, 2014 at 5:53 am #254503A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, “I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie.
The man behind the counter says, “The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you’re willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today.
The golfer obviously accepted the man’s offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, “I think my driver will do the job.”
The robot caddie turned to the man and said, “No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole.”Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.
The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance.As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, “I think this green is gonna break left to right.”The robot then again spoke up and said, “No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left.”Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice But his luck didn’t end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.
Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, “How was your game ?”The golfer stated, “It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week.”
A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon
entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, “I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please.”The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, “Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints.”
“COMPLAINTS?Who in the heck could’ve complained about those robots? They were incredible!”
The man sighed and said, “Well, it wasn’t their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fairway.”
The golfer said, “So then why didn’t you just paint them black?”
The man nodded sadly and replied, “We did. Then four of ’em didn’t show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other thinks he’s the President.”
February 27, 2014 at 6:25 am #106835Two wives go out on a girls night. Both got really drunk and started walking home, they both had to pee, so stopped at the cemetery, but had nothing to wipe with. One ended up using her panties and the other used a wreath from one of the graves.
The next morning, one of the husbands called the other and said, “No more girls nights out!, my wife came home with no panties!!”
The other husband replies, “You think that’s bad? Mine came home with a card in her crack that read, “From all of us at the Fire Station…… we will never forget you!!
February 27, 2014 at 11:10 pm #254589Little Jonny in class one day when the teacher asks the students what they would like to be when they grow up, and why.
The teacher asks Jenny, Jenny says she would like to be a lawyer, so she can free the innocent, jail the criminals, and make lots a lots of money, and own a black Mercedes, like the one parked out on the street adjacent the classroom.
The teacher says thats very commendable Jenny.She then asks Robert what he would like to do.
Robert says he would like to be a doctor….heal the sick, prevent disease, and make lots and lots of money, and own a pink Porsche like the one parked near the black Mercedes out on the street.
Then little Jonny throws up his hand.
The teacher asks what he would like to be.
Jonny tells her he would like to be a farmer….and grow acres and acres of pubic hair.
The teacher asks him why pubic hair.Jonny tells her that his sister has a patch only about the size of your hand, and she owns BOTH those cars out there !
March 3, 2014 at 10:15 pm #254600I told my girlfriend I was getting a KTM, she suggested we start seeing other men.
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