Jokes

This topic contains 487 replies, has 0 voices, and was last updated by  Adrian Snowden 9 years ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 181 through 195 (of 1,694 total)
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  • #115361

    Anonymous

    Do I have to joinup again? I can’t be bothered with that…

    #115368

    Mick D
    Member

    Na you don’t have to join up. Just upload ,copy and paste.

    #115425

    Anonymous

    Ok sweet, I’ll give it a go next time I have to post a pic up :)

    #115428

    Mick D
    Member

    Copy and paste the 4th URL from the top.You will see what I mean when you upload.

    #115430

    Anonymous

    I’m sure I’ll figure it out. I am as dumb as I look, but I’m confident I’ll get there ;)

    #106428

    Chris
    Member

    *To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity *

    1. **At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With **
    Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer at Passing Cars.
    ** See If They Slow Down. **

    2. **Page Yourself Over The Intercom. **Don’t
    DisguiseYour Voice. **!

    3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If
    They Want Fries with that.

    4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once
    Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,
    Switch to Espresso.

    5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ‘ For
    Marijuana’

    6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

    7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

    8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is ‘ToGo’.

    9. Sing Along At The Opera.

    10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t
    Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

    11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream ‘I Won! I Won!’

    12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling ‘Run
    For Your Lives! They’re Loose!’

    13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, ‘Due To The Economy, We Are Going To
    Have To Let One Of You Go.’ ** * *

    And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
    14. * PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO
    THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.*

    Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. **

    It’s Called … *THERAPY *

    #116909

    Mick D
    Member

    fire786.jpg

    #116948

    Anonymous

    That’s a rude one Mick, I like it! Even weirder is that it looks like my mates daughter!!

    #106429

    Chris
    Member

    A man walked into the vegetable section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

    The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

    Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, “Some old bastard wants to buy half a head of lettuce.” As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, “and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.”

    The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

    Later the manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?”

    ” New Zealand , sir,” the boy replied.

    “Well, why did you leave New Zealand ?” the manager asked.

    The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but whores and rugby players there.”

    “Really,” replied the manager? “My wife is from New Zealand !

    “Really??” replied the boy. “Who’d she play for?”

    #117091

    Anonymous

    A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for
    help. “Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?”
    His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, “I’ll demonstrate. Go ask
    your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then
    go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then
    come back and tell me what you’ve learned.”

    The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. “Mom, if someone gave you a
    million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?”

    “Don’t tell your father, but yes, I would.”

    He then goes to his sister’s room. “Sis, if someone gave you a million
    dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?”

    She replies, “O my god! Definitely!”

    The kid goes back to his father. “Dad, I think I’ve figured it out.
    Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living
    with two sluts.”

    #115426

    Anonymous

    “No, really, I’m OK to drive.”
    –I’m wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home
    with.

    “I’m not used to these darts.”
    –I’m not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this
    bombed.

    “You get this one, next round is on me.”
    –We won’t be here long enough to get another round.

    “I’ll get this one, next one is on you.”
    –Happy hour is about to end…now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round
    they’ll be $4.50 a pop.

    “Let’s get out of here.”
    –I just dumped a half a pitcher of beer into that Harley guy’s helmet.

    “Can I get a glass of white zinfandel?”
    –I’m gay.

    “Ever try a body shot?” (Male to female)
    –I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.

    “I’ve had like 10 beers already.”
    –I’ve only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.

    “Who’s got the next round?”
    –I haven’t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting
    attention.

    “Excuse Me.” (Male to female)
    –I am going to grope you now.

    “I’m out of here; I have to work in the morning.”
    –I owe that guy who just walked in the door 100 bucks and have been avoiding
    him since football season.

    “What do you have on tap?”
    –What’s cheap?

    “Can I just get a glass of water?”
    –It’s 6:00 am and I just stopped drinking 1/2 hour ago. Hell, I probably
    dropped half of my paycheck in here last night, so it’s the least you can do for
    me.

    #115370

    Anonymous

    One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had
    written the word ‘penis’ in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the
    class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and
    began her class.
    The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word
    ‘penis’ again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the
    culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day’s lesson.

    Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the
    same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters.

    Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on
    the board, but instead, found the words, “The more you rub it, the bigger it
    gets!”

    #115369

    Anonymous

    Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse’s ass?
    A. A Mechanic.

    :laugh:

    #106430

    Chris
    Member

    Q.What do you call a man with a rabbit up his arse ?

    A.Warren

    #117134

    Anonymous

    A horse walks into a bar and orders a drink. The barman ways ‘why the long face’?

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