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August 31, 2009 at 9:42 am #106507
A gay man goes to the Doctors and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back with devastating news “im sorry, you have aids.”
The gay man is distraught “doc what can I do?”
The Doctor says “eat 4 curry sausages, 1 head of cabbage, 12 jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts, half a box of grape nut cereal and a litre of prune juice.”
The gay man says “will that cure me?”
“No” says the Doc “but it will give you a better understanding of what your ass is for!
September 3, 2009 at 12:49 am #150641The following is an actual question given in a University of
Washington chemistry mid term exam.The answer by one student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared
it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now
have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once
a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the
different religions that exist in the world today.Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we
can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as
they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in
Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and
pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added.This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’
and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then
number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic
and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that
since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any
more souls and is therefore, extinct….. ..leaving only Heaven,
thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why,
last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
September 3, 2009 at 12:50 am #150985A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, ‘Are you going to the Gold Coast?’
‘Sure,’ answered the blonde, ‘do you need a lift ?’
‘Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I’ ll give you $100 for your trouble..’
‘I’d be happy too,’ said the blonde… So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. ‘What the heck are you doing here ?’ he demanded, ‘I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.’
‘Yes, I know you did,’ said the blonde,’ but we had money left over — so now we’re going to SeaWorldSeptember 3, 2009 at 9:43 pm #150986Hmmmmmmmm
September 7, 2009 at 9:39 am #106508Life is full of suprises…..
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband whispers to his wife, “Listen this guy’s an escaped convict – look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.” To which the wife responds, “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too.”
September 8, 2009 at 6:47 am #151358Since singer Susan Boyle has been on TV there’s been a marked drop in suicide bombings.
Apparently, a lot of the terrorists didn’t realise what a virgin looks like. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
ollie
September 8, 2009 at 6:53 am #106509A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3:00 in the
morning!”
He slams the door and returns to bed.
“Who was that?” asked his wife.
“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain
out there!”
“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t
you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him,
and you should be ashamed of yourself!”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” comes back the answer.
“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing,” replied the drunk.:woohoo:
September 8, 2009 at 9:22 am #151525That gave me my snort for the day,thanks Bollocks. :laugh:
September 8, 2009 at 9:23 am #151526BOLLOCKS wrote:
Quote:A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3:00 in the
morning!”
He slams the door and returns to bed.
“Who was that?” asked his wife.
“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain
out there!”
“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t
you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him,
and you should be ashamed of yourself!”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” comes back the answer.
“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing,” replied the drunk.:woohoo:
thats gold bollocks :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
September 8, 2009 at 9:54 am #106510PLEASURE :kiss:
September 10, 2009 at 6:45 am #151553Hello, is this the police?’
Yes it is. How can we help you?’
‘I’m calling to report my neighbour, Rangi. He’s hiding cocaine inside his firewood!’?
‘Thank you very much for the call.’
…
Early next morning, police officers descend on Rangi’s house in great numbers.
They search the house and then go out to the
shed where the firewood is kept.Using axes, they bust open every piece
of firewood but they find no cocaine.They swear at Rangi and leave.The phone rings at Rangi’s house.
‘Hey, Rangi, Did the cops come?’
‘Yeah!’
‘Did they chop up your firewood?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Happy Birthday bro!’ :laugh: :laugh:
Ollie
September 10, 2009 at 6:49 am #151992A man was riding his Harley beside a Sydney beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, The Lord said :
‘Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.’
The biker pulled over and said, ‘Build a bridge to New Zealand so I can ride over anytime I want.’
The Lord said; ‘Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.’
The biker thought hard about it for a long time. Finally, he said,
‘Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy’.
The Lord replied;
‘You want two lanes or four on that bridge? :laugh: :laugh:
Ollie
September 10, 2009 at 6:50 am #151995LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, ‘ Licence and registration, please.’
London Lawyer says, ‘What for?’
Glasgow cop says, ‘Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.’
London Lawyer says, ‘I slowed down, and no one was coming.’
Glasgow cop says, ‘Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.’
London Lawyer says, ‘What’s the difference?’
Glasgow c op says, ‘The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that’s the law, Licence and registration, please!’
London Lawyer says, ‘If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.’
Glasgow cop says, ‘Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.’
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the sh*t out of the lawyer and says ‘Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?’
Ollie :laugh:
September 11, 2009 at 7:35 pm #151996Paddy has broken his leg and his mate Mick goes round to see him.
Mick says ‘how you doin?’
Paddy says ‘ do us a favour, nip upstairs and get me slippers,me feet are freezing.’
Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy’s gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed .
He says ‘your dad’s sent me up here to shag the both of you ‘.
They say ‘get away with ya.. Prove it.’
Mick shouts downstairs ‘Paddy, both of em?’
Paddy shouts back ‘of course both of em, what’s the point of fuckin one?’
September 15, 2009 at 4:16 am #152244A hillbilly family from Wauchope took a vacation to Sydney. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, “What’s this, Paw?”
The father responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don’t know what it is!”
While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.
The father turned to his son and said, “Go get your maw!”
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