You know you’re Australian if….
You know the meaning of ‘girt’
You believe that stubbies can either be worn or drunk
You think it is normal to have a Prime Minister called Kevin
You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse
You’ve made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden
When you hear that an American ‘roots for his team’ you wonder how often and with whom
You understand that the phrase ‘a group of women wearing black thongs’ refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds
You pronounce Melbourne as ‘Mel-bin’
You pronounce Penrith as ‘Pen-riff’
You believe the ‘L’ in the word ‘ Australia ‘ is optional
You can translate: ‘Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas’
You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep
You call your best friend ‘a total bastard’ but someone you really, truly despise is just ‘a bit of a bastard’
You think ‘Woolloomooloo’ is a perfectly reasonable name for a place
You believe is makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that’s twice as big as its $2 coin
You understand that ‘Wagga Wagga’ can be abbreviated to ‘Wagga’ but ‘Woy Woy’ can’t be called ‘Woy’
You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread
You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis
You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says ‘cobber’
You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels’ song ‘Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again’
You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year
You still don’t get why the ‘Labor’ in ‘Australian Labor Party’ is not spelt with a ‘U
You wear ugh boots outside the house
You believe that the more you shorten someone’s name the more you like them
Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language
You understand that ‘excuse me’ can sound rude, while ‘scuse me’ is always polite
You know what it’s like to swallow a fly, on occasions via your nose
You understand that ‘you’ has a plural and that it’s ‘youse’
You know it’s not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle
You biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules of beach cricket
You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call ‘Anzac cookies’
You still think of Kylie as ‘that girl off Neighbours’
When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs – just in case you’re trying to sneak in fruit
You believe the phrase ‘smart casual’ refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered
You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction
When working at a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer
You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second
You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government’s new test for migrants.
