Jokes

[GlennMember]

An Asian woman goes in to her local NAB Branch and begins exchanging her money.

After the transaction is complete she asks the teller.

Why it change, yesterday I get two hunat dollar for my money, today I only get hunat eighty?

The teller looked over his glasses and says very slowly…. fluctuations.

The Asian woman narrows her eyes and says, fluck you Aussies too

[Jeffrey SmithMember]

The teacher asked the class how to use the word contagious in a sentence,,,,,,

Little Johnny put his hand up and said I know miss my dad used that word the other day

We were driving down the road and a truck had lost his load of oranges and dad sain it’s going to take that c%&t! ages to pick up all those oranges. :ohmy: :ohmy: :huh: :woohoo:

[Dwayne OMember]

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said,
‘You Australian folk eat the whole bread?’

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during
his breakfast, and replied, ‘of course.’

The American blew a huge bubble. ‘We don’t. In the States, we only eat
what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them,
transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .’

The American had a smirk on his face.The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted, ‘D’ya eat jam with your bread?’
Sighing, the Australian replied, ‘of course.’

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, ‘we don’t.
In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all
the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them,
transform them into jam and sell it to Australia ..

The Australian then asked, ‘Do you have sex in the States?’

The American smiled and said ‘Why of course we do.’

The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, ‘And what do you do with the condoms
once you’ve used them?’

‘We throw them away, of course!’

Now it was the Australians turn to smile.

‘We don’t. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into
chewing gum and sell them to the United States .
Why do you think it’s called Wrigley’s?’?

[drewMember]

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

:laugh: :laugh:

wet me self there Eagle!!

thats just plane funny!!!!

[DeanMember]

Interesting – I never knew this !

Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in “illegal immigrants” and add a few more letters, it spells out: ‘Fuck off and go home you benefit grabbing, kid producing, violent, non-English speaking cocksuckers and take those hairy faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat fucking, mutton eating, smelly rag head bastards with you.’

How weird is that ??

Ollie:S

[JohnMember]

A father and son are walking in Chemist when the son see’s packets of condoms on the shelf and asks what they are for.

Dad replies “the are contraception son, to stop unwanted pregnancies.

“Oh” the son replies “why do they come in packs of 3,6 and 12” ?

“Well son, the packets of three are for teenagers, one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday.” Dad responds.

Dad goes on “The packets of 6 are for college students. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and Two for Sunday.

And the packets of 12 are for married men,

One for January, one for February………………………….

[FezMember]

JAK wrote:

Quote:

A father and son are walking in Chemist when the son see’s packets of condoms on the shelf and asks what they are for.

Dad replies “the are contraception son, to stop unwanted pregnancies.

“Oh” the son replies “why do they come in packs of 3,6 and 12” ?

“Well son, the packets of three are for teenagers, one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday.” Dad responds.

Dad goes on “The packets of 6 are for college students. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and Two for Sunday.

And the packets of 12 are for married men,

One for January, one for February………………………….

Thats gold,JAK.

[drewMember]

It Pays to Know German

An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.

The Amish man shouts:

“Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kühe und die Schweine haben darin geschissen!”

Which means: “Don’t drink the water, the cows and the pigs have shit in it!”

The man shouts back: “I’m a Muslim, I don’t understand your gibberish. Speak English, infidel!”

The Amish man shouts back in English:

“Use two hands, you’ll get more!”

[ChrisMember]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
Spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, ‘Excuse me,
Can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I
Don’t know where I am.’

The woman below replied, ‘You’re in a hot air balloon hovering
Approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees
North latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.’

‘You must be in Information Technology,’ said the balloonist.

‘I am,’ replied the woman, ‘how did you know?’

‘Well,’ answered the balloonist, ‘everything you told me is probably
Technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information
And the fact is, I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at
All. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip.’

The woman below responded, ‘You must be in Management.’

‘I am,’ replied the balloonist, ‘but how did you know?’

‘Well,’ said the woman, ‘you don’t know where you are or where you’re
Going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot
Air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you
Expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in
Exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow,
it’s my f**king fault.’

[dennis da menaceMember]

badfun wrote:

Quote:

The woman below responded, ‘You must be in Management.’

‘I am,’ replied the balloonist, ‘but how did you know?’

‘Well,’ said the woman, ‘you don’t know where you are or where you’re
Going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot
Air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you
Expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in
Exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow,
it’s my f**king fault.’

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: thats about me becoming a moderator:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[GPMember]

looool

[ChrisMember]

A guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, “Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache.”

The wife, laying in bed reading a book, looks up and says, “If you weren’t such an idiot, you’d know that’s a sheep, not a cow.”

The guy replies, “If you weren’t such a presumptuous bitch, you’d realize I was talking to the sheep.”

[ChrisMember]

Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the ‘F’ word?

A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, ‘BINGO!’

[Dwayne OMember]

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’
The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

[glennMember]

EAGLE`02 wrote:

Quote:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’
The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. [/qu

I don`t get it:huh:

[Author]

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