Jokes

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Viewing 15 posts - 166 through 180 (of 1,694 total)
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  • #113963

    Mick D
    Member

    You know you’re Australian if….

    You know the meaning of ‘girt’

    You believe that stubbies can either be worn or drunk

    You think it is normal to have a Prime Minister called Kevin

    You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse

    You’ve made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden

    When you hear that an American ‘roots for his team’ you wonder how often and with whom

    You understand that the phrase ‘a group of women wearing black thongs’ refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds

    You pronounce Melbourne as ‘Mel-bin’

    You pronounce Penrith as ‘Pen-riff’

    You believe the ‘L’ in the word ‘ Australia ‘ is optional

    You can translate: ‘Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas’

    You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep

    You call your best friend ‘a total bastard’ but someone you really, truly despise is just ‘a bit of a bastard’

    You think ‘Woolloomooloo’ is a perfectly reasonable name for a place

    You believe is makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that’s twice as big as its $2 coin

    You understand that ‘Wagga Wagga’ can be abbreviated to ‘Wagga’ but ‘Woy Woy’ can’t be called ‘Woy’

    You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread

    You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis

    You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says ‘cobber’

    You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels’ song ‘Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again’

    You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year

    You still don’t get why the ‘Labor’ in ‘Australian Labor Party’ is not spelt with a ‘U

    You wear ugh boots outside the house

    You believe that the more you shorten someone’s name the more you like them

    Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language

    You understand that ‘excuse me’ can sound rude, while ‘scuse me’ is always polite

    You know what it’s like to swallow a fly, on occasions via your nose

    You understand that ‘you’ has a plural and that it’s ‘youse’

    You know it’s not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle

    You biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules of beach cricket

    You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call ‘Anzac cookies’

    You still think of Kylie as ‘that girl off Neighbours’

    When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs – just in case you’re trying to sneak in fruit

    You believe the phrase ‘smart casual’ refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered

    You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction

    When working at a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer

    You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second

    You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government’s new test for migrants.

    #114130

    Chris
    Member

    Not a joke but funny anyway…The boys didn’t realise the stacker came up that far

    G1McMahonsTrucks002.jpg

    G1McMahonsTrucks003.jpg

    RecoveryMcMahonsTruck001.jpg

    #106427

    Craig Hatton
    Member

    A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh. Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that location.

    She responds ‘It’s really cool. If you put your ear up against it, you can smell the ocean.’

    #114192

    Chris
    Member

    How to Make a Woman Happy

    It’s not difficult to make a woman happy….
    A man only needs to be:

    1. a friend
    2. a companion
    3. a lover
    4. a brother
    5. a father
    6. a master
    7. a chef
    8. an electrician
    9. a carpenter
    10. a plumber
    11. a mechanic
    12. a decorator
    13. a stylist
    14. a sexologist
    15. a gynaecologist
    16. a psychologist
    17. a pest exterminator
    18. a psychiatrist
    19. a healer
    20. a good listener
    21. an organizer
    22. a good father
    23. very clean
    24. sympathetic
    25. athletic
    26. warm
    27. attentive
    28. gallant
    29. intelligent
    30. funny
    31. creative
    32. tender
    33. strong
    34. understanding
    35. tolerant
    36. prudent
    37. ambitious
    38. capable
    39. courageous
    40. determined!
    41. true
    42. dependable
    43. passionate
    44. compassionate

    WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

    45. give her compliments regularly
    46. love shopping
    47. be honest
    48. be very rich
    49. not stress her out
    50. not look at other girls

    AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

    51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
    52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
    53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

    IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

    54. Never to forget:
    * birthdays
    * anniversaries
    * arrangements she makes

    HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

    1. Show up naked
    2. Bring food

    #114261

    Jenny Meyers
    Member

    What did the Kiwi think when he came across a sheep tied to a power pole???

    PLAYSTATION!!!!!

    #113612

    Greg
    Member

    Happy as a pig in Shit !! pig.jpg

    #114928

    Anonymous

    jokes.jpg

    #113613

    Anonymous

    no_jokes_please.jpg

    #113614

    Anonymous

    hilarious_jokes1.jpg

    untitled.jpg

    #113615

    Anonymous

    A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

    When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

    Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

    When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

    Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

    Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

    Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

    The angel said very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?’

    And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

    #115301

    Mick D
    Member

    Hey Moto,what the pic of that violated photobuckets terms of use??

    #115305

    Anonymous

    Yeah, I noticed that earlier. It was the one with the lady in a bikini bent over on a boat. She had a bikini on a no nude bits were showing, I didn’t see the big deal….

    #115306

    Anonymous

    Shit!! I’ve just realised that they have loced my account and I can no longer upload pictures!! :ohmy: I noticed it theis morning but have just put 2 + 2 together!!!!! Bastards :angry:

    #115308

    Chris
    Member

    Ivan Milat was driving up into the Belanglo State Forest one night with two backpackers,One of the backpackers said Geez its scarey up here at night …Ivan turned to her and said how do you think i feel i have to drive back alone

    #115307

    Mick D
    Member

    Moto wrote:

    Quote:
    Shit!! I’ve just realised that they have loced my account and I can no longer upload pictures!! :ohmy: I noticed it theis morning but have just put 2 + 2 together!!!!! Bastards :angry:

    I remember the pic now. You will have to use xs.to as and uploader now.
    Just google xs.to

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