Jokes

[dennis da menaceMember]

nice work ollie, nice work.

[PeterMember]

menace wrote:

Quote:

i’ll leave Wonda’s alone for a minute and aim this one directly at TB……

A BEER BEFORE IT STARTS

TB came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his Selina, “Quick, bring me a beer before it starts.”
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. He skolled it and said, “Quick, bring me another beer. It’s gonna start.”
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, “Quick Honey, another beer, it’s gonna start any second.”
“That’s it!” Selina blows her top, “You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don’t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don’t you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?”
TB sighed. “Oh shit, it’s started.

😆 :cheer: :cheer: 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆

i kill myself sometimes…..lol…

menace

I found this one but figured I better page surf to make sure its not here ………… which it is sort of:dry:, oh well :silly: .

[DeanMember]

Old Flame
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who This morning called ‘out-of-the-blue’ to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I’d be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that ‘old magic’.

‘Wow!’ I was flabbergasted.

‘I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now’, I said, ‘I’m a bit older

and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don’t really have the energy I used to have.’

She just giggled and said she was sure I would ‘rise to the challenge’.

‘Yeah.’ I said. ‘Just so long as you don’t mind a waistline that’s a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone…everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!’

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, ‘I’ve put on a few pounds myself!’

So I told her to fu(k off. :woohoo:

[DeanMember]

A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, ……… ‘Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
I’m awfully cold..’

‘I have a better idea,’ she replied ‘Just for tonight, …… let’s pretend that we’re married.’

‘Wow! …………………. That’s a great idea!’, he exclaimed.

‘Good,’ she replied. …………. ‘Get your own f-cking blanket.’

After a moment of silence, ………………….he farted.

The End

[DeanMember]

The Centrelink Office.

A long haired kiwi walked into the local Centrelink office to pick up his dole cheque.
He marched straight up to the counter and said,
‘Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing the dole. I’d really rather have a job.’

The Centrelink girl behind the counter said, ‘ Your timing is excellent, Sir.’
‘We have just received a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to drive around
in his 2007 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll also be expected to
escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to
say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her
sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20’s and has a rather strong sex drive.
A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc.
located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary
is $200,000 a year. ‘

The kiwi plain wide-eyed, said, ‘ You’re bullshitin’ me! ‘

The Centrelink worker replied, ‘ Yeah, well. . you ……. started it.’

[DeanMember]

It’s hell to get old…

OLD people have problems that you haven’t even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘”Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained,
“Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.. ‘Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. ‘We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too. First with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”
The doctor was shocked!
“You asked your neighbor?”
The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”

[ChrisMember]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge.

‘I should be in charge,’ said the brain,
‘Because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen.’

‘I should be in charge,’ said the blood ,
‘because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you’d all waste away.’

‘I should be in charge,’ said the stomach ,
‘because I process food and give all of you energy.’

‘I should be in charge,’ said the legs,
‘because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.’

‘I should be in charge,’ said the eyes,
‘Because I allow the body to see where it goes.’

‘I should be in charge,’ said the rectum,
‘Because I’m responsible for waste removal.’

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days,
the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The ass hole is usually the one in charge!

[ChrisMember]

A teacher asks her class to use the word “contagious”. Roland the teacher’s pet, gets up and says,
“Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious.” “Well done, Roland,” says the teacher.

“Can anyone else try?”

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, “My grandma says there’s a bug going round, and it’s contagious.”

“Well done, Katie,” says the teacher.

“Anyone else?”

Little Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent,

“Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious.”

[Matt BakerMember]

this seems appropriate

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

The first bull says, “Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain’t’ givin’ him any of mine.”

The second bull says, “That pretty much says it for me, too. I’ve been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we’ve agreed are mine. I’ll fight ‘im till I run him off or kill ‘im, but I’M KEEPIN’ ALL MY COWS.”

The third bull says, “I’ve only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to “take care of”. I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.”

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

The first bull says, “Ahem…You know, it’s actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.”

The second bull says, “I’ll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.”

They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm.

The first bull says, “Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.”

The third bull says, “Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I’m just making sure he knows I’M a bull!”

[GregMember]

The Gynecologist
A gynecologist had become so fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO
paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful
hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the
local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and
learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the
gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with
tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained
a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, “I
don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I
wonder if there is an error in the grade.”

The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back
together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. This
equaled an A.”

After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you
did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire
career.”

[DeanMember]

LMFAO TB

Great News for these financially challenging times!

I found a local prostitute who charges by the inch.

I can’t afford her but thought you might enjoy a cheap night out.

[DeanMember]

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths..
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative – you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,

V. Gina

[DeanMember]

BIRTHDAY REMINDER

This week we celebrate a special birthday! Monica Lewinsky turned 34. Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth. They grow up so fast, don’t they?

[dennis da menaceMember]

i just got this email, dunno if its true, but its funny:woohoo:

Political Correctness

One thing about blokes from Oz is that their hearts and humour are always in the right place! T. B. Bechtel, a City Councillor from Newcastle, Australia, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists.

His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT:

‘If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner’s testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little camelshagger will save just one Australian life, then I have only three things to say,’

Red is positive,

Black is negative, and

Make sure his nuts are wet.’

[drewMember]

[Author]

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