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November 3, 2009 at 7:50 pm #158885
The Knob
A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a
new procedure called ‘The Knob,’ where a small
knob is placed at the top of the woman’s head and
could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the
effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman
wanted ‘The Knob.’Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob,
and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young
looking and vibrant.After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with
two problems.‘All these years, everything has been working just
fine. I’ve had to turn the knob many times and
I’ve always loved the results. But now I’ve
developed two annoying problems: First, I have these
terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won’t get rid
of them.’The doctor looked at her closely and said, ‘Those
aren’t bags, those are your breasts.’She said, ‘Well, I guess there’s no point in
asking about the goatee.’Boony
November 4, 2009 at 11:03 pm #159417
AnonymousJim and his buddies were hanging out and planning a 5-day golf trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn’t go because his wife wouldn’t let him.
After a lot of teasing and name calling, Jim headed home totally frustrated. The following week when Jim’s buddies arrived at the golf resort, they were shocked to see Jim sitting in the lobby, drinking a beer, holding his putter!
“How did you talk your wife into letting you go, Jim?”
“I didn’t have to,” Jim replied. “Last I night I slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then, my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, ‘Surprise!’ When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and said, ‘Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed, and you can do whatever you want’……SO HERE I AM!”
November 4, 2009 at 11:05 pm #106533Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk guy led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.
‘What’s that big brass gong for?’ one of the friends asked.
‘Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock’ he drunkenly replied.
‘A talking Australian clock – seriously?’‘Yup.’ ‘Hmmm (hic).’
‘How’s it work?’ the second friend asked, squinting at it.
‘Just watch’ he said.
He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an ‘ear-shattering bash’ and stepped back.
His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.
Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,
‘For f*#k’s sake, you stupid pri*#. It’s ten past three in the f*#king morning!!!’
November 5, 2009 at 2:13 am #106534Rural Australian Computer Terminology
LOG ON: Adding wood to make the Barbie hotter.
LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the Barbie.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the Barbie.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute.
HARD DRIVE: Making a trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys.
WINDOW: What you shut when the weather’s cold.
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE: What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.
CHIP: A bar snack.
MICROCHIP: What’s left in the bag after you’ve eaten the chips.
MODEM: What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.
HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks – from K-Mart.
MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.
WEB: What spiders make.
WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won’t go.
CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won’t go.
YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go.
UPGRADE: A steep hill.SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the lunch.
MAIL SERVER: The bloke who puts letters in your mail box.
USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
NETWORK: What you do to repair the fishing net.
INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.
NETSCAPE: What fish do when they find the hole in the net.
ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.
OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs
aren’t strong enough.November 5, 2009 at 11:23 am #106535After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man: ‘Ray, you appear to be in good health.
Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?’
‘In fact, I do.’ said the Ray. “After I have sex, I am usually cold and chilly;
and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.”After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: ‘Linda, everything appears to be fine.
Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?’
Linda replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to> her: ‘Your husband had an unusual concern..
Ray claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?’
“Oh, that crazy old bastard” she replied.
‘That’s because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August.
November 6, 2009 at 12:31 am #159686Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them. :laugh:
November 6, 2009 at 3:43 am #106536:laugh:
November 6, 2009 at 3:44 am #106537:cheer:
November 9, 2009 at 11:31 am #106538A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00…
on one condition…”
Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man’s hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said….
“Clean my house.”
November 10, 2009 at 12:52 am #160158Hotel Related Incident
A man checks into a hotel in Auckland while on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you’re calling for a cab.
He popped into a phone booth in Albert Street near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs…… well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.
When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.
‘Hello,’ the woman says.
God, she sounded sexy.
‘Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I’d like you to come to my room
and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town
all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot,
and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips,
everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in
chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that
sound?’She says, ‘That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 1 for an outside line.’
It took three hours for him to get the courage to Checkout next morning.
November 10, 2009 at 2:27 am #106539Soiled Bed Sheets!
An extremely modest man was in the hospital
for a series of tests, the last of which had left
his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the
bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He
suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability
to remain rational.In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed
sheets and threw them out of the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the
sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing,
and swinging his arms violently trying to get the
unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled
sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets,
a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had
watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, ‘What the heck is going on
here?’The drunk, still staring down at the bed sheets in amazement, replied: ‘I
think I just beat the shit out of a ghost.’November 10, 2009 at 7:39 pm #160240Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide
that she’ll become a hooker.She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of
that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you’ve got
a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s out there five minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”She says, “A hundred dollars”. He says “Sh*t. All I’ve got is
thirty”. She says, “Hold on.”She runs back to Harry and says,” What can he get for thirty dollars?”
Harry says, “A hand job”.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a
Hand job.He says “okay”, she gets in the car; he unzips his pants, and out pops
a simply HUGE male unit. She stares at it for a minute, and
then says, “I’ll be right back.”She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, “Harry, can
you lend this guy seventy bucks?”November 10, 2009 at 9:22 pm #160377An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems….
‘Dactor, it’s me ahrse.I’d like ya ta teyk a look, if ya woot’.
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
‘Incredible’, he says, ‘there is a £20 note lodged up here.’
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man’s bottom, and then a £10 note appears.
‘This is amazing!’ exclaims the Doctor. ”What do you want me to do?’
‘Well fur gadness sake teyk it out, man!’ shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc…..
Finally the last bill comes out and no more appear.
‘Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat’s moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?’
The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says ‘£1,990 exactly.’
‘Ah, dat’d be roit,” says the Irishman(Wait for it…………scroll down.)
‘I knew I wasn’t feeling two grand.’
:laugh: :laugh:
Ollie
November 10, 2009 at 10:37 pm #160389Once upon a time there was a yellow toad who live in the woods. One day he spotted the Fairy Godmother heading through the forest so he approached her and said,
“Oh Fairy Godmother can you grant me one wish please” ? She said “Yes Yellow Toad what can I do for you” ?
The Toad replied ” I’m sick of being Yellow I want to be like all the other Toads in the Forrest , Grey or Green”
“Oh Ok” said the Fair God Mother and with that She waved her wand and spoke the words “Abracadabra” and the Toad changed from a Yellow color to a Grey/Green color like all the other toads in the Forrest. The Toad was so Happy but there was something amiss. The Toad asked the Fair Godmother, “Fairy Godmother you have done a wonderful job except you have left me with a yellow penis!” The Fair Go Mother replied, “Sorry Toad I DON’T do peckers, you will have to live with it.” The Toad was annoyed and asked, begged her to change his thingy to the same color as the rest of his body , but the Fair God Mother refused and suggested that he go see the Wizard of Oz who could help him and his problem.
With this the Toad got directions to the Wizard of Oz’s place and off he went. The Fair God Mother went about her business when out of the Forrest came a BIG Purple Grizzly Bear.
The Grizzly Bear went up the the Fair Godmother and asked Her if she could do him a great deed. She said “Ok what would you like Big Purple Grizzly Bear?” The Bear said “I’m sick of being Purple I want to be like the Other Grizzly Bears Big and Brown”. With this request the Fair God Mother said “Ok” and with a wave of her wand and the words “Abracadabra” The Big Purple Grizzly Bear changed Color to an magnificent Brown color. The Bear was so Happy with this, but something was terribly wrong , The Bear said to the Fairy God Mother “I have a wonderful Brown coat now but you missed one spot, I STILL have a Purple Doodle! Can you please change if to match my coat of brown Fair Godmother?” The Fairy Godmother replied , “No sorry about that but I don’t do doodles, You’ll have to go and see the Wizard of Oz for that request” she said. The Bear then asked “And where do I find the Wizard of Oz” ?
The Fairy God Mother replied , “Oh that’s easy,You just follow the Yellow Dick Toad”!!Ollie :laugh:
November 11, 2009 at 1:45 am #106540An Asian woman goes in to her local ANZ Branch and begins exchanging her money.
After the transaction is complete she asks the teller ‘Why it change, yesterday I get two hunat dollar for my money, today I only get hunat eighty?’
The teller looked over his glasses and says very slowly….’fluctuations’.
The Asian woman narrows her eyes and says, ‘fluck you Aussies
Hatto
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