Jokes

[Anonymous]

Do I have to joinup again? I can’t be bothered with that…

[Mick DMember]

Na you don’t have to join up. Just upload ,copy and paste.

[Anonymous]

Ok sweet, I’ll give it a go next time I have to post a pic up

[Mick DMember]

Copy and paste the 4th URL from the top.You will see what I mean when you upload.

[Anonymous]

I’m sure I’ll figure it out. I am as dumb as I look, but I’m confident I’ll get there

[ChrisMember]

*To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity *

1. **At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With **
Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer at Passing Cars.
** See If They Slow Down. **

2. **Page Yourself Over The Intercom. **Don’t
DisguiseYour Voice. **!

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If
They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once
Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,
Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ‘ For
Marijuana’

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is ‘ToGo’.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t
Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream ‘I Won! I Won!’

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling ‘Run
For Your Lives! They’re Loose!’

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, ‘Due To The Economy, We Are Going To
Have To Let One Of You Go.’ ** * *

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14. * PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO
THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.*

Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. **

It’s Called … *THERAPY *

[Mick DMember]

[Anonymous]

That’s a rude one Mick, I like it! Even weirder is that it looks like my mates daughter!!

[ChrisMember]

A man walked into the vegetable section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, “Some old bastard wants to buy half a head of lettuce.” As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, “and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.”

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?”

” New Zealand , sir,” the boy replied.

“Well, why did you leave New Zealand ?” the manager asked.

The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but whores and rugby players there.”

“Really,” replied the manager? “My wife is from New Zealand !

“Really??” replied the boy. “Who’d she play for?”

[Anonymous]

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for
help. “Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?”
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, “I’ll demonstrate. Go ask
your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then
go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then
come back and tell me what you’ve learned.”

The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. “Mom, if someone gave you a
million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?”

“Don’t tell your father, but yes, I would.”

He then goes to his sister’s room. “Sis, if someone gave you a million
dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?”

She replies, “O my god! Definitely!”

The kid goes back to his father. “Dad, I think I’ve figured it out.
Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living
with two sluts.”

[Anonymous]

“No, really, I’m OK to drive.”
–I’m wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home
with.

“I’m not used to these darts.”
–I’m not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this
bombed.

“You get this one, next round is on me.”
–We won’t be here long enough to get another round.

“I’ll get this one, next one is on you.”
–Happy hour is about to end…now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round
they’ll be $4.50 a pop.

“Let’s get out of here.”
–I just dumped a half a pitcher of beer into that Harley guy’s helmet.

“Can I get a glass of white zinfandel?”
–I’m gay.

“Ever try a body shot?” (Male to female)
–I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.

“I’ve had like 10 beers already.”
–I’ve only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.

“Who’s got the next round?”
–I haven’t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting
attention.

“Excuse Me.” (Male to female)
–I am going to grope you now.

“I’m out of here; I have to work in the morning.”
–I owe that guy who just walked in the door 100 bucks and have been avoiding
him since football season.

“What do you have on tap?”
–What’s cheap?

“Can I just get a glass of water?”
–It’s 6:00 am and I just stopped drinking 1/2 hour ago. Hell, I probably
dropped half of my paycheck in here last night, so it’s the least you can do for
me.

[Anonymous]

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had
written the word ‘penis’ in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the
class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and
began her class.
The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word
‘penis’ again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the
culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day’s lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the
same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on
the board, but instead, found the words, “The more you rub it, the bigger it
gets!”

[Anonymous]

Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse’s ass?
A. A Mechanic.

:laugh:

[ChrisMember]

Q.What do you call a man with a rabbit up his arse ?

A.Warren

[Anonymous]

A horse walks into a bar and orders a drink. The barman ways ‘why the long face’?

[Author]

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