Jokes

This topic contains 487 replies, has 0 voices, and was last updated by  Adrian Snowden 9 years, 2 months ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 1,666 through 1,680 (of 1,694 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #260736

    drew
    Member

    #260251

    drew
    Member

    Romantic winter evening date anyone?

    #260791

    Cris
    Member

    Two goldfish in a tank

    One said you drive and I’ll shoot

    #260252

    drew
    Member

    If Ollie’s vessel gets a hole in it and they use him to plug the hole, does that make him a navy seal?!?

    :blink: 😆 :silly: :p

    #106845

    andrew
    Member

    I just bought my daughter an ipad, my son an ipod, myself an iphone… And the wife iRon.

    She wasn’t impressed even after I explained it can be integrated with iwash, icook and iclean network.

    This sadly triggered the iNag service, which in turn wiped out the iShag function

    #260995

    Cris
    Member

    I was standing in a bar in Chilliwack yesterday and this little Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.
    I said to him, “Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?”
    He says “No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee”?
    “No”, I say, “It’s because you’re drinking my beer, you little prick!”

    #261058

    Steve
    Member

    :whistle:

    #261059

    Cris
    Member

    Life in the Australian Army…

    Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )

    Dear Mum & Dad,

    I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm – tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack – nothin’!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

    At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there’s no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we’ve been on a ‘route march’ – geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

    This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin’ – dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum’s bum and it don’t move and it’s not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target – it’s a piece of piss!! You don’t even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

    Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy – it’s not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
    Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got, and I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers – he’s 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I’m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin’ wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

    I can’t complain about the Army – tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

    Your loving daughter,

    Sheila

    #261331

    Steve
    Member

    blond girl takes her gold fish to the vets.
    I think my fish has Epilepsy.
    vet says :looks fine to me.
    Blond says” I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet”

    sorry

    #261332

    Beautifully articlulated
    UJnlike me
    It is a good story!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    What GOD WANTS


    GOD GETS…..
    As you have already guessed,,…………….
    I am totally Religiuos……..Ha……..Ha
    There is no END/DEATH
    Yeeeeeeha
    Good evening
    Love is where ya find it???
    Cheers
    Murph

    #261333

    drew
    Member

    Two Aussie cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar.

    One asked, “What are you up to, Mate?”

    Ahh, I’m takin’ a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie.”

    “Oh yeah … and what route are you takin’?”

    “Ah, probably the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin’ the drought.”

    ……..

    What do you call a blond with tattoos?

    A scenic route.

    #261335

    drew
    Member

    A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”

    ……

    Wife: “How would you describe me?”
    Husband: “ABCDEFGHIJK.”
    Wife: “What does that mean?”
    Husband: “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.”
    Wife: “Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?”
    Husband: “I’m just kidding!”

    #261336

    drew
    Member
    #261425

    Cris
    Member

    50 Grayish Shades …. !!

    Back and forth . . . . back and forth . . . .
    In and out . . . . in and out . . . .
    A little to the right . . . . a little to the left . . . .
    She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
    Between her breasts . . . . and, trickling down the small of her back . . . .
    She was getting near to the end . . . . !!
    He was in ecstasy . . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . . . Forwards then backwards . . . .
    Forward then backward . . . .
    Again . . . . and, again . . . . !!
    Her heart was pounding now . . . .
    Her face was flushed . . . .
    She moaned . . . . softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .
    Finally . . . . totally exhausted . . . . she let out a piercing scream . . .
    She shouted . . . . :

    “OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can’t parallel park . . . .
    You do it . . . . !!”

    #261688

    Cris
    Member

    The Vicar’s False Teeth,

    A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.

    The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.

    The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.

    The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
    The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and
    they asked him what happened.

    The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn’t
    talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.

    But, the third Sunday, he put his wife’s’ teeth in by mistake and he couldn’t shut up………..

Viewing 15 posts - 1,666 through 1,680 (of 1,694 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic.