Jokes

[ChrisMember]

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment to get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end.

The next day the kids came back and one by one told their stories. Karl said, ‘My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chooks. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.’

‘What’s the moral of the story?’ asked the teacher. ‘Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!’ ‘Very good,’ said the teacher.

Next little Emily raised her hand and said, ‘Our family are farmers too. But we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is: ‘Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched’.’

‘That was a fine story Emily. Johny, do you have a story to share?’

‘Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was 3 bottles of rum, a machine gun and a machete. She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.’

‘Good heavens,’ said the horrified teacher, ‘what kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?’

‘Stay the f*ck away from Aunty Sharon when she’s been on the piss.

[Paul SouthwellMember]

A mate flicked a Viagra into my eye
it didn’t do anything for my sex life.
But it made me look hard.

[Jenny MeyersMember]

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely.

She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, ‘I’m too young to die,’
she cried. Then she yelled, ‘If I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?’

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear of
the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went,
one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped…

Then, he spoke…

‘Iron this — and then get me a beer.’

[Jenny MeyersMember]

A man married a naive blonde,
they went on their honeymoon and sunbathed nude at the nudist beach.
The guy had his penis sun burnt and went to the doctor.
The doc told him to soak it in milk to help relieve the pain. Once home the guy did as the doc instructed sitting at the kitchen table.
In walked his wife and said
“Oh i have always wondered how you guys reloaded those things”:cheer: :cheer:

[GregMember]

OMG!!!

[Anonymous]

Trailboss wrote:

Quote:

OMG!!!

+1

:ohmy: :dry:

[ChrisMember]

The Harley-Davidson Facts

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. ‘Since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles
have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.’

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ‘ I want to hang out with God.’

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, ‘Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? ‘
Arthur said, ‘Yeah, that’s me…’

God commented: ‘Well, what’s the big deal in inventing something that’s pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can’t run without a road?’

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, ‘Excuse me, but aren’t you the inventor of woman?’

God said, ‘Ah, yes .’

‘Well,’ said Arthur, ‘professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

‘Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,’ replied God, ‘hold on.’

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

‘Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,’ God said to Arthur, ‘but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours’.

[Anonymous]

You’re pretty good with the jokes Badfun, keep em coming mate

[Mick DMember]

Surprise,Surprise!!!!!!

[ChrisMember]

One Sunday an old biker walks into church and sits down in the front row. As the preacher is beginning his sermon, the devil suddenly appears at the altar. The members of the congregation, including the preacher himself, flee the church in terror, all except for this one old biker in the front row.

The devil notices this one biker still in the church and walks down from the altar to confront him. He roars at the man, “Do you know who I am?”

“Why of course I know who you are,” the man calmly replies. “You’re Satan.”

“And you’re not afraid of me like the others?” the devil asks somewhat miffed.

To which the biker replies, “No. Why should I be? I’ve been married to your sister for the last 25 years.”

[ChrisMember]

A biker is riding along a country lane, when a sparrow flies up in front of him. The biker can’t do anything and hits the sparrow. As he looks in his rear view mirror, he sees the sparrow lying in the road. Being the kind of guy he is, he stops, picks up the sparrow and takes it home and puts it in a cage, still in a coma. When the sparrow wakes up the following morning, he looks through the bars of the cage and says, “Shit, I must have killed the biker”.

[ChrisMember]

A young man starts work at the local adult toy store. The owner says he has to go and tells the young man, if you can’t find a price on something make one up.

A white chick comes in and asks “how much for the white dildo?” he says “10 bucks” and she takes it.

A black chick comes in and asks ” how much for the black dildo?” he says “20 bucks” and she takes it.

A biker chick comes in and asks “how much for the plaid dildo?” he says “30 bucks” and she takes it.

The boss comes back and asks what happened while he was out and the young man replies, “I sold a white dildo to a white chick for $10, a black dildo to a black chick for $20 and a biker chick bought my thermos for $30.

[ChrisMember]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was waiting for the service manager to take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?” The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its ‘heart’, take valves out, fix’em, put’em back in; and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a measly salary and you get the really big bucks when you and I are doing basically the same kind of work?”
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, “Try doing it with the engine running.”

[ChrisMember]

Guy on a Honda pulls up to a toll booth. Toll collector says “Two dollars”. Honda rider says “Sold!”

[ChrisMember]

Dave works hard at the plant & spends most of his evenings riding his scoot with the boys. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them & says “Hey Dave, how ya doin?” His wife is puzzled & asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh No,” says Dave. “He works at the plant.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable & says, “you must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser. “No honey, she works at the plant, too.”

A stripper comes over to their table & throws her arms around Dave. “Hi Davey,” she says. “Want your usual table dance?” Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse & storms out of the club.

Dave follows & spots her getting into a cab. Before she slams the door, he jumps in beside her & she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head & says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave

[Author]

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