Jokes

[ChrisMember]

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately

Spotted a large, beautiful parrot..

?

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

‘Why so little,’ she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said,

‘Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution

And sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.’

The woman thought about this, but decided

She had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up

In her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,

‘New house, new madam.’

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,

But then thought ‘that’s really not so bad.’

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school

The bird saw and said,

‘New house, new madam, new girls.’

The girls and the woman

Began to laugh about the situation

Considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman’s husband Keith

Came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

‘Hi, Keith!’

[Mick DMember]

Life in the Australian Army…

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm – tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack – nothin’!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there’s no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we’ve been on a ‘route march’ – geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin’ – dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum’s bum and it don’t move and it’s not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target – it’s a piece of piss!! You don’t even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy – it’s not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got, and I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers – he’s 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I’m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin’ wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can’t complain about the Army – tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

[ChrisMember]

Good one Mick…Reminds of a girl i went out with when i lived in Mt Isa

[Anonymous]

badfun wrote:

Quote:

Good one Mick…Reminds of a girl i went out with when i lived in Mt Isa

:ohmy:

[Mick DMember]

Very Funny but needs sound for full effect.

http://www.thevine.com.au/tv/entertainment/balloon-animal-threesome.aspx

[Mick DMember]

ONE for the DRZ crew.

[DeanMember]

TONGUE TWISTER

A guy boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat.
He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye. He says

to him, “Hey this is a coincidence; we both have black eyes, mind if I
ask how you got yours?

Other guy: “Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident.
See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the
hugest tits in the world was there. So, instead of saying ‘I’d like a
ticket to Pittsburgh’, I accidentally said ‘I’d like a Picket to
Tittsburgh.’ And then she socked me one.”

First guy: “Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table
and I wanted to say to my wife: ‘Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties’ But
I accidentally said: ”You ruined my life you fuckin’ bitch!'”

ollie

[ChrisMember]

Q. What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

[ChrisMember]

Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

[ChrisMember]

Q. What’s a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.

[ChrisMember]

One morning, the husband returns the boat
to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She
motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her
book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside
the woman and says, ‘Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?’

‘Reading a book,’ she replies, (thinking, ‘Isn’t that obvious?’)

‘You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,’ he informs her.

‘I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading.’

‘Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.’

‘If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with s*xual assault,’ says the woman.

‘But I haven’t even touched you,’ says the Game Warden.

‘That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at
any moment.’

‘Have a nice day ma’am,’ and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
It’s likely she can also think.

[ChrisMember]

An Aboriginal man in Alice Springs goes to the doctor with a problem – he just can’t stop jogging or stand still !
‘Hey white doctor” says the Blackman. “What ya think is makin’ me run all over the place. It’s to puckin’ hot for dat shit.”

The doctor says ” It’s got me beat but hey I might have a cure.”

The doctor puts two rows of white powder on his desk and tells the indigenous person to snort them.

The black man does as the doctor asks and immediately stops jogging up and down and stands dead still.

‘Puck me drunk it worked. Is that cocaine?’ he asks the doctor.

‘No’ the doctor replies. ‘It’s Omo – guaranteed to stop colours from running.’ !!!

[Mike WyethMember]

A husband was helping his wife to set a password for her computer, he types in MYPENIS
She died of laughter when the screen said ‘sorry not long enough….’

:laugh:

[Anonymous]

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom.

“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”

“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”

“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

[GregMember]

Oil Change

Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Drive into Ultra Tune when the odometer reaches 10,000 kilometres since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee , read free paper.
3) 15 minutes later, write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change: $40.00
Coffee: $2.00
Total: $42.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a cheque for $50.00.
2) Stop by the Bottle Shop and buy a slab of Bundy Rum, write a cheque for $40, drive home.
3) Open a Bundy and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under caravan.
6) In frustration, open another Bundy and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Curse and swear.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another Bundy while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly, hide old oil filter among rubbish in wheely bin to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a Bundy.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first litre of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink a Bundy.
22) Discover that first litre of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink a Bundy.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin swearing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Swear for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Bundy Rum.
29) Cleanup hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Bundy Rum.
31) Dump in five fresh litres of oil.
32) Bundy Rum.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Bundy Rum.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car is impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2400.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $40.00
Total: $4,085.00
But you know the job was done right!

[Author]

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