Jokes

[glennMember]

A Third grader asked her mother the age-old question,

‘How did I get here?’

Her mother told her, ‘God sent you.’

‘Did God send you, too?’ asked the child.

‘Yes, Dear,’ the mother replied.

‘What about Grandma and Grandpa?’ the child persisted

‘He sent them also,’ the mother said.

‘Did he send their parents, too?’ asked the child.

‘Yes, Dear, He did,’ said the mother patiently.

‘So you’re telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years?

No wonder everyone’s so grouchy around here!

[simon burkeMember]

hope you can read this :cheer:

[DeanMember]

Another beauty from Bollocks :laugh: :laugh: That cracked me up!!

cheers Boll

Ollie

[simon burkeMember]

Ollie wrote:

Quote:

Another beauty from Bollocks :laugh: :laugh: That cracked me up!!

cheers Boll

Ollie

anytime ollie you space invader freak!!!!!!! :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :laugh: :cheer: :silly: 😆 :blink:

[Eric SmithMember]

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, ‘How’s the singingcareer going?’
Stevie replies, ‘Not too bad. How’s the golf?’

Woods replies, ‘Not too bad, I’ve had some problems with my swing, but I think I’ve got that right, now.’

Stevie says, ‘I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.’

Tiger says, ‘You play GOLF?’

Stevie says, ‘Yes, I’ve been playing for years’.

Tiger says, ‘But — you’re blind! How can you play golf if you can’t see?’

Stevie Wonder replies, ‘Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.’

‘But, how do you putt?’ asks Tiger

‘Well’, says Stevie, ‘I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.’

Tiger asks, ‘What’s your handicap?’

Stevie says, ‘Well, actually — I’m a scratch golfer.’

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, ‘We’ve got to play a round sometime.’

Stevie replies, ‘Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. That a problem?’
Woods thinks about it and says, ‘ I can afford that, OK, I’m game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?’

Stevie Wonder says, ‘Pick a night’

[glennMember]

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

[Mick DMember]

In Memorium

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it
is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which
almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote “The
Hokey Pokey”, died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for
his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in.
And then the trouble started.

[glennMember]

Being Australian
is about driving in a German car
to an Irish pub
for A Belgian beer,
then on the way home, grabbing an Indian curry
or A Turkish kebab,
to sit on Swedish furniture and
watch American shows
on a Japanese TV.
Oh and….
Only in Australia …
can a pizza get to your house faster
than an ambulance.

Only in Australia …
do supermarkets make
sick people walk all the way
to the back of the shop
to get their prescriptions
while healthy people
can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Australia …
do people order double cheeseburgers,
large fries and
a DIET coke.

Only in Australia …
do banks leave both doors wide open
and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Australia …
do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars
in the driveway and
lock our junk and cheap lawn mower
in the garage.

[DeanMember]

The Story of Four Horse

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife’s name.

He replied, “She called Four Horse”.

The man said, “That’s an unusual name for your wife.

What does it mean?”

The Old Indian answered, “It old Indian Name. It mean,

NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!

[GarryMember]

Dear Mr Bill Gates,
We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.
1. There is a button ‘Start’ but there is no ‘Stop’ button. We request you to check this.
2. One doubt is whether any ‘Re-scooter’ is available in system? I find only ‘Re-cycle,’ but I own a scooter at my home.
3. There is ‘Find’ button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this ‘find’ button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.
4. My child learnt ‘Microsoft Word’ now he wants to learn ‘Microsoft sentence’, so when you will provide that?
5. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows ‘My Computer’: when you will provide the remaining items?
6. It is surprising that windows says ‘MY PICTURES’ but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.
7. There is ‘MICROSOFT OFFICE’ what about ‘MICROSOFT HOME’ since I use the PC at home only.
8. You provided ‘My Recent Documents.’ When you will provide ‘My Past Documents’?
9. You provide ‘My Network Places.’ For God sake please do not provide ‘My Secret Places.’ I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.
Regards
Udu Rawana
P.S.
Last one to Mr. Bill Gates: Sir, how is it that your name is GATES but you are selling WINDOWS?

Gaz

[GarryMember]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?”

He answers, “You see, it’s like this. Yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; because it’s soooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she!”

Gaz

[glennMember]

I just got been told the true reason for the horrific dust storm today.

Apparently the saint george football club have opened their trophey cabnet……

[Mick DMember]

The Australian Poetry Competition held in the Sydney Opera House had come down to two finalists;

A) The university graduate.
An old aboriginal.

They were given a word, and then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a short four line poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was ‘ TIMBUKTU ‘.

First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination – Timbuktu .

The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought.

The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited;

Me and Tim a huntin’ went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They were three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu .

The aboriginal won.

[GarryMember]

Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis after his girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.

Which is worse?
a) having your girlfriend find out you’re married, or
b) explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis, or
c) finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring

[Anonymous]

[Author]

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