Jokes

[Mick DMember]

[glennMember]

Something for all of us I suppose????????

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer’s new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend’s life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer’s bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals..

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle…

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)

‘When You’re Hung Like A Horse, You Don’t Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks

:woohoo:
:woohoo:

[drewMember]

I finally got around to going fishing this mornin’ – but after a while, I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a King Brown with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good Barramundi bait.

Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten – I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp! I released him without incident and carried on with my fishing, using the frog as bait.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that damn snake with two frogs in his mouth!

. :woohoo:

[glennMember]

why men shouldn’t write advice columns!

Dear John

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV.

My car started stalling and then it broke down about a mile down the road and I had to walk back to get my husband’s help. When I got home, I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour’s daughter!

I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour’s daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. He won’t go to counselling and I’m afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sandra

---

Dear Sandra:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.

Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

John

[glennMember]

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for
several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. She sat by him.

He whispered, eyes full of tears, ‘You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side . . .

You know what?’

‘What dear?’ She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

‘I think you’re bad luck, fuck off!’

[DeanMember]

Confessions of a hooker:

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says ‘Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession.

Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years.

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife’s eyes and says, ‘My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?’

She said ‘I don’t think you understand, my name was Brian and I played rugby for New Zealand. . ….

Ollie :laugh:

[DeanMember]

The priest in a small village loved the rooster
>
>
> He kept in the hen house behind the church.
>
>
> One Sunday morning, before mass,
> He went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.
>
>
>
>
> He knew about cock fights in the village,
> So he questioned his parishioners in church.
>
> During mass, he asked the congregation,
>
>
>
>
> ‘Has anybody got a cock?’
>
>
>
>
> All the men stood up.
>
>
>
> ‘No, no,’
> He said,
> ‘that wasn’t what I meant.
> Has anybody seen a cock?’
>
>
>
> All the women stood up.
>
>
> ‘No, no,’
> He said,
> ‘that wasn’t what I meant.
> Has anybody seen a cock that doesn’t belong to them?’
>
>
> Half the women stood up.
>
>
> ‘No, no,’
> He said,
> ‘that wasn’t what I meant.
>
> Has anybody seen
> MY
> Cock?’
>
> Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

Ollie :laugh:

[DeanMember]

At his meeting with Queen Elizabeth recently, Kevin Rudd turned to the Queen and said: “As I’m the Prime Minister, I’m thinking of changing how my great country is referred to, and I’m thinking that it should be a Kingdom.”

The Queen replied, “I’m sorry Mr Rudd, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge – and you’re not a King.”

Kevin Rudd thought a while and then said: “How about a Principality then?”

To which the Queen replied, “Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince – and you’re not a Prince, Mr. Rudd.”

Rudd thought long and hard and came up with “How about an Empire then?”

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied : “Sorry again, Mr Rudd, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge – and you are not an Emperor.”

Before Rudd could utter another word, The Queen said: “I think you’re doing quite nicely as a Country.”

So True!!

ollie :laugh:

[DeanMember]

This is is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year

old is.

They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather

the building materials for his home.

She read. ‘And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow

full of straw and said: ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that

straw to build my house?’

The teacher paused then asked the class: ‘And what do you think

the man said?’

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly…

‘I think the man would have said – ‘Well, I’ll be fucked!! A talking

pig!’

The teacher had to leave the room.

Ollie

:lau :laugh: gh:

[DeanMember]

Normally I don’t send or forward these, but even by my standards, it was a bit different. I want all of my friends to feel what I felt when I read it. Hope it touches your heart as it did mine.

This is golden……

A MOTHERS LOVE

A little boy says to his mother,”Mommy, how come I’m black and you’re white?”

His mother replied, “Don’t even go there! From what I remember about that party, you’re fucking lucky you don’t bark!

:ohmy: :ohmy:

Ollie

[Dwayne OMember]

Found this latest pic of the famous or infamous Tiger Woods with his lovely wife :laugh:
Somehow I don`t think it will be used on this years Xmas Cards

[anthonyMember]

i was walking down the street an looked in the gutter an i seen my nose , so i asked my nose what u doing , an my nose said im off my face !

[Dwayne OMember]

FUN FACTS

English is such an amazing language.

Did you know:

A. That the words “race car” spelled backward still spell “race car”?

B. That “eat” is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move
It to the last, it spells its past tense “ate”?

C. That if you rearrange the letters in “illegal immigrants” and add

Just a few more letters, it spells out:

“Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, kid-producing, violent, non-English
Speaking assholes and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing,
Bomb-making, goat-loving, raggedy-ass bastards with you”?

How weird is that ???

[drewMember]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,

“This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks,

“Which do you want, son?”

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber.

“That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied,

“Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!”

[glennMember]

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.

It’s opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand,
a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.
Salesman: “Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?”
Little boy: “What the f*ck do you think?”

[Author]

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