Jokes

[glennMember]

A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye.

He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, “How much do you charge?”

The Hooker replies, “It starts at $500 for a hand-job.”

The guy says, “$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!”

The hooker says, “Do you see that Denny’s on the corner?”

“Yes.”

“Do you see the Denny’s about a block further down?”

“Yes.”

“And beyond that, do you see that third Denny’s?”

“Yes.”

“Well,” says the hooker, smiling invitingly, “I own those. And I own them because I give a hand-job that’s worth $500.”

So the guy says, “What the hell? You only live once. I’ll give it a try.”

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.

He is so amazed, he says, “I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?”

The hooker replies, “$1,500.”

“I wouldn’t pay that for a blow-job!”

The hooker replies, “Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that’s worth every cent of $1,500.”

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says, “Sign me up.”

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.

He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money’s worth.

He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.

He asks the hooker, “How much for some pussy?”

The hooker says, “Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.

Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us: All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?

“Damn!” the guy says, in awe, “You own the whole city?”

No,” the hooker replies, “but I would… if I had a pussy.”

[GregMember]

The students in todays course showed me this before class started, thought it worth sharing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bK54dr1XQcQ

TB

[ChrisMember]

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son’s house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

‘What are you doing?’ she asked.

‘I’m waiting for Justin to come home from work.’ The daughter-in-law answered.

‘ But you’re naked!’ the mother-in-law exclaimed.

‘This is my love dress,’ the daughter-in-law explained.

‘Love dress? But you’re naked!’

‘Justin loves me to wear this dress,’ she explained.

‘Every time he sees me in this
dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.’

The mother-in-law left.. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay
on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

‘ What are you doing?’ he asked.

‘This is my love dress,’ she whispered,
sensually.

‘Needs ironing,’ he said, ‘What’s for dinner?’

[glennMember]

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney
some Months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point,
when Confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was canceled after Virgin’s 767s had been
Withdrawn from service. A single attendant was rebooking a long line of
Inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to
the desk. He slapped His ticket down on the counter and said, ‘I HAVE
to be on this flight and It HAS to be FIRST CLASS’…
The attendant replied, ‘I’m sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help
You, but I’ve got to help these people first, and I’m sure we’ll be Able
to work something out.’
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
Behind him could hear,

‘DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?’
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public
Address microphone: ‘May I have your attention please, may I have your
Attention please,’ she began – her voice heard clearly throughout the
terminal.
‘We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If
anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.’

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, The man
glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, ‘F… You!’
Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit) ‘I’m sorry,
sir, but you’ll have to get in line for that too.

[simon burkeMember]

a poofter walked into a gay bar….aww…nevermind.
You were probably there and sold the whole thing!!!! :woohoo:

[simon burkeMember]

saw…not sold…sheesh :blush:

boom boom

[damien turnourMember]

I’ve got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Pak N Save and was standing in line at the check-out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I’d ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food.
I told her no, it was because I’d been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid bitch…why else would I buy dog food??

[drewMember]

the pop singers are back stage at the MTV awards.

one of them Farts,

Shaggy said “It wasn’t me”.

Craig David said “I’m walking away”.

Britney Spears said “Oops i did it again”.

[dennis da menaceMember]

xy-transit wrote:

Quote:

the pop singers are back stage at the MTV awards.

one of them Farts,

Shaggy said “It wasn’t me”.

Craig David said “I’m walking away”.

Britney Spears said “Oops i did it again”.

Drew, im now convinced your brain works at full opposite lock…

you must be at full right lock and i am at full left lock…..

and no matter what the lock, its a wicked place to be :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[DeanMember]

An Indian, an Arab, and a hot gorgeous blonde girl are in the same bar.

When the Indian finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air,
pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, ‘In India , our glasses are so cheap we don’t need to drink with the same one twice.’

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air,
pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, ‘In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don’t need to
drink with the same one twice either.’

The blonde girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, Downs it in one gulp,
throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Indian and the Arab.
Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,

‘In Australia we have so many illegal immigrants that we don’t have to drink with the same ones twice.’

‘ God Bless Australia ‘

[DeanMember]

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

‘Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.’

The dog said: ‘That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?’

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

‘Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.’

The monkey said: ‘Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?’

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

‘You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.’

The cow said: ‘That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?’

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

‘Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.’

But man said: ‘Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?’

‘Okay,’ said God, ‘You asked for it.’

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I’m doing it as a public service

Ollie :laugh:

[drewMember]

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get
a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be
hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the
governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, “What time of
night do you call this? Where have you been?” and on and on, she went.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and
poured himself a very large whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the
bathtub, pursued by her predictable, sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered and was
told that her husband’s client had been granted his stay of execution after
all.

Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went
upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, the sight of her husband’s rear view
greeted her as he bent over naked drying his legs and feet.

“They’re not hanging Wright tonight,” she said.

The attorney whirled around and screamed hysterically, “For crying out loud,
Woman! Don’t you ever stop?”

[drewMember]

Bumper stickers for Seniors

[Mick DMember]

This is certainly topical today.

[simon burkeMember]

The Maori and the Gay man.

At the end of a tiny, deserted bar is a huge Maori 2 metres tall and 150 kilos. He’s having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obvious faggot walks in and sits beside him.

After three or four beers the pillow-biter finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Maori.

Leaning over towards the Maori he whispers, ‘Do you want a blow-job?’

At this the massive Maori leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the sword-swallower in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving the little dung puncher bruised and battered in the car park, and returned to his seat at the bar.

Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer. ‘I’ve
never seen you react like that’, he says,’ Just what did he say to you?’

‘I’m not sure’, the Maori replies, “Something about a job…”

[Author]

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