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May 5, 2009 at 10:33 am #126222
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter, at the Pearly Gates.
“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.
“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered. “Once, on a
trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota I came upon a gang of
bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave
her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest,
and most heavily tattooed biker, and smacked him in his face, kicked
his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, “Now, back off!! Or I’ll kick the #$%$)@ out of all of you!”St. Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”
“Just a couple minutes ago…”
May 9, 2009 at 8:08 am #106459Bear Hunter
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for “Bear Removers.”
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
“What are you going to do,” the homeowner asks?
“I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.”
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
“What’s the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner.
“If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”
May 9, 2009 at 8:31 am #106460St Peter was patrolling the fence around the perimeter between Heaven & Hell.
He came across a huge hole that had been torn in the wire, as he looked up he saw the Devil himself and called out,,
“Hey you, Devil, come over here & check out this hole in the fence”
The Devil loked at St Peter & replied, “So what, why would I care!!!”
St Peter then demanded, ” It was obviously one of your poor souls attempting to escape that horrible place, You had better go & fetch some of your Engineer fellows to repair the hole!!!”
Devil replied, “Go & find some one on your side to fix it, anyway what are ya gonna do if I refuse to look after it???”
St Peter thought for a second, then smuggly replied, ” We`ll SUE YA, how about that???”With a loud laughing voice, the Devil snorted back, “AND WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU GUYS OVER THERE ARE GONNA FIND A LAWYER!!!!”
May 9, 2009 at 11:49 am #106461Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. One of the students said to his friend “I’m sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”
The other student says “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class.”
Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him “We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?”
The old man said “I’ll tell you, but first you must tell me what you think.” One of the students said “I think its Petry Syndrome.” The old man said “You thought…. but you are wrong.” Then the other student said “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.” The old man said “You thought… but you are wrong.” So they asked him “Well, what do you have?” The old man said “I thought it was a FART… but I was WRONG.”
May 9, 2009 at 12:08 pm #106462A few guys are at the pub. one of them had too many and spewed all down his shirt.
“oh no my wife’s going to kill me”.
his mate said to put 20 bucks in his shirt pocket, then when the missus washes it she finds the money and you explain that it’s from the guy that spewed on you, and it was for the cost of the dry cleaning.
the next morning his wife says “what’s the $20 in you shirt pocket for?”.
“that’s from the guy that spewed on me, to pay for the dry cleaning.”
his wife snorts and says, “Oh is that so? yeah, well it’s a pity the guy that crapped in your pants didn’t cough up too!”
May 9, 2009 at 12:15 pm #133317now thats funny:laugh::laugh:
good one xy
May 10, 2009 at 1:32 pm #1064637 Englishmen and a Irishman are standing in a police line up, A rape victim walks in, Paddy steps forward and shouts “That’s her, the ungrateful slut”
May 10, 2009 at 8:43 pm #133449The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviewsand testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of
the men to a large metal door and handed
him a gun.‘We must know that you will follow your
instructions no matter what the circumstances.Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
in a chair … kill her!!’The man said, ‘You can’t be serious. I could
never shoot my wife.’The agent said, ‘Then you’re not the right man
for this job. Take your wife and go home.’The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was
quiet for about 5 minutes.The man came out with tears in his eyes, ‘I tried,
but I can’t kill my wife.’ The agent said, ‘You don’t
have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.’Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the
same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
after another. They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.‘This gun is loaded with blanks’ she said. ‘I had to
beat him to death with the chair.’MORAL:
Women are crazy. Don’t mess with them
May 15, 2009 at 10:01 am #106464The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday. Very nice, but I think they may have misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
May 15, 2009 at 10:05 am #134454The NRL have cleared Matty Johns of all charges as the kiwi girl has just admitted she wasnt aware of the interchange rule:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
May 15, 2009 at 10:07 am #106465Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?” “Eight”, the boy replied. The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?” The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do none of those”.
May 18, 2009 at 1:06 pm #134457Little Bruce
Mohammed entered his classroom.
“What is your name?” asked the teacher.
“Mohammed”…. answered the kid.
“We are in Australia and, there is no Mohammed. From now on your name will be Bruce,” replied the teacher.
In the evening, Mohammed returned home. “How was your day, Mohammed?” asked his mother.
“My name is not Mohammed, I am in Australia and now my name is Bruce.”
“Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you,” and she beat him.
Then she called the father and he too beat him savagely.
The next day Mohammed returned to school. When the teacher
saw him with all the bruises she asked:
“What happened to you little Bruce?”
“Well, Miss, 2 hours after becoming Australian I was attacked by two fuckin’ Arabs!…”
May 18, 2009 at 1:09 pm #134866Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded
garden behind the Center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they
know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, ‘Do you know
what I miss most of all?’
She asks, ‘What?’
‘Sex!’ he replies.
Mildred exclaims, ‘Why, you old fart. You couldn’t get it up if I held a gun to your head!’
‘I know,’ Harold says, ‘but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.’
‘Well, I guess I can oblige,’ says Mildred , who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood
and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden
where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold’s manhood.
Then one night, Harold didn’t show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided
to find Harold and make sure he was OK.
She walked around the Senior Citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel,
another female resident, who was holding Harold’s manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, ‘You two-timing son of a bitch! What does Ethel have that I don’t have?’
Old Harold smiled happily and replied, ‘Parkinson’s!’
May 18, 2009 at 1:10 pm #134867Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit,
“Get this thing outta me! Give me the drugs!”
She turns to her boyfriend and says,
“You did this to me, you fucker!”
He casually replies,
“If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said,
‘fuck off it’ll be too painful.'”May 26, 2009 at 11:07 am #133267SCHOOL — 1957 vs. 2007
Scenario :
Jack goes rabbit shooting before school,
pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.1957 – Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s rifle, goes to his car and gets his rifle & chats with Jack about guns.
2007 – School goes into lock down, Star Force called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his ute or gun again.. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.1957 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 – Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months. School board hold meeting to impliment bullying prevention programs
Scenario:
Robbie won’t be still in class, disrupts other students.1957 – Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 – Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie’s parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.
Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.1957 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.
Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school..1957 – Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.
2007 – Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario :
Pedro fails high school English.1957 – Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college
2007 – Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. AFRE files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bullant nest.1957 – Ants die.
2007- Star Force, Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Feds investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny’s Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario :
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.1957 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
This should be sent to every e-mail address to show how stupid we have become!
Think about it!
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