Jokes

[ChrisMember]

Not a joke but these guys had way too much time on there hands

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ci8qZzQ4_5k

[ChrisMember]

Ha Ha, maybe we could try that at the christmas party, I’d say 3-5 rums each and see what happens.

Chris.

[ChrisMember]

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, ‘What is that you just served?’ The waiter replied, ‘Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!’

The cowboy said, ‘What the heck, bring me an order.’ The waiter replied, ‘I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.’

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, ‘These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.’

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied ‘Si, senor, sometimes the bull wins.’

[Mick DMember]

Three guys, a Russian, an Irishman and an Aussie were deciding were to go out for drinks.
The Russian suggested they went to Ivan’s Vodka bar as he gives you every third drink for free.
The Irishman pipes up and says “ No, we should go to Paddie’s Bar, every second pint of Guinness is free”
The Aussie then says “ We should go to Duncans’ Disco, you can drink for free all night and at closing time you get to have sex in the car park”
“Really?” Ask the other two guys,” have you been there before?” They ask.
“Nah” Says the Aussie” But my #*&$ing wife goes there all the time

[GregMember]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[GregMember]

A blonde lady was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.

Officer: May i see your licence?

Lady: what does it look like?

Officer: its a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it.

The lady looks through her bag and pulls out her compact mirror and hands it to the officer.

The officer opens it up and says ‘if you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn’t have pulled you over.’

[ChrisMember]

Q: Whats the speed limit of sex?
A: 68 because at 69 you have to turn around!!

[ChrisMember]

[GPMember]

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly
to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively
signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she
gently caressed his full beard.
‘Are you the manager?’ she asked, softly stroking his face with both
hands.
‘Actually, no,’ he replied.
‘Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,’ she said, running her
hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
‘I’m afraid I can’t,’ breathed the bartender.. ‘Is there anything I can
do?’
‘Yes. I need you to give him a message,’ she continued, running her
forefinger across the bartender’s lip and slyly popping a couple of her
fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
‘What should I tell him?’ the bartender managed to say.
‘Tell him,’ she whispered, ‘There’s no toilet paper, handsoap, or paper
towels in the ladies room.’

LMAO 😆

[ChrisMember]

MEDICAL TESTING

This is worrying

Beer contains female hormones
Last month, Wits University and RAU scientists released the results of a Recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain
Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women ..
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour Period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :
1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn’t drive.

7) Failed to think rationally.

Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.
Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer!
Regards

[DeanMember]

1. When I was born, I was given a choice – A big dick or a good memory. I don’t remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory..

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature’s way of saying ‘No hard feelings….’

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – ‘don’t’ and ‘stop’, unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man’s life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What’s an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn’t.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don’t have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, ‘Don’t take your troubles to bed’, many men still sleep with their wives!!

Send to the men who need a laugh and the women with a good sense of humor.

cheers Ollie :laugh:

[Mick DMember]

I like.. Karma for that Ollie!!

[ChrisMember]

Old men may walk slow but think FAST.

An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for
several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to
look it over, as he hadn’t been there for a while. He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, ‘We’re not coming out until
you leave!’ The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked. Holding the bucket up he said, ‘I’m here to feed the crocodile.’

Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.

[Mick DMember]

[Mick DMember]

[Author]

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