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October 3, 2009 at 1:22 pm #154929
A retired couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Tamworth .
Bert always wanted a pair of R.M. WILLIAMS boots, so, seeing some on sale,
He bought them and wore them home.Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
‘Notice anything different About me?’Margaret looked him over. ‘No Darl’
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for new R.M. Williams boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, ‘Notice anything different NOW?’
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, ‘Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today,
It was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow, ’cause its always that
wayFurious, Bert yelled, ‘AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET? DO YOU?’
‘No Darl’, she replied.
‘IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT ME NEW R.M. WILLIAMS BOOTS!!!!’
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, ‘Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.’
October 5, 2009 at 11:46 pm #106520Whats the difference between an arsonist and the St George Dragons????
An Arsonist wouldn’t waste 24 matches
October 6, 2009 at 3:25 am #155349One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it’s his daughter’s birthday.
He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, ‘How much for one of those Barbie’s in the display window?’
The salesperson answers, ‘Which one do you mean, sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95’.
The amazed father asks: ‘It’s what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?’
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: ‘Sir…, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken’s Car, Ken’s House, Ken’s Boat, Ken’s Furniture, Ken’s Computer, one of Ken’s Friends, and a key chain made with Ken’s balls.
October 6, 2009 at 4:29 am #155356TRUE AUSSIE BLOKES LOVE THEIR “GRAND FINAL FOOTBALL”
It’s the “AUSTRALIAN FOOTBALL LEAGUE” Grand Final and a man makes his way to his seat right on the Wing.
He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.
“No,” says the neighbour. “The seat is empty”
“This is incredible”, said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for AUSTRALIAN FOOTBALL LEAGUE Grand final and not use it?”
The neighbour says “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first AFL Grand Final we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.”
“Oh … I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?”
The man shakes his head “No, they’re all at the funeral.”
October 6, 2009 at 11:16 am #106521Class Trip
A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men’s room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their ‘wee-wees’ to direct the flow away from their clothes . As she lifted one, she couldn’t help but notice that he was
unusually well endowed.Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, ‘You must be in the 5th grade.’
‘No, ma’am’, he replied. ‘I’m riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race,
but I appreciate your help.’October 9, 2009 at 10:55 am #155479A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. ‘Human Beings are the only animals that stutter’, she says.
A little girl raises her hand. ‘I had a kitty-cat who stuttered’, she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. ‘Well’, she began, ‘I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweilerr that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!’
That must have been scary’, said the teacher.
‘It sure was’, said the little girl. ‘My kitty raised his back, went Ffff ‘Fffff, Fffff, Fffff’…And before he could say ‘Fuck’, the Rottweiler ate him!’The teacher wet her pants laughing…
October 9, 2009 at 10:59 am #155803I read somewhere the effect that alchol has on my body,scared the shit out of me, so i decided thats it, no more fucking reading for me..
Boony
October 11, 2009 at 9:31 pm #155805THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Have you ever wondered if the ten dollar bill in your wallet were ever in a stripper’s butt crack?
If not, you’re wondering now. Have a nice day…
October 12, 2009 at 11:08 pm #156050Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say
“Congratulations.”
But none of them rub your dick and say“Well done”
:angry:ollie :laugh:
October 13, 2009 at 12:00 am #156191A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, “Hang on! You’re a duck.”
“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.
“And you can talk!” exclaims the barman.
“I see your ears are working, too,” says the duck. “Now if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?”
“Certainly, sorry about that,” says the barman as he pulls the duck’s pint. “It’s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?”
“I’m working on the building site across the road,” explains the duck. “I’m a plasterer.”
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, “You’re with the circus, aren’t you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus; he talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!”
“Sounds marvellous,” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. “Get him to give me a call.”
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, “Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.”
“I’m always looking for the next job,” says the duck. “Where is it?”
“At the circus,” says the barman.
“The circus?” repeats the duck.
“That’s right,” replies the barman.
“The circus?” the duck asks again. “That place with the big tent?”
“Yeah,” the barman replies.
“With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?” says the duck.
“Of course,” the barman replies.
“And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?” persists the duck.
“That’s right!” says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says…
.
.
.
.“What the f**k would they want with a plasterer??!”
October 13, 2009 at 6:27 am #106522I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.
I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
October 14, 2009 at 5:06 am #156278Dear Mom & Dad,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam’s mother and tell her he is okay. He can’t write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn’t been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn’t hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?
The wet wood didn’t burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn’t his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that’s probably why he can’t get insurance.
We think it’s a neat bus. He doesn’t care if we get it dirty and if it’s hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway police man stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don’t worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn’t any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn’t let me because I can’t swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, it’s concrete because we didn’t have any plaster, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Keith isn’t crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn’t even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I’m so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters &buy some more beer and ammo. Don’t worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it’s my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster’s tent.
Love, Jimmie
October 14, 2009 at 5:51 am #156392:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
thats just wrong boony and it gets worse-er as you read it :laugh: :laugh:
October 15, 2009 at 7:20 am #156399October 15, 2009 at 7:33 am #156676thats a pissa TB :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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