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April 8, 2009 at 12:12 pm #106457
An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She’s chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates
When all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.Don’t worry about that,’ says St. Peter,
‘It’s only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the
wings.’The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with
The conversation.Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
‘Oh my God,’ says the old lady, ‘now what is happening?’
‘Not to worry,’ says St. Peter,
‘She’s just having her head drilled to fit the halo.’‘I can’t do this,’ says the old lady, ‘I’m going to hell.’
‘You can’t go there,’says St. Peter.
‘You’ll be raped and taken advantage of.’‘Maybe so, says the old lady, but I’ve already got the holes
For that.’April 8, 2009 at 1:01 pm #128540How do you tell the blind Gyneocologist(or what ever their called )
Their the one with the wet nose
How do can you tell the Gyneocologist (or what ever their called )has been in the trade for a while
Their the one with tunnel vision
:S :S :S :S
April 8, 2009 at 1:21 pm #128432LMFAO
oh my god cant stop!Sheer class
where does this come from menace?,
better not ask:unsure: :laugh:April 8, 2009 at 2:40 pm #128548aarochild wrote:
Quote:LMFAO
oh my god cant stop!Sheer class
where does this come from menace?,
better not ask:unsure: :laugh:one of my LOOPY-ER mates sent it too me i swear
April 8, 2009 at 7:35 pm #128551Can’t see the big deal with calling a Pakistani a Paki.
It’s just the same as calling an Australian an Aussie, a Scotsman a Scot or a Frenchman a Prick.
*********I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a guy hiding behind a gravestone. I said “morning.”
He replied, “No, just having a shit.”
********************Went to my first Muslim birthday party last week. The musical chairs was a bit slow but, fuck me, the pass the parcel was quick!!!
**************When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
Then I realised that The Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me
**************I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan guy standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, “What’s up Abdul, won’t it fucking start?”
*******************April 9, 2009 at 11:50 am #106458Miss Johnson was monitoring detention at school & Lil Johnny was there and he was being rude, so Miss Johnson said; “How are you ever gonna get a girlfriend when you’re so mean?”
He responds, “I think the better question is how are you ever gonna get a boyfriend when you’re so ugly.
April 15, 2009 at 2:31 am #128628Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf…..Unfortunately, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, ‘I warned you to be careful! Now we’ll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.’
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, ‘Come on in.’
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, ‘Are you the people that broke my window?’
‘Uh…yeah, sir. We’re really sorry about that,’ the husband replied.
‘Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you… You see e, I’m a genie , and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, but if you don’t mind, I’ll keep the last one for myself.’
‘Wow, that’s great!’ the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, ‘I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.’
‘No problem,’ said the genie ‘You’ve got it, it’s the least I can do. And I’ll guarantee you a long, healthy life!’ ‘And now you, young lady, what do you want?’ the genie asked.
‘I’d like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,’ she said.
‘Consider it done,’ the genie said. ‘And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!’
‘And now,’ the couple asked in unison, what’s your wish, genie?’
‘Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle and haven’t been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.’
The husband looked at his wife and said, ‘Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses What do you think?’
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, ‘You know, you’re right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn’t mind, but what about you, honey?’
‘You know I love you sweetheart,’ said the husband. I’d do the same for you!’ So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, ‘How old are you and your husband?’
‘Why, we’re both 35,’ she responded breathlessly.
‘ NO S***.’ He said, ‘Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?’:woohoo:
April 20, 2009 at 9:03 am #129154Who is your real best friend? Your four legged Mutt? or your Loving caring Sharing always there for you Wife?
Id pick rover!
If you don’t believe it, just try this experiment.Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?
Ollie
April 21, 2009 at 1:01 pm #129808Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night ,
A drunk Maori led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.
‘What’s that big brass gong for?’ one of the friend’s asked.
‘Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock’ he drunkenly replied.
‘A talking Australian clock – seriously?’
‘Yup.’ ‘Hmmm (hic).’
‘How’s it work?’ the second friend asked, squinting at it.
‘Just watch’ he said.
He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an ‘ear-shattering bash’ and stepped back.
His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.
Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,
‘For f*#k’s sake, you stupid pri*#. It’s ten past three in the f*#king morning !!!’
Ollie
April 23, 2009 at 11:59 pm #126219OLD AGE
“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old man. “You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time I stand there and nothing comes out.”
“Ah, that’s nothin,” said the 70-year-old. “When you’re seventy, you don’t have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin’ comes out!”
“Actually,” said the 80-year -old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”
“Do you have trouble peeing, too?” asked the 60-year old.
“No, I pee every morning at 06:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.”
“So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?”
“No, I have one every morning at 06:30.”
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, “You pee every morning at 06:00 and crap every morning at 06:30. So what’s so bad about being 80?”
“I don’t wake up until 07:00.
go Old bulls
April 26, 2009 at 9:44 pm #130391Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night ,
A drunk Maori led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.
‘What’s that big brass gong for?’ one of the friend’s asked.
‘Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock’ he drunkenly replied.
‘A talking Australian clock – seriously?’
‘Yup.’ ‘Hmmm (hic).’
‘How’s it work?’ the second friend asked, squinting at it.
‘Just watch’ he said.
He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an ‘ear-shattering bash’ and stepped back.
His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.
Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,
‘For f*#k’s sake, you stupid pri*#. It’s ten past three in the f*#king morning !!!’
April 28, 2009 at 2:05 am #126220Top Four Adult Jokes
Fourth Place:
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says,‘Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.’
She replies, ‘If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 221.’
Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed,the husband starts rubbing his wife’s arm.
The wife turns over and says ‘I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.’
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
‘Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?’
Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it,but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
‘What’s wrong, Bill?’ she asked.
‘Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urgeto put my penis into the pickle slicer?’
‘Oh, Bill, you didn’t’ she exclaimed.
‘Yes, I did.’ he replied.
‘My God, Bill, what happened?’
‘I got fired.’
‘No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?’
‘Oh…she got fired too.’
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,‘Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here
at this breakfast table together.’
‘I know,’ the old man said.‘We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.’
‘Well,’ Granny snickered. ‘Let’s relive some old times.’
Whereupon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
‘You know, honey,’ the little old lady breathlessly replied,‘My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.’
‘I wouldn’t be surprised,’ replied Gramps.‘One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
April 28, 2009 at 5:22 am #131123A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre.
They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a
Couple of years doing what’s natural for men and women to do.After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt
Absolutely horrible about what she was doing.She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad
That she killed herself.It was tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and,
After a while, nature once more took its inevitable course.Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren
Began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
So they buried Deirdre. :ohmy: :ohmy: :ohmy: :ohmy: :ohmy: :ohmy: :ohmy: :ohmy: :ohmy:April 29, 2009 at 12:11 am #131168Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?
A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
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Q. What’s a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.
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Q What’s the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
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Q. What’s the definition of ‘Macho’?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
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Q. What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
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Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X’s on the back of the sheep that kick!
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Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it’s worth it!
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Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone..
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Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
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Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
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Q.What is the difference between ‘ooooooh’and ‘aaaaaaah’?
A. About three inches.
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Q: What’s the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
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Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A. It’s not hard.
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Q: What’s the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?
A: 45 pounds.
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Q: What’s the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?
A: 45 minutes.
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Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don’t have eyes.
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Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium , eight inches is rare.
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Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don’t have balls to scratch!
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April 29, 2009 at 5:04 am #131370THIS ONES FOR MENACE:laugh:
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium.
She said, “I have a praise.Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor
Tom must have experienced.
“Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece
together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the
horrible surgery performed on Tom.
“Now,” she announced in a quavering voice, “thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors
say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”
All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, “I’m Tom.”
The entire congregation held its breath.
“I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum.”
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