Jokes

This topic contains 487 replies, has 0 voices, and was last updated by  Adrian Snowden 9 years ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 556 through 570 (of 1,694 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #160449

    Greg
    Member

    Hatto wrote:

    Quote:
    An Asian woman goes in to her local ANZ Branch and begins exchanging her money.

    After the transaction is complete she asks the teller ‘Why it change, yesterday I get two hunat dollar for my money, today I only get hunat eighty?’

    The teller looked over his glasses and says very slowly….’fluctuations’.

    The Asian woman narrows her eyes and says, ‘fluck you Aussies

    Hatto

    That made me snort :laugh:

    TB

    #160450

    Paul
    Member

    A crusty Old Bull out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a
    tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

    As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

    COLD BEER: $2.00

    HAMBURGER: $2.25

    CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

    CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50

    HAND JOB: $50.00

    Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole’ biker
    walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female
    bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

    She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

    “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, “may I help you?”

    The ole biker leans over the bar, “I was wondering young lady,” he
    whispers, “are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?”

    She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs “Why yes, yes, I
    sure am”.

    The ole’ biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, “Well,
    wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger”.

    #160577

    Mick D
    Member

    Not exactly a joke in the true sense of the word.

    But an absolute JOKE non the less. :angry:

    If you cross the *North Korean* border illegally, you get 12 years hard
    Labour.

    If you cross the *Iranian* border illegally, you are detained
    Indefinitely.

    If you cross the *Afghan* border illegally, you get shot.

    If you cross the *Saudi Arabian* border illegally, you will be jailed.

    If you cross the* Chinese* border illegally, you may never be heard from
    Again.

    If you cross the *Venezuelan *border illegally, you will be branded a
    Spy and your fate will be sealed.

    If you cross the *Cuban* border illegally, you will be thrown into
    Political prison to rot.

    *However, if you cross the AUSTRALIAN border illegally, you get a job, a
    Driver’s’ licence, a social security card, welfare benefits, food stamps,
    Credit cards, subsidized rent or a loan to buy a new house, free
    Education, free health care, a lobbyist in Canberra and, in many
    Instances, you can VOTE.*

    :angry:

    #106541

    drew
    Member

    here’s another Mick.

    Subject: Allowances – VIP

    This was set up by the last John Howard Government.
    And we all here about Illegal Immigrants/ Refugees,so is this why they see us as soft target.

    Are you aware of the following?

    The Australian Federal Government provides the following financial assistance:-

    BENEFIT

    AUSTRALIAN AGED PENSIONER
    Weekly allowance $253.00
    Weekly Spouse allowance $56.00
    Additional weekly hardship allowance $0.00
    TOTAL YEARLY BENEFIT $16,068.00

    ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS/REFUGEES LIVING IN AUSTRALIA

    Weekly allowance $472.50

    Weekly Spouse allowance $472.50

    Additional weekly hardship allowance $145.00

    TOTAL YEARLY BENEFIT $56,680.00

    If I was a refugee, why would I look for work?

    Please forward to all your contacts so that we can lobby for an increase in the aged pension.

    After all, the average pensioner has paid taxes and contributed to the growth of this country for the last 40 to 60 years.

    #161280

    Dean
    Member

    Fact of Life:

    After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F.

    Ollie

    #161721

    glenn
    Member

    I just bought a race horse.

    I called it,

    MY FACE

    I dont care if it doesnt win a race or even if it doesnt earn me any money,
    i just want to hear all the cute dolled up babes at flemington pissed as nits yelling out,

    Come on my face :woohoo:

    #106542

    Dwayne O
    Member

    THE

    SQUIRREL

    IS

    DEAD

    #161834

    Mick D
    Member

    SALAD DODGER
    An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

    *SWAMP-DONKEY
    A deeply unattractive person.

    * TESTICULATING
    Waving your arms around and talking

    * BLAMESTORMING
    Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a Project failed, and who was responsible.

    * SEAGULL MANAGER
    A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits on you and everything else, and Then leaves.

    * ASSMOSIS
    The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

    * SALMON DAY
    The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

    * CUBE FARM
    An office filled with cubicles.

    * PRAIRIE DOGGING
    When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

    * SITCOMs
    Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a “home business”.

    * SINBAD
    Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

    * AEROPLANE BLONDE
    One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a ‘black box’.

    * PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE
    The fine art of whacking the shit out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

    * ADMINISPHERE
    The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the “adminisphere” are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded “administrivia” – needless paperwork and processes.

    * GOING FOR A McSH!T
    Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you’re just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you’ll buy their food afterwards is known as a McSh!t with Lies.

    * 404
    Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message “404 Not Found” meaning that the requested document could not be located.

    * AUSSIE KISS
    Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

    * OH – NO SECOND
    That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just Made a BIG mistake (e.g. you’ve hit ‘reply all’).

    * GREYHOUND
    A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

    * JOHNNY-NO-STARS
    A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The ‘no-stars’ comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

    * MILLENNIUM DOMES
    The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from The outside, but there’s actually naught in there worth seeing.

    * MONKEY BATH
    A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: “Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!”.

    * MYSTERY BUS
    The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you’re in the Toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

    * MYSTERY TAXI
    The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

    * BEER COAT
    The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise At 3:00am.

    * BEER COMPASS
    The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you’re too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you’ve come from.

    * BREAKING THE SEAL
    Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

    * TART FUEL
    Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

    * PICASSO BUM
    A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she’s Got 4 buttocks.

    #106543

    drew
    Member

    i’m usually the last one to correct a fellow bull. but you left one word out Mick ;)

    * TESTICULATING
    Waving your arms around and talking >>>Bolloks

    B)
    .

    :laugh: :woohoo: 😆 :cheer:
    .

    #162027

    simon burke
    Member

    xy-transit wrote:

    Quote:
    i’m usually the last one to correct a fellow bull. but you left one word out Mick ;)

    * TESTICULATING
    Waving your arms around and talking >>>Bolloks

    B)
    .

    :laugh: :woohoo: 😆 :cheer:
    .

    :angry: oi !!!!!! :angry:

    #162039

    drew
    Member

    xBOLLOCKS wrote:

    Quote:
    xy-transit wrote:

    Quote:
    i’m usually the last one to correct a fellow bull. but you left one word out Mick ;)

    * TESTICULATING
    Waving your arms around and talking >>>Bolloks

    B)
    .

    :laugh: :woohoo: 😆 :cheer:
    .

    :angry: oi !!!!!! :angry:

    :P :P :P :P :P .

    yeah bol. what?

    :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :blink: :silly: :silly:
    .

    #162043

    glenn
    Member

    i was at the ATM the other day and this old dude walks up to me gives me his efpos card and says ,,,mate can you please check my balance ,,,,so I pushed him over..
    :laugh:

    #106544

    drew
    Member

    what did the blonde say when she opened the box of cheerios?

    Ohhhh look doughnut seeds

    #162425

    glenn
    Member

    thats worse than mine xy :( :laugh:

    #162427

    drew
    Member

    Boony wrote:

    Quote:
    thats worse than mine xy :( :laugh:

    yeah. but did it make you laugh?

    if so, mission accomplished ;)

    . :laugh: :laugh:

Viewing 15 posts - 556 through 570 (of 1,694 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic.