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October 27, 2009 at 11:22 pm #106531
October 29, 2009 at 7:37 pm #158352Gordon the Chicken
Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called ‘pullets’ and eight or ten roosters, to fertilise the pullets’ eggs.
Trevor kept records and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer’s favourite rooster was Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was too, but on this particular morning Trevor noticed Gordon’s bell hadn’t rung at all! Trevor went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover but to farmer Trevor’s amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Trevor was so proud of Gordon, he entered him into the London Exhibition and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The Result?
The judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attentionOctober 29, 2009 at 8:29 pm #158621Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman.
She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.
I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.
Apparently I’m not welcome back at Kentucky Fried Chicken.
October 29, 2009 at 10:06 pm #158625Official Old Bull Eye test
Look at the picture VERY CAREFULLY
Have you noticed the girl in the background?
Noticed her nice bum?
Well look at the picture carefully!
if your answer is YES then go and see an OPTOMETRIST!!!
What you see is the shoulder of the girl taking the picture!!!
October 29, 2009 at 10:09 pm #158629micknmeld wrote:
Quote:Official Old Bull Eye testLook at the picture VERY CAREFULLY
Have you noticed the girl in the background?
Noticed her nice bum?
Well look at the picture carefully!
if your answer is YES then go and see an OPTOMETRIST!!!
What you see is the shoulder of the girl taking the picture!!!
n1 Mick…i failed….quite happyly
October 29, 2009 at 11:52 pm #158630Yeah you ruined it for me too!
October 30, 2009 at 12:55 am #158635all I can see is a Bum :laugh:
Ollie
October 30, 2009 at 4:51 am #158645A Drunk man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol whereupon he asks the drunk
‘Are you ready to find Jesus?’
The drunk shouts ‘Yes I am!’
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk
‘Brother have you found Jesus?’
The drunk replies ‘No I haven’t found Jesus.’
The preacher shocked at the answer dunks him into the water again for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again ‘Have you found Jesus my brother?’
The drunk again answers ‘No I haven’t found Jesus!’
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again — but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk ‘For the love of God have you found Jesus?The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher ‘Are you sure this is where he fell in?’
October 30, 2009 at 5:49 am #158678A young lady came home from a date rather sad. She told her mother, “He proposed to me an hour ago.”
“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
“Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mum, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell!”
Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”Ollie :laugh:
October 30, 2009 at 5:53 am #158682Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Women
* Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2000 miles.
* Motorcycles’ curves never sag.
* Motorcycles last longer.
* Motorcycles don’t get pregnant.
* You can ride a Motorcycles any time of the month.
* Motorcycles don’t have parents.
* Motorcycles don’t whine unless something is really wrong.
* You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
* You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
* If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
* You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is really worn.
* If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
* Motorcycles don’t care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
* When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
* Motorcycles don’t care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
* Motorcycles don’t mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.
* New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don’t want to pay for them, you don’t get them.
* If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
* If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
* If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
* If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don’t have to discuss politics to correct it.
* You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle.
* You don’t have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.
* You don’t have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle.
* You don’t have to convince your Motorcycle that you’re a motorcyclist and that you think that Motorcycles are equals.
* If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don’t have to apologize before you can ride it again.
* You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won’t get sore.
* Your parents don’t remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.
* Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
* Motorcycles don’t insult you if you are a bad rider.
* Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.
* Motorcycles don’t care if you are late.
* You don’t have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
* It’s always ok to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.
* If your Motorcycle doesn’t look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
* You can’t get diseases from a Motorcycle you don’t know very well.
Ollie :laugh: :laugh:
October 30, 2009 at 5:56 am #158683A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!”
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?”
“No, miss, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”
October 30, 2009 at 10:18 am #158684
AnonymousWhat would bloody Ollie know about women??
Ollie wrote:
Quote:Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Women* Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2000 miles
2000 miles=4000+km??? No wonder your shitters blow clutches and gearboxes* Motorcycles’ curves never sag.
Ever seen one with your fat arse on one??They sag alright!* Motorcycles last longer.
Not if some prick knocks it off* Motorcycles don’t get pregnant.
Have to give you that one. How you found out is another question?* You can ride a Motorcycles any time of the month.
You cant ride a motorbike anytime of the month* Motorcycles don’t have parents.
OK maybe so, but 1 out of 5 reasons isn’t looking good* Motorcycles don’t whine unless something is really wrong
I have followed you and there is a big whine from your bike from carrying your fat arse
* You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
You couldn’t kick a cat with your short little legs* You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
None of your mates would want to ride the Spanish piece of shit* If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
Why dont you?? It might quieten down some of the whining it does.* You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is really worn.
Sounds like Motos bike* If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
A stinking 2 stroke will always smoke
* Motorcycles don’t care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
Why would they?? They are just happy to have you riding something else and have a break from you fat arse* Motorcycles don’t care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
That is obvious* Motorcycles don’t mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.
As long as you aren’t near them I am sure they are happy* If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
Not by you. MR leave the foil on the patch
* If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
Never be to loose for you to ride,big fella* If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
I bet you’ve had plenty of shocks on a motorbike* If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don’t have to discuss politics to correct it.
It would know more about politics than you* You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle.
And…your point is…..??* You don’t have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.
You’d be pretty used to some other guy working on your bike wouldn’t you??
* You don’t have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle.
Is that busted arse Gasser registered???* You don’t have to convince your Motorcycle that you’re a motorcyclist and that you think that Motorcycles are equals.
AS if you are equal to the average rider,you’ve got nothin!!* You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won’t get sore.
Well why the tape on the nipples,gaylord??* Your parents don’t remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.
Your parents wouldn’t even keep in touch with you,would they??* Motorcycles don’t insult you if you are a bad rider.
Lucky for you* If your Motorcycle doesn’t look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
That still wouldn’t help* You can’t get diseases from a Motorcycle you don’t know very well.
Yeah, but you can still go blind from wankin to muchOllie :laugh: :laugh:
So that shows you know sweet fuck all about women Ollie.
October 30, 2009 at 10:30 am #158726Squirrel you are a funny little prick arnt you and I do mean little Prick. I know enough about women to get me into trouble,
That was thought out quite well must have taken you ages furball,cant wait to see your mamma on the track,so I can dump the clutch on her head and turn her into blood and bone fertiliser :laugh:
later acorn breath :laugh:
Ollie
October 31, 2009 at 8:37 am #106532What kind of Bees do you get milk from?
Boob Bees
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
October 31, 2009 at 10:17 pm #158852The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director, “How do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?”“Well,” said the director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”
“No.” said the director, “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”
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