Home › Forums › Bull Pit for Members Only › Bull Pit for Members Only › Jokes
This topic contains 487 replies, has 0 voices, and was last updated by 
-
AuthorPosts
-
February 4, 2009 at 9:38 pm #120706
1. If you are over 38, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer.
It means you haven’t sucked back enough beer with the boys and have
spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the
Oprah diet…Faggot.
2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer–
it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate
touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just
think about how you call a dog… ‘Killer, come here! I said get your
arse over here, Killer!’ Now think about how you call a cat…’Bun-bun,
come to daddy, snookums!’ Jeeezus, you’re pitched, you’re so queer.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such
nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks
on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet,
or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking
lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man’s world is his toilet;
he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you’re as camp as a
row of tents. A straight man will never be heard ordering a ‘Decaf Soy Latte’.
If you’ve put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you’ve had a man there too.
6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colours or four different
types of dessert o ther than ice cream and custard, you might as well be
handing out free arse passes. A real man doesn’t have memory space in
his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or
you know what a ‘fressier’ is & nbsp; you’re gay. And if you can name
ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are poofter.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you’re dying to tune
a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to beep at a
slow-arsed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that
hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.
8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because
you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge
on being an arse puncher.
February 4, 2009 at 11:01 pm #120707
AnonymousTwo old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What’s that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: Doesn’t matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
The pharmacist fainted.
February 5, 2009 at 2:00 am #106437Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned-cupped herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband, “Bruce! Bruce!” Bruce came running in. “Bruce, Ive bloody suctioned myself to the floor,” she said. “Struth,” Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. “You’re stuck fast girl! Ill go across the road and get Cobber (his mate).” They came back and they both tried to pull her up. “No way, we can’t do it,” Cobber said, “so let’s try Plan B.” “Plan B,” exclaimed Bruce, “whats that?” “Ill go home and get my hammer and chisel and we’ll break the tiles under her,” replied Cobber. “Spot on,” Bruce said, “while you’re doing that, I’ll stay here and play with her nipples.” “Play with her nipples?,” Cobber said, “Not exactly a good time for that mate!” “No,” Bruce replied, “but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are less expensive”
February 5, 2009 at 12:20 pm #120742some oldies for my mate Trailbossco….
H.O.N.D.A. = Had One, Never Did Again
Horribly Overpriced, Needing Dad’s AssistanceFebruary 5, 2009 at 12:21 pm #120890One day Joe farted – not unusual for Joe, who was known to be gaseous on occasion. The difference was, it made a loud noise and sounded exactly like a man LOUDLY shouting, “HONDA!!!!” No one was around to hear it, so Joe put the experience up to an overactive imagination. A little surprised, Joe went on with his normal business.
But the next time he had to fart, the same thing happened – “HONDA!!!” This time, he was with his girlfriend. She (being a normal individual) was shocked. “What the hell was that?” she said.
Joe replied, “I don’t know! It happened once before. Didn’t it sound like ‘HONDA!’ to you?”
“Yes! That’s so weird!”
So the next few days, Joe suffered more and more as each time he farted it made a sound like a man shouting “HONDA!!!” at the top of his lungs.
Well, after a few days of this, Joe figured he had better go see a doctor. Of course, the doctor never heard of such a thing and performed test after test – with no solution to the problem. The same happened with the specialist, the next doctor, the herbologist, the man at the health food store, the acupuncturist, the chiropractor, the shaman, the priest, and the exorcist. Finally, Joe went to see a Chinese doctor who said, “Go see the dentist. You have a bad tooth.”
Not really being too interested in seeing the dentist at this point, Joe took his advice out of desperation only. Miraculously, his farts went back to normal after getting an abscess filled (he had a cavity) in one of his molars. Thrilled, Joe went back to the Chinese doctor and said, “Doctor! I’m so happy… my problem went away! But how did you know it was my tooth?”
The doctor replied, “Abscess makes the fart go honda!”
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:February 5, 2009 at 12:22 pm #120891A Honda rider, a KTM rider and a Yamaha rider were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze after a long day’s ride. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them, impounding their bikes in the process. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said: “It’s my first wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.”
The Yamaha rider was first in line (he had drunk a six pack), so he thought about this for a while and then said: “Please tie a pillow to my back.” This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Yamaha rider had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
The Honda rider was next up (he almost finished an entire stubby by himself!!), and after watching the scene, said: “All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back.” But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through. The Honda rider had to be carried away bleeding from the arse and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
The KTM rider was the last one up (he had drunk the rest), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said: “You ride a KTM. You support the greatest motorcycle producer in the world. I myself ride a 530 and have many EXC’s in my fleet. For this, you may have two wishes!”
“Thanks, your most Royal highness”, the Ktm rider replies. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes!” (KTM rider are tuff)
“Not only are you an honorable and powerful man, you are also very brave” the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face.
“If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?” the Sheik asks.
“Tie the Honda rider to my back.” The KTM rider replied.
February 5, 2009 at 7:33 pm #120716Moto wrote:
Quote:Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.Lady 1: What’s that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: Doesn’t matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
The pharmacist fainted.
Now that is funny :laugh:
February 5, 2009 at 10:36 pm #120892menace wrote:
Quote:A Honda rider, a KTM rider and a Yamaha rider were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze after a long day’s ride. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them, impounding their bikes in the process. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said: “It’s my first wife’s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.”
The Yamaha rider was first in line (he had drunk a six pack), so he thought about this for a while and then said: “Please tie a pillow to my back.” This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Yamaha rider had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
The Honda rider was next up (he almost finished an entire stubby by himself!!), and after watching the scene, said: “All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back.” But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through. The Honda rider had to be carried away bleeding from the arse and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
The KTM rider was the last one up (he had drunk the rest), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said: “You ride a KTM. You support the greatest motorcycle producer in the world. I myself ride a 530 and have many EXC’s in my fleet. For this, you may have two wishes!”
“Thanks, your most Royal highness”, the Ktm rider replies. “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes!” (KTM rider are tuff)
“Not only are you an honorable and powerful man, you are also very brave” the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face.
“If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?” the Sheik asks.
“Tie the Honda rider to my back.” The KTM rider replied.
This is so so disturbing on so many levels,
KTM riders get drunk
Want a honda rider tied to their back, presumbably in “the” position
Then they want the honda rider to be whipped!!!Mmmmm this is a new form of deviancy even further out there than that of Motos.
So glad I am a yamaha rider in all this.
Mr Blue
February 6, 2009 at 12:16 am #120916
AnonymousGood onya Menace, I don’t know where you find em’ but I was loving the Honda jokes!
February 6, 2009 at 12:18 am #120934
Anonymouserry lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn’t gotten out of her mourning stage.
Her daughter constantly urges her to get back into the dating world.
Finally, Sherry says she’ll go out, but doesn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies,’Mama! I have someone for you to
meet.’Well, it’s an immediate hit. They really like one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the mountains.
Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stands; nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks, ‘Why the black panties?’
She replies, ‘My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.’
Now he knows he’s not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She’s standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit except that he has a black condom over his erection.
She looks at him and asks, ‘What’s with the black condom?’
He replies, ‘I want to offer my deepest condolences
February 6, 2009 at 3:36 am #120935While I was driving down the Pacific Highway the other day, (going a little faster than I Should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a traffic-cop on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.
The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk, asked: “Runway too short?”
To which I replied, “I’m late for work.”
To which he asked, “What do you do?”
“I’m a rectum-stretcher,” I responded.
The traffic cop was surprised and confused. “A what? A rectum-stretcher??”
And just what does a rectum-stretcher do?” “Well,” I said, “I start by inserting one finger into a rectum, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it’s about 6 feet.”
Then the cop asked questioningly and cautiously, “And just what do you do with a six-foot asshole?”
To which I politely replied, “You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge…”
Fine: $250
Court case $1000
Look on the cops face – Priceless!
February 6, 2009 at 3:52 am #120972Mick, you wish your wit was that quick mate! Good joke though!
February 6, 2009 at 3:58 am #120975ECKS-Man wrote:
Quote:Mick, you wish your wit was that quick mate! Good joke though!It was emailed to me:blush: :blush: :blush:
February 8, 2009 at 9:27 am #106438time for an onslaught……
from the great ktm bible, in the jokes section……
Broke Down…..
A biker stops by the local Honda Shop to have his bike fixed, again. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.
While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?”
The biker said, “Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would w alk you home but I can’t carry this lot.”
The old lady suggested, “Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”
“Why thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says, “Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”
The little old lady looked him over cautiously and then said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?”
The biker said, “Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”
The lady replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”:S :S :S :S :laugh: :laugh:
menace
February 8, 2009 at 9:35 am #106439God & The Motorcycle
The inventor of the honda Motorcycle, Soichiro Honda, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Mr Honda, “Since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.”
Soichiro thought about it for a minute and then said, “I want to hang out with God.”
St. Peter took Soichiro to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Soichiro and commented, “Okay, so you were the one who invented motorcycles, eh?!”
Soichiro said, “Ya, that was me…”
God commented, “Well, what’s the big deal of inventing something that’s pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can’t run without a road?”
Soichiro was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, “Excuse me but aren’t you the inventor of woman???”
God said, “Ah, yes.”
“Well,” said Soichiro, “professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention”:
1. There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!”
“Hmmmm, you may have some good points there,” replied God, “hold on.”
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. “Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,” God said to Soichiro, “but …according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours!” :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo:“shit hondas”, i say, “here here” says the crowd….
menace
-
AuthorPosts
You must be logged in to reply to this topic.