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February 18, 2009 at 10:33 pm #122940
Dear Employees,
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be considered for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Supervisor, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Management
Ollie
February 19, 2009 at 8:17 am #123044I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 84).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked:
‘What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?’
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.
And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response:
‘Got stoned once and f**ked a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.’
February 19, 2009 at 9:00 am #123082That just cracked me up:laugh: i have a lot of time for the older generation.
Karma up for that one MudratB)
ollie
February 20, 2009 at 7:18 am #106453One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.
Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.”My wife,” the man replied. “I’m sorry,” said Bill.”What happened to her?” “My dog bit her and she died.”
Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse.The man replied, “My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well.” Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, “Can I borrow your dog?”
To which the man replied, “Get in line.”
February 20, 2009 at 10:38 am #106454An American girl, a French girl and an African girl are traveling in a plane. The plane is about to crash. The American girl puts on make-up. Everyone was curious. “Rescuers will save a beautiful girl first!” she said. The French girl opens her bra, “the rescuers will save a girl with beautiful breasts!” she said. Then the African girl removes her knickers and says “f*ck off, they always look for the black box first!
February 21, 2009 at 9:21 pm #123233Probably one of the best country songs I have ever heard,
March 4, 2009 at 9:50 pm #123308Here is one for TRIPPER630
I know the feeling….
SWEET!!!
March 5, 2009 at 3:59 am #124909MY favourite
March 9, 2009 at 11:41 am #124930Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What is the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What is the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What is the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it is worth it!
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q.What is the difference between ‘ooooooh’and ‘aaaaaaah’?
A. About three inches.
Q. What is the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. Its not hard.
Q. How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds
Q. What is the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don’t have eyes.
Q. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q. What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don’t have balls to scratch!
March 10, 2009 at 1:18 am #121903
AnonymousQ: What’s the difference between sin and shame?
A: It’s a sin to put it in, but a shame to pull it out.
March 10, 2009 at 1:24 am #125267
AnonymousQ: What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
A: One’s a Goodyear; the other’s a great year.
March 16, 2009 at 11:51 pm #106455On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant,
obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner
completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir” says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick
“hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees
fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. “What are dose? Asks the
attendant.
“They’re called tees” replies Tiger. “Well, what on god’s earth are dey
for?” inquires the Irishman. “They’re for resting my balls on when I’m
driving”, says Tiger. “Fookin Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “BMW tinks of
everyting!March 17, 2009 at 12:11 am #126079Mick attended his 4 wheel drive clubs monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn’t make the upcoming annual Innamincka trip because his missus wouldn’t let him go.
After copping “the under the thumb remarks and other derisive remarks” Mick left to go back home to the missus.Later when Mick’s mates started arriving to set up camp at Innamincka common the following week, who should be there but Mick sitting up in front of the Cooper , swag rolled out , fishing rod in hand, and the camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of Coolabah coals.
“Geez how did ya talk ya missus into letting you come here Mick?” they asked
“I didn’t have to,” was Mick’s reply, “When I left the meeting last week I went home disappointed and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Suddenly the missus snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, ‘Surprise’.
“When I peeled her hands back there she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, ‘Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do what ever you want.”
SO HERE I AM
March 17, 2009 at 5:13 am #126087Jeremy Clarksonisms… all penned or spoken by the man himself,
“I’m sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If you’ve got even half a scrotum it’s not going to happen!”“We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It’s the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it’s full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly.”
…”the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany!”
“America: 250 million w*nkers living in a country with no word for w*nker!”
[On the Alfa Romeo Brera]
“I only have to imagine this in black, with tan leather and I’m nursing a semi!”[Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster] “It couldn’t pull a greased stick out of a pig’s bottom.”
[On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR]
“there is a word to describe this car: it begins with “s” and ends with “t”
and its not “soot”.
Hammond:”So its fairly terrible then?”
Clarkson:”Oh no…losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another league of badness!”“the Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite”
“Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary… That’s what gets you.”
‘The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw’
“Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what… BEING STABBED?”
“The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertable was Adolf Hitler.”
[Fed up during the caravaning trip]
“You aren’t allowed to have a party, you aren’t allowed to have music, you aren’t allowed to play ball games, you aren’t allowed to have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it’s a concentration camp!”“This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that’s much to shout about. That’s like saying “Ooh good I’ve got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.””
[On the Mercedes CLs55]“Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss.”
“I don’t understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?”
[On cyclists]
“Trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong!”“I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from a reader who wrote, ‘I was riding my bike to work when this red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson shouted ‘Get a car’, and drove off.’ What I actually said was, ‘Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating N*zi!”
“Britian’s nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe…probably because they don’t have wheel-chair access!”
“Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don’t feature enough affordable cars on the show……so we’ll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!”
On the Lotus Elise: “This car is more fun than the entire french air force crashing into a firework factory!”
“Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back because of three very important reasons. One: weight. This is 600lbs and that’s the same as having a whole American sitting on the tailgate…”
“I would still buy the DB9 over this, and save myself the £60,000. The problem with this car is its gearbox, its just…”
Hammond:”THAT bad is it?”
Clarkson:”Oh no. Robert Mugabe is bad, this is in a whole different league!”“In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.”
“The DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God was on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit into them.”
[Assessing Hammond’s crash]
Clarkson:”you can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come apart. now why didnt you spot that?!”
Hammond:”I had a lot on: i was doing 288 mph.”
Clarkson: “What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office on the phone, doining the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife etc, if a lion walks in, I’m going to notice it!”“Sure it’s quiet, for a diesel. But that’s like being well-behaved… for a murderer.”
“I dont often agree with the RSPCA as i believe it is an animals duty to be on my plate at supper time.”
“there are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching… on their face”
“Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You’d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke’s sweaty face. “
“Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and it helps.”
“you cant have this car with a diesel, its like saying, i wont go to stringfellows tonight, ill get my mum to give me a lapdance, shes a woman!”
“During the break we got complaints that we don’t show enough green cars so here’s one…” [pointing to a Lamborghini Murcielago in bright green].
Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car…
in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.Jeremy said this of the Porsche Cayenne! “Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis.”
March 19, 2009 at 7:19 am #126097something to offend everyone enjoy
Fat bitch in a bar says ‘If you can guess my weight, you can f*ck me.’ A bloke says, ”Bout three ton you fat ugly mole ‘. She says, ‘That’s close enough you lucky bastard’.
The latest club craze is to fill a woman’s vagina with vodka and then suck it out using a straw. Doctors are warning about the dangers of minge drinking
A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dildos! Unfortunately he’s had a lot of trouble with squatters!
85% of Ipswich , Queensland males say they enjoy sex in the shower…….. The other 15% haven’t been to prison yet
Just bought a racehorse called ‘My Face’, It may not be any good but I can’t wait to hear all the women in the crowd screaming ‘come on .. ..My face
I’ve just been to my first Muslim birthday party! Musical chairs was a bit slow but f*ck me pass the parcel was fast!
2 Irish couples decide to swap partners. Afterwards Paddy said to Murphy that’s the best f*ck I’ve ever had, I wonder how the girls got on ?
If mothers Celebrate mothers day, fathers celebrate fathers day, lovers celebrate valentines day, do wankers celebrate palm sunday?
Paddy weighs 120kg , so his doctor puts him on a diet. ‘I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day and repeat this for 2 weeks, you should loose 10kgs .’ When Paddy returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost 40 kg . ‘That?s amazing the doc said’…Paddy nodded…’I’ll tell you be Jesus, I taut I was gonna drop dead by da 3rd day.’ ‘What from hunger said the doc?’…’No from the f……..g skipping!’
CHANNEL NINE HAVE SAID THAT BLACKS AND ASIANS ARE NOT REPRESENTED ENOUGH ON TV SO THEY’RE PUTTING CRIME WATCH ON TWICE A WEEK.
Are you available to come to a charity pancake competition on Shrove Tuesday? The organisers have the pans and the ingredients they just need a tosser.
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