Jokes

[GregMember]

That Cat one gets karma

[GPMember]

[DeanMember]

maybe he has a squirrel stuck in his throat:laugh:

ollie

[shaneMember]

Tony Mundine (not his real name) goes to the doctor’s and says, “Doc, everytime I walk past a mirror and see myself I get sexually aroused.”

Dr. says, “No wonder….you’re a tnuc!”

[shaneMember]

I went to the doctor’s last week for my annual check up, she told me I should stop masturbating.
I asked why?
She says, “Because I’m trying to examine you!”

BOOM BOOM!

[Mick DMember]

[Mick DMember]

Did you hear about the 2 tv antennas that were going out. Yeah, they finally got married, wasn’t much of a wedding but the reception was great.

[GPMember]

Jeremy shooting cars: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNzNkKhe3lE :laugh:

[Mick DMember]

Yuri wrote:

Quote:

Jeremy shooting cars: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNzNkKhe3lE :laugh:

That would make a great activity for our Xmas Party!!!

[TobyMember]

If you like fart joke you will think this is funny.

HOW TO POO AT WORK

We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it we’ve all kicked
back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below.
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is
inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the
“Survival Guide” for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is
not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn’t know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check
for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come
back again. Be careful not to become a

FREQUENT FLYER
People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going
into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing
a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment.
If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.
If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK
When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.
This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water.
This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have
just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realise that you are in the stall and tries to
force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that
you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. Can
create your own Tsunami, which will result in a puddle appearing under the stall door. Also, there is the inevitable embarrassment of
“splashback”. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELETTE
A case of diarrhoea that creates series of loud splashes in the
toilet water. Often companied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

[Mick DMember]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’

‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’

[Anonymous]

Two blode’s walk into a bar, you’d think one of them would have noticed

What’s the difference between a prostitute and crack dealer? A prostitute can wipe her crack and re-sell it

[ChrisMember]

Jenny wanted to join a biker gang in a real bad way but never knew exactly how to go about it. So one day she decides to follow some local bikers to their top secret hide out. She calmly walks up to the door and knocks. A gruffy lookin’ guy sticks his head out and says, “whadda ya want?” Jenny tells him that she really wants to join their gang and the man says, “well, we never let any women in our gang before but before I say no, let me ask you a few questions.” She agrees quickly. “Okay, first do you smoke?” he asked her. She responds, “hell, I’ve been smokin’ since I was 12 years old, Marlboro reds.” He says that sounds good and asks another. “Do you drink?” She says, “Oh yeah, Jack Daniels…lots of times!” He likes that too and says “Do you cuss?” Jenny says, “Fu** yeah, all the time.” “Well,” he says “that all sounds good to me but lemme ask ya one last thing. Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?” Jenny responds, “Nope, but I’ve been swung around by my nipples a few times…….

[Mick DMember]

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said,’That
silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too’

And then the fight started…..
***************************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’ ‘Yes,’ I sighed, She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up
those many years a go, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’ ‘My God!’says my wife, ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?’

And then the fight started…..
***************************************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So,there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…. he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ‘I AM NOT HAPPY!!!’ So, I looked down at him and said,’Well, then which one are you?’

And then the fight started… .

****************************************************************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’ The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.

And then the fight started… .

[ChrisMember]

A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and points it to her own head.

The boyfriend yells “No, honey, don’t do it!.”

The blonde replies “Shut up, you’re next.”

[Author]

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