Jokes

[simon burkeMember]

he he

[simon burkeMember]

ho ho

[simon burkeMember]

ha ha

[drewMember]

Little Johnny

The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American History. Who said ‘Give me Liberty , or give me Death’?”

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny, a bright Navajo Indian boy, who had his hand up: “Patrick Henry, 1775,” he said.

“Very good! Who said, “Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'”

Again, no response except from Little Johnny. “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”

The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed. Little Johnny knows more about history than you do.”

She heard a loud whisper: “Screw the Indians.”

“Who said that?” she demanded.

Little Johnny put his hand up. “General Custer, 1862.”

At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.”

The teacher glared around and asked, “All right!!! Now who said that?”

Again, Little Johnny said, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
1991.”

Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this!”

Little Johnny jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, “Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, “You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.”

Little Johnny frantically yells at the top of his voice, “Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him,
2004.”

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, “Oh shit, we’re screwed!”

Little Johnny said quietly, “The American people, November
4,

2008″

[FezMember]

Three men
– a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an

Aussie are all walking together one day..

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

‘I will give each of you one
wish, which is three wishes in total’, says the Genie..

The Canadian says, ‘I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever
fertile in Canada ‘

POOF!
With the blink of the Genie’s eye, the land in
Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, ‘I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Pakistan , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.’

POOF!
Again, with the blink of the Genie’s eye, there
was a huge wall around those countries.

The Aussie says, ‘I am very curious..

Please tell me more about this wall.’

The Genie explains, ‘Well, it’s about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out;

it’s virtually impenetrable.’

The Aussie sits down on his Harley , cracks a beer, lights a cigarette,smiles and
says,

‘Fill the f*cker with water.’

[Eric SmithMember]

Uncle Fester wrote:

Quote:

‘Fill the f*cker with water.’

Nice work!

[Eric SmithMember]

How I learned to mind my own business

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day.
The patients were shouting, ’13…13…13.’

The fence was too high to see over,
but I saw a small gap in the planks,
so I looked through to see what was going on.

Somebody poked me in the eye with a stick!
Then they all started shouting ’14…14…14. ‘

[simon burkeMember]

[b]I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.

I told them to F uck off!!

Anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving!![/b]

[Craig HattonMember]

A teacher in a Detroit, Michigan kindergarten class asked her students if they could tell the class what sound a pig makes.

Little Tyrone stood up and said:

“Up against the wall mother f@#$%r!”

I guess there are not too many farms in Detroit …..!

[DeanMember]

Not every flower can say love, but a rose can.

Not every plant survives thirst, but a cactus can.

Not every retard can read… But look at you having a go…

:laugh: :laugh:

Ollie

[glennMember]

Paddy and Mick

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy
missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy odered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he’d like a drink.

He replied in disgust ‘I’d rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch
my lips!’
Paddy handed his drink back & said ‘Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!’

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks ‘How many people
are flying with you?’

Paddy replies ‘I dont know! Its your f***ing plane!!’

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says ‘I wonder how the girls are getting on’

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses &
lies on the bed spreadeagled & says ‘You know what I want dont you?’

‘Yeah,’ says Paddy. ‘The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!’

Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?

A. black coat, white collar & you’ve got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing
the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

Paddy’s chat up lines:

1. Did ya fart? ‘Cos ya just blew me away!

2. Are your parents retarded? ‘Cos your special!

3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!

4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? ‘Cos I can see myself in them!

5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts tighten up!

6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!

Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbour’s dog is barking like mad in the
garden. Paddy says ‘To hell with this!’ & storms off..

He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks ‘What did you do?’

Paddy replies ‘Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!’

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
‘Be Jeysus!’ he said, ‘I didnt even know they had mobile phones!’

Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say ‘Crikey!
Theres a bloke here who was 152!’

Paddy says ‘Whats his name?’

Mick replies ‘Miles from London !’

An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past & stops.
He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts ‘Its thick twits like you that give us
Irish a bad name! I’d come over there & kick the f**k out of you if I could swim!’

Boony

:laugh:

[simon burkeMember]

Golfing Hit Man.

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of
their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,
‘Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn’t turn up.’
‘Sure,’ they said, ‘You’re welcome.’ So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,
‘What do you do for a living?’
‘I’m a hit man,’ was the reply.
‘You’re joking!’ was the response.
‘No, I’m not,’ he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out
a beautiful Martini sniper’s rifle with a large telescopic sight.. ‘Here are
my tools.’
‘That’s a beautiful telescopic sight,’ said the other friend, ‘Can I
take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.’
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the
direction of his house.
‘Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can
see right in the window.’
‘Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom.
Ha, I can see she’s naked!!
Wait a minute, that’s my neighbor in there with her……He’s naked too !!!
He turned to the hit man, ‘How much do you charge for a hit?’
‘I’ll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.’
‘Can you do two for me now?’
‘Sure, what do you want?’
‘First, shoot my wife she’s always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.’
‘Then the neighbor, he’s a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.’
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still
for a few minutes.
‘Are you going to do it or not?’ said the friend impatiently.
‘Just be patient,’ said the hit man calmly, ‘I think I can save you a grand here…..’

[PaulMember]

Blind guy

[drewMember]

that’s a crack up Wikd! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[glennMember]

FINALLY….THE BLONDE JOKE
TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little yellow V W bug and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde’s driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
“What does it look like”?’ she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it”.

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman.
“Here it is,” she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back
saying,

‘Okay, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.. ..’

politically incorrect but hey thats me..

Boony

[Author]

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