Jokes

[glennMember]

Little Johnny’s at it again….. A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, ‘Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’ After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, ‘Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?’ ‘No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!’

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. ‘Why do you do that, mummy?’ he asked. ‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. ‘What’s the matter?’ asked Little Johnny. ‘Giving up?’

* * * * * * * * * * *

The maths teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
‘Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?’ Little Johnny quickly replied, ‘NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!’

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny’skindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. ‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him.’Little Johnny asked, ‘Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture ?’

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny attended a horse auction withhis father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, ‘Dad, why are you doing that?’ His father replied, ‘Because when I’m buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, ‘Dad, I think the Telstra guy wants to buy Mum .’

[Dwayne OMember]

ECKS-Man wrote:

Quote:

The big bad wolf said, ” I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house down”

The little piggy said, “F*ck off, or I’ll sneeze on you”.

And Little Miss Riding Hood said ” No you won`t, you are gonna eat me like the Fu%@&n book says”:blink:

[TobyMember]

HOW TO POO AT WORK

We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it we’ve all kicked
back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below.
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is
inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the
“Survival Guide” for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is
not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn’t know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check
for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come
back again. Be careful not to become a

FREQUENT FLYER
People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going
into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing
a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment.
If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.
If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK
When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.
This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water.
This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have
just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realise that you are in the stall and tries to
force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that
you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. Can
create your own Tsunami, which will result in a puddle appearing under the stall door. Also, there is the inevitable embarrassment of
“splashback”. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELETTE
A case of diarrhoea that creates series of loud splashes in the
toilet water. Often companied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

[drewMember]

Chicken Surprise

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the ‘Chicken
Surprise’, The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises
slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around
before the lid slams back down.

‘Good grief, did you see that?’ she asks her husband. He hasn’t, so she
asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises,
and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening,
and demands an explanation.

‘Please sir,’ says the waiter, ‘what you order?’

The husband replies, ‘Chicken Surprise.’

‘Ah! So sorry,’ says the waiter, ‘I bring you Peeking Duck!’

[drewMember]

A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for
his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price
— the more sheer, the higher the price.
Naturally, he opts for the best, pays the $500 and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and
model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she’s no dummy), ‘I have an idea. It’s so
sheer that It might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on, but I’ll do
the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for
myself.’
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, ‘Good Grief! You’d think for $500, they’d at least
iron it!’
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon
. Closed coffin.

[DeanMember]

Tasmanian couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out.

Husband says ‘ Oh for fark’s sake stop crying, you’re still my sister’

__________________________________

My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come back as something else.

She said she wanted to come back as a pig.

I said, ‘You’re not f#$king listening’
_____________________________________________

Was depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in Afghanistan, told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

_______________________________________________

I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later.

I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and f#@ks off.

__________________________________________________

Today an Abbo was found nailed to a tree, stabbed six times and shot twice.

Redfern police said it’s the worst case of suicide they had ever seen.

___________________________________________________

A car bomb was found outside Lakemba mosque today. Police have urged the public not to panic as they have managed to push it inside the mosque.

____________________________________________________

Woman goes into a shoe shop and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos.
She asks what are they made of.

The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a pair.

The woman said she could not afford that. The assistant said says ‘Don’t worry, we have them in black for $4.99.

______________________________________________________

Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, ‘get this out of me, give me drugs’.

She turns to the boyfriend and says ‘You did this to me you fu#ker’.

He replied casually, ‘If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your a$#e but you said, ‘F#@k off it’ll be too painful’, Now who’s laughing’

Ollie:laugh:

[Mick DMember]

Todays lesson

Dont piss off someone who owns an Excavator

[scott bockingMember]

Magic Sandals

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, ‘You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.’

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, ‘I ‘ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.’

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them, being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, ‘How could sandals make you a sex freak?’

The Jamaican replied, ‘Just try dem on, Mon.’

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn’t seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican’s thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: ‘You got dem on de wrong feet!’

[AndrewMember]

9 months ago they said ‘When a black president gets elected, pigs would fly’…9 months later swine flu!:laugh:

[drewMember]

three mates all kicken back on a friday arvo.

the scott’s man cracks a brand new bottle of fine aged single malt. and says he was putting his 20yr old daughter’s cloths on her bed and found a bottle of scotch, “i didn’t realise she liked a fine scotch like her old man! i’d enjoy having a drink with her and just relaxing. i don’t want her to hide the fact she likes a drink”.

the cuban says the same thing that he found a stash of choice cigars in his daughter’s room, and should not hide that she too enjoys a smoke.

the irishman says that he found condoms in his daughter’s room, and declared he was most shocked,

“i never even knew she even had a penis!”.

[Mick DMember]

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN’S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish – 49
Adventurous – Slept with everyone
Athletic – No tits
Average looking – Ugly
Beautiful – Pathological liar
Contagious Smile – Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure – On medication
Feminist – Fat
Free spirit – Junkie
Friendship first – Former very *friendly* person
Fun – Annoying
New Age – Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded – Desperate
Outgoing – Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate – Sloppy drunk
Professional – Bitch
Voluptuous – Very Fat
Large frame – Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate – Stalker

WOMEN’S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you’ll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you’re in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You’re very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN’S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let’s have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don’t go with that outfit = I’m gay

And finally…..

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.

However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

[TobyMember]

THINK before you speak…

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak –

the last one is great!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could

immediately take the words back…

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did….

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and

three kids in tow and asked loudly,

“How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow j * b?”

I turned around and walked back out and never went back

My husband didn’t say a word…

he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.

I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using.

After browsing for several minutes,

I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen

who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said ,

“I think I like playing with men’s balls.”

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and

passed by a store that sold a

variety of candy and nuts.

As we were looking at the display case,

the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.

I replied, “No, I’m just looking at your nuts.”

My sister started to laugh hysterically.

The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.

To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY :

While in line at the bank one afternoon,

my toddler decided to release

some pent-up energy and ran amok.

I was finally able to grab hold of

her after receiving looks of disgust

and annoyance from other patrons.

I told her that if she did not start behaving

“right now” she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and

said in a voice just as threatening,

“If you don’t let me go right now,

I will tell Grandma that I saw you

kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!”

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.

Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.

I mustered up the last of my dignity and

walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard as

the door closed behind me,

were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?

My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training

and I was on him constantly

One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch

in between errands.

It was very busy, with a full dining room.

While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,

so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter,

and she was clean.

Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.

I asked him if he needed to go, and he said “No”.

I kept thinking “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident,

and I don’t have any clean clothes with me.”

Then I said, “Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?”

“No,” he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,

because the smell was getting worse.

So, I asked one more time,

“Danny, did you have an accident?”

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,

bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled

“SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!”

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,

he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An older couple made me feel better,

thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This one had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days

and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,

in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow, but don’t get any?

We had a female news anchor who,

the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t,

turned to the weatherman and asked:

“So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?”

Not only did HE have to leave the set,

but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn’t that feel good?

Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh,

and remember…

we all say things we don’t really mean,

so think before you speak.

[Dwayne OMember]

THIS SHOULD KEEP SOME OF OUR OLD BULLS HAPPY :laugh:

Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol..
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol – Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup – Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil – Alive.

So, the Minister asked the congregation –

What did you learn from this demonstration???

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

‘As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!’

[Dwayne OMember]

WHAT ?????
No Jacko jokes on here ,,,,,, I don`t believe it:P
I copped a few on the sms today, some from Boony even:laugh:

[glennMember]

spidy is now in admin

[Author]

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