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July 20, 2009 at 7:51 am #106492
Ask ya other HEAD
:laugh:Think about it,,,,,
July 22, 2009 at 2:52 am #106493FIRST TIME SEX
…………..
A girl asks her
boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet & have dinner with her
parents.Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend
that after dinner, she would like to go out & make love for the first
time.The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a
trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it’s
his first time & the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He
tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms & sex.. At the
register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy,
a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time & all.That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house & meets his
girlfriend at the door.
‘Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!’The boy goes inside & is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s
parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace & bows his head. A minute passes &
the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.10 minutes pass & still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20
minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over & whispers to the
boyfriend, ‘I had no idea you were this religious.’The boy turns & whispers back, ‘I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist.’July 22, 2009 at 3:19 am #144871hahaha classic
July 22, 2009 at 3:31 am #106494A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Lockyer Valley farm and talks with an old farmer.
He tells the farmer, I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation.
The old farmer says, ‘Okay, but don’t go in that paddock over there.
The Water representative says, ‘Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?’
The old farmer nods politely and goes about his work.
Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the farmer’s bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs…..
‘Your card! Show him Your card!
July 22, 2009 at 3:46 am #106495an older couple are heading to town on their wagon, when they see Mr Browns bull mounting a cow, the husband asks “do you reckon i could do that when we get back from town dear?”.
the wife replies “if you really wish to dear it is ok with me, you can do what you please, but you may want to check with Mr Brown it’s his cow”.:blink: :huh: :ohmy:
tough traffic laws!:
a kiwi got gaoled the other day,on the spot no questions asked,
he was attempting to do a ewey in the main street.
July 23, 2009 at 12:47 am #106496A Queensland jackeroo is overseeing his herd in remote territory when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy,
‘If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?’The jackaroo looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, ‘Sure, why not?’
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet,
Where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite
That scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop
And exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and,
After a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer
And finally turns to the cowboy and says, ‘You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.’‘That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,’ says the Cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, ‘Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?’
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, ‘Okay, why not?’
‘You work for the Australian Government’, says the Jackaroo.
‘Wow! That’s correct,’ says the yuppie, ‘but how did you guess that?’
‘No guessing required.’ answered the jackaroo. ‘You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.
You used all kinds of expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid for, you tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about cows .. this is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.’July 23, 2009 at 12:37 pm #106497hmmmm:ohmy: :huh: :dry:
:unsure:
July 26, 2009 at 10:35 pm #106499Kevin Rudd was out jogging one morning along the harbour pathway near Kirribilli House in Sydney when he tripped, fell down a bank and landed in the water below.
Before the Security detail guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.
He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, ‘I want to go to Movie World in QLD.’ Kevin said, ‘No problem, I’ll take you there on my special Prime Minister’s airplane.’
The second kid said, ‘I want a new pair of Speedo ‘SHARK’ bathers.’ Kevin said, ‘I’ll get them for you, and even have Ian Thorpe sign them!’
The third kid said, ‘I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!’
Kevin was a little perplexed by this and said, ‘But you don’t look like you’re handicapped.’
The kid said, ‘I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!’
hatto
July 27, 2009 at 7:45 am #106500A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday.
She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses.
She says, Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?’
He says, ‘Madam, I’m completely blind; but, if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.’
She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, ‘That’s a two metre Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 5-kg test line.
It’s a good all around combination, and it’s on sale this Week for $44.’She says, ‘It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.
I’ll take it!’As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.’Oh, That sounds like a Visa card, says the salesman.
As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.
At first she is really embarrassed but then realises there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.The salesman rings up the sale and says, ‘That’ll be $58.50 please.’
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, ‘Didn’t You tell me it was on sale for $44?
How did you get to $58.50?’‘The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50.’
July 27, 2009 at 1:19 pm #145407An Oirish Story
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems….
‘Doctor, it’s me ahrse. I’d loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot’.
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
‘Incredible’he says, ‘there is a $20 note lodged up here.’
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man’s bottom, and then a $10 dollar note appears.
‘This is amazing!’exclaims the Doctor. ”What do you want me to do?’
‘Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! ‘shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc…..
Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
‘Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat’s moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?’
The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says $1,990 exactly.’
‘Ah, dat’d be roit,” says the Irishman
‘I knew I wasn’t feeling two grand…..’
Ollie:laugh:
July 28, 2009 at 1:02 pm #145480Daffy Duck on a dirty weekend calls hotel reception and asks for a pack of condoms.
The receptionist says, shall I put them on your bill?Daffy replies……….
Don’t be thucking thtupid, – I’d thufficate!!! :laugh:
:laugh: :laugh:Ollie
July 31, 2009 at 12:26 am #145623CHINESE SICK LEAVE : “I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!”
Hung Chow calls into work and says, “Hey, I no come work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.”
The boss John says, “You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.”
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. “I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon………You got nice house.”
July 31, 2009 at 9:48 am #106501We all know those cute little computer symbols called ’emoticons,’ where:
means a smile and
is a frown.Sometimes these are represented by
Well, how about some ‘ASSICONS?’
Here goes:(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) a sore ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that’s been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
You have just been e-mooned!
August 5, 2009 at 10:57 am #106498A Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder
On Michael Jackson’s Death………. .. … … .. …..
.. . . … . . . . . .. . .. …. .. .. . … ..
… … … … … … … …. …… ….. .. … …. …… .. .
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. .. .. .
.. ….
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Deep stuff eh?
I nearly cried when he said “. … . . . .. .. … .. .. . . …. ….”August 5, 2009 at 12:21 pm #147094xy-transit wrote:
Quote:A Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder
On Michael Jackson’s Death………. .. … … .. …..
.. . . … . . . . . .. . .. …. .. .. . … ..
… … … … … … … …. …… ….. .. … …. …… .. .
.. . . … …. . . . ..
… . …. …. …. ….. …
……. …. …. …. ….. ….. ….. .. . . …. ….
. .. .
. . .. . .. . …
…… … … … .. … ……. … .. ….. … … ….. ….
. .. .. .
.. ….
.. . . . . . .. .. … ..
.. …. … … … ……. …… …..
Deep stuff eh?
I nearly cried when he said “. … . . . .. .. … .. .. . . …. ….”ummmm, please explain!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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