Jokes

This topic contains 487 replies, has 0 voices, and was last updated by  Adrian Snowden 9 years, 1 month ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 1,636 through 1,650 (of 1,694 total)
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  • #255767

    Steve
    Member

    thanks nickj.

    #255768

    I am not a big a big beleiver on this (I before E, unless after C)
    The English language is FARKED UP :woohoo: B)
    Goodnight
    Ch3eerssssssss
    Murph :woohoo: :whistle: :pinch: 👿 :woohoo: :woohoo:

    #255769

    I am a JOKE. :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo:
    Love you all
    All, except, you Ad riders. :sick: :pinch: ;) :silly:
    OHHHHHH What the hell
    Love Ya’ll
    Cheers
    Murphinski B)

    #255770

    Steve
    Member

    Was driving past the cemetery with me mate.
    Told him “Did you know that the people that live opposite the cemetery can’t be buried there”
    Bemused he asked why not.”some gov regs,local council b,shit?”

    Told him “No mate ,cause there still alive”

    #106840

    The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

    After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done,
    there were 3 finalists: two men and a woman.

    For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large
    metal door and handed him a gun.

    ‘We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the
    circumstances.

    Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair …. Kill her!!’

    The man said, ‘You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my
    wife.’

    The agent said, ‘Then you’re not the right man For this job. Take
    your wife and go home.’

    The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
    went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.

    The man came out with tears in his eyes, ‘I tried, But I can’t kill my
    wife.’ The agent said, ‘You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife
    and go home.’

    Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions,
    to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots
    were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging
    on the walls.. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened
    slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

    ‘This gun is loaded with blanks’ she said.

    ‘I had to kill him with the chair’

    #255959

    Steve
    Member

    How I learnt to mind my own business

    I was walking past the looney hospital today.
    I could hear chanting 13,13,13,13,
    As the wall is quite high,i couldn’t see what was going on.
    Walked a bit further and found a small hole in the wall.
    Took a peak in and some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.
    All I could hear was 14.14.14.14

    #255971

    Steve
    Member

    A recent study has shown that women who carry a few extra kilos on them,
    live longer than men,
    that mention the fact.

    #255983

    drew
    Member

    New clothing product range just in time for winter.

    With the popularity of pre faded denim genes, shorts and jakets

    I have an exciting new garment range on the way

    Pre stained undies!

    Orders are now being taken.

    15% off for obt members!

    = If you order a large you will receive a medium! :p

    #106841

    Peter Horn
    Member

    I was shopping in Bunnings the other day when I bumped into Rolf Harris.
    I was a bit star struck and I said:
    “Hi Rolf, I remember when you did Two Little Boys in 1970”
    Rolf said:
    “Fuck off, that was Gary Glitter”

    #257552

    Nick Jackson
    Member

    Aussie Creationism

    In the beginning God created day and
    night.

    He created day for footy matches,

    going to the beach…..

    And BBQ’s…….

    He created night for going prawning,

    and BBQ’s,
    On the Second Day, God created
    water….
    for surfing,
    and BBQ’s on the beach,

    On the Third Day God created the
    Earth to bring forth plants provide malt and yeast for
    and wood for BBQs,

    On the Fourth Day God created
    animals

    and crustaceans for chops, sausages
    steak and prawns for BBQ’s
    On the Fifth day God created a Bloke
    to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and
    prawns at the BBQ’s and God saw that it was good.

    On the Sixth Day God saw that the
    Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer,
    eat and stand around the barbie with.
    So God created Mates, and God saw
    that they were good Blokes.

    On the Seventh Day God looked around
    at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the
    raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops
    and sizzling prawns and
    God Saw that it was good .. …

    Well….. Almost good…..

    He saw that the Blokes were too
    tired to clean up and needed a rest.
    So God created Sheilas to clean the
    house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then
    God saw that it was not just good….
    It was Bloody Awesome!

    #106842

    simon burke
    Member

    A store that sells new husbands has opened in Toronto, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

    You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

    So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

    Floor 1 – These men have jobs.

    She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

    Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love children.

    ‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more,’ so she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

    Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love children, and are extremely good looking.

    ‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

    She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love children, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

    ‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’

    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love children, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

    Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

    PLEASE NOTE:

    To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

    The first floor has wives that love sex.

    The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

    The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

    #259242

    drew
    Member

    photo.jpg

    #259336

    Cris
    Member

    This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 70’s. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger, though God knows after how many takes.

    The irony is, BBC received not one complaint.
    The speed of delivery must have been too much.

    Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms
    This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

    Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.
    At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.
    The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

    Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and digbicks.. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.
    At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. “Mist all chucking frighty!!!” said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

    The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella’s door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. “Who’s fust jarted?” asked the prandsome hince. “Blame that fugly ucker over there!!” said Mary Hinge.
    When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
    Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

    Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!

    #106843

    simon burke
    Member

    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
    Well worth the read boze
    Thanks mate ;)
    Bol :woohoo:

    #106844

    simon burke
    Member

    Good News, Bad News !

    The lawyer says: “I have good news and bad news.”

    The CEO replies: “I have had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first.”

    The lawyer says: “Your wife invested $20,000 in five pictures that are worth a minimum of $2 million.”

    The CEO replies enthusiastically: “Well done, that is very good news indeed! You’ve made my day; now what is the bad news?”

    The lawyer answers: “They are pictures of you in bed with your secretary.” :woohoo:

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