Jokes

[DeanMember]

I decided to have takeaway for lunch today, so I pulled into McDonalds and was greeted by a young girl wearing a burqua.
It was dirty and tattered. Kind of put me off.
So I decided to go across the road to Hungry Jacks.
There I was greeted by a young woman wearing a burqua. Hers was clean and tidy and well kept.

That’s when I realised that :—-

The burqua’s are better at Hungry Jacks

Ollie

[Mick DMember]

Q. Name all the animals in women’s under wear.

A. An ass, a pussy, a whole heap of hares and a dead fish no one can find. :whistle:

[Jeffrey SmithMember]

micknmeld wrote:

Q. Name all the animals in women’s under wear.

A. An ass, a pussy, a whole heap of hares and a dead fish no one can find. :whistle:

You forgot a beaver and a bearded clam :blush:

[drewMember]

Jeffro wrote:

micknmeld wrote:

Q. Name all the animals in women’s under wear.

A. An ass, a pussy, a whole heap of hares and a dead fish no one can find. :whistle:

You forgot a beaver and a bearded clam :blush:

Plus the occasional snake and a load of tadpoles. :whistle:

[glennMember]

And in some instances a crab or two

[DeanMember]

:sick:

[Mick DMember]

And I suppose we should mention the camels foot?

[DeanMember]

micknmeld wrote:

And I suppose we should mention the camels foot?

:laugh: :laugh: you been looking at my Avatar Mick ? :laugh:

Ollie

[CrisMember]

“THE LAWNMOWER”

If you need a good laugh read the following. He tells it like it is without cursing.

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in town. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 20 klms of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I’m mowing the back yard with my cheapo KMart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way

It seems as though I hadn’t remembered to unplug it after all…

Now I’m standing there, I’ve got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you’re all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I’m about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can’t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences…..but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I’m thinking I’m going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

‘Damn!,’ I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think ‘Oh God please die… Pleeeeaze die’. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner’s right foot.

So here I am in the middle of January, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me.

God did not take me that day…..he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created..

I honestly don’t know how I got loose from the wire.. I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don’t understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow…

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

[CrisMember]

The Haircut

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his Father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he’d make a deal with his son: ‘You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible, and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.’

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, ‘Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.

The boy said, ‘You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair,

John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ~ and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.

You’re going to love the Dad’s reply:

“Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere?”

[drewMember]

I heard of an experimental non surgical face lift with infinite applications.

a lady had a knob placed on the back of her neck, which she could adjust at her will to firm up her facial skin.

After several months the Drs asked how she was fairing, to which she was mixed in feeling toward the results. At first she was very pleased, but was getting very concerned that she had now developed bags under her eyes that no amount of night creams would help.  

The Drs replied that they weren’t bags under her eyes, they were her breasts. 

________

A very attractive woman that was self absorbed, and had many other undesirable personality traits asked a cosmetic surgeon what she could do to be more beautiful.

He said she should start eating her cosmetic creams and make up,

that way it might start to make her pretty on  the inside.

[CrisMember]

Late Night Phone Call To The Vet

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and ‘in heat’, agreed to look after her neighbour’s male dog while the neighbours were on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, “Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.”

“Do you think that will work?” she asked.

“Just worked on me,” he said……

[CrisMember]

Irish Bic Lighter

Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar.
Finding he had No matches, he asked Paddy for a light.

‘Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter,’ Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long..

‘My God, man!’ exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. ‘Where’d yew git dat monster?’

‘Well,’ replied Paddy, ‘I got it from my Genie.’

‘You haff a fecking Genie?’ Mick asked..

‘Ya, sure. It’s right here in my tackle box,’ says Paddy.

‘Could I see him?’

Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the Genie, Mick says, ‘Hey dere! I’m a good pal of your master.
Will you grant me one wish?’
‘Yes, I will,’ says the Genie.

So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, ‘What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!’

Paddy answers, ‘Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing.
Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?’

[CrisMember]

Getting Married
Jack, age 92, and Gill, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in.

Jack addresses the man behind the counter:
“Are you the owner?”

The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”

Jack: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”

Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”

Jack: “How about medicine for circulation?”

Pharmacist: “All kinds”

Jack: “Medicine for rheumatism?”

Pharmacist: “Definitely.”

Jack: “How about suppositories?”

Pharmacist: “Yes”

Jack: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer’s?”

Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”

Jack: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”

Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”

Jack: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”

Pharmacist: “We do…”

Jack: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”

Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”

Jack: “Adult incontinence pants?”

Pharmacist: “Yes.”

Jack: “Then we’d like to use this store for our wedding presents list…”

[SteveMember]

Would like to share an experience I had recently regarding drink driving over christmas.
We all know some of us may have had a run in with authorises over the years ,from driving
home from the odd party.
Well at a crissy party recently,I had a few to many.So I decided to do something I don’t usually do.
I took a bus home.And arrived safe and sound.

Which is odd, because I have never driven a bus before.

[Author]

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