Jokes

[Dwayne OMember]

menace wrote:

Quote:

xy-transit wrote:

Quote:

A Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder
On Michael Jackson’s Death…

……. .. … … .. …..
.. . . … . . . . . .. . .. …. .. .. . … ..
… … … … … … … …. …… ….. .. … …. …… .. .
.. . . … …. . . . ..
… . …. …. …. ….. …
……. …. …. …. ….. ….. ….. .. . . …. ….
. .. .
. . .. . .. . …
…… … … … .. … ……. … .. ….. … … ….. ….
. .. .. .
.. ….
.. . . . . . .. .. … ..
.. …. … … … ……. …… …..
Deep stuff eh?
I nearly cried when he said “. … . . . .. .. … .. .. . . …. ….”

ummmm, please explain!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:laugh: Spidy, I thought ya would recognise “BRAIL”,,,
Specially when ya get BLIND most nights on the WALKER

[dennis da menaceMember]

yes eags, im quite agile in braile, but its not braile…….

its not even morse:P

its just f**ked up:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[drewMember]

i ride by braille.:silly:

i thought you wouldn’t need to use braille spidy!

just spin a web harness on tonka and away you go!:woohoo:

[TobyMember]

NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she
selected:
A Litre of milk,
A carton of eggs,
A Litre of orange juice,
A head of lettuce,
A can of coffee,
And one pack of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check
out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk
calmly stated, “You must be single.”
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She
looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual
about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said “Well, you know
what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”
The drunk replied, “‘Cause you’re ugly.”

[Mick DMember]

A little girl asks her mum, ‘Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around
the block?’
Her mum replies ‘No, because she is on heat.’
‘What does that mean?’ asked the child.
‘Go and ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.’

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, ‘Dad, can I take Lulu
for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the
heat, and to come ask you.’
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with
it to disguise the scent, and said ‘Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on
the leash and only go one time around the block.’

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the
leash..
Surprised, Dad asked, ‘Where’s Lulu?’

The little girl said, ‘She ran out of petrol about halfway round the
block, so another dog is pushing her home.’

[DeanMember]

URGENT WARNING!!!

I just received this and thought I’d better forward it straight away. I’m not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close call yesterday.

I walked into Bunning’s hardware at lunchtime, wandered down the timber aisle and some idiot dressed in a red shirt with a green apron on, asked me if I wanted decking. Fortunately, I got the first half dozen punches in and sorted the idiot out.

Those less suspecting might not be so lucky. Spread this warning on to all your friends.

[drewMember]

:cheer: :woohoo: :laugh: :woohoo: :laugh: :woohoo: :laugh: :woohoo:

nice one Ollie!

just read it to my folks.

they cracked up too!

[DeanMember]

A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence. so Satan walked up to the man and said,
“Do you know who I am?”
The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”
“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.
“Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man.
“Don’t you realize I can kill you with one word?” asked Satan.
“Don’t doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man, in an even tone.
“Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying, AGONY for All eternity?” persisted Satan.
“Yep,” was the calm reply.
“And you’re still not afraid?” asked Satan.
“Nope,” said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for 48 years.”

Ollie:laugh:

[GregMember]

Thats gold Ollie, pure gold

I was married to one of his daughters also :laugh:

TB

[MalMember]

A cowboy had just got married and found a nice hotel for him and the new bride for their wedding night. He approached the front desk and said “ we’re on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed” The clerk winked and said “you want the Bridal?” The cowboy thought for a moment and then replied “Nope i reckon not. I’ll just hold onto her ears till she get used to it”

[GlennMember]

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”
He replies, “Yes – caffeine.”

“Have you ever been in the military service?”
“Yes, 2 years he says …. I was in Iraq for two years.”

The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.”

Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”
The guy says, “Yes…an IED exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.”

The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Ok, you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00am to 4:00pm”

You can start tomorrow at 10:00am – and plan on starting at 10:00am every day.”

The guy is puzzled and says, “If the work hours are from 8:00am to 4:00pm.., why don’t you want me to be here until 10:00am?”

“This is a government job”, the interviewer says…. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in your coming in for that.”

[GPMember]

SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow’s
final exam.
‘Now listen to me, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury,
illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other
excuses whatsoever!’
A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
‘What would you happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete
and utter sexual exhaustion?’
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

*When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
shook her head and sweetly said, ‘Well, I suppose you’d have to write with
your other hand’.*

LMFAO :laugh:

[DeanMember]

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop w @nking.
When I asked why she said, “Because I’m trying to examine you!”

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I
mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding
behind a gravestone. I said “morning.”
He replied, “No, just having a crap.”

Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, “What’s up Abdul, won’t it start?”

:laugh: Ollie

[ChrisMember]

SECRETS OF A LONG MARRIAGE

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches
in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk
of the town.

People would say, “What a peaceful & loving couple”. The local newspaper
reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

The Husband replied: “Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America,” explained
the man. “We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip down
to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s
horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse
and quietly said, “That’s once.”

“We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my wife
quietly said, “That’s twice.” We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the horse
stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse
and shot the horse dead.

I SHOUTED at her, “What’s wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor
animal like that, are you *%&#@$ crazy?” She looked at ME, and quietly said,
“That’s once.”

And from that moment… We have lived happily ever after.?

[Scott SouthwellMember]

BBQ RULES
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine…
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert..
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill – beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine…
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

Important again:
( THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine…
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) EVERYONE PRAISES THE MAN AND THANKS HIM FOR HIS COOKING EFFORTS.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed “her night off”, and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women.

[Author]

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