Jokes

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Viewing 15 posts - 586 through 600 (of 1,694 total)
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  • #164673

    glenn
    Member

    “When I were a lad, Momma would send me down to t’corner store wi’ a

    dollar, and I’d come back wi’ five pounds o’ potatoes, two loaves o’

    bread, three pints o’ milk, a pound o’ cheese, a packet o’ tea, an’ ‘alf a dozen eggs. Yer can’t do that now.

    Too many damm security cameras.”

    #164675

    glenn
    Member

    Two Interesting Years

    Interesting Year 1981
    1. Prince Charles got married
    2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
    3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
    4. The pope died

    Interesting Year 2005
    1. Prince Charles got married
    2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
    3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
    4. The pope died

    Lesson to be learned:
    The next time Charles gets married, somebody warn the Pope.!!

    #164676

    anthony
    Member

    a group of non english speaking asians went to a park with
    a tour guide who was teaching them the english language,he walked them around
    saying “this is a tree” “this is a flower” they copied word for word,
    he walked them to a bush where they heard moaning he says “wait here ill
    check this out”he came out of the bush and said its just a man riding a bike,
    one of the men from the group went in. Bang Bang they heard gunshots,the man
    came out and said thats my fuckin bike…

    #164674

    anthony
    Member

    Boony wrote:

    Quote:
    A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.

    It’s opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand,
    a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.
    Salesman: “Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?”
    Little boy: “What the f*ck do you think?”

    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: pisser m8 absolute pisser :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

    #106550

    drew
    Member

    Couple o hillbillies where out a huntin, when a very attractive hiker walks into the opening they were staking out.

    bubba yells out “are you game?”

    the hiker looked around and seeing no one else about,

    nodded and said with a slight tremble of excitement in her voice

    “well sure”.

    with that dwaine shot her.

    :blink:

    . :huh:

    #106551

    Craig Hatton
    Member

    I was talking to a samoan restaurant owner the other day, he said that business has been slow since the tsunami, but is now getting better cause the locals are starting to drift back in

    hatto

    #164947

    Mick D
    Member

    Another motivator hitler.jpg

    #164948

    Mick D
    Member

    another obama.jpg

    #164949

    Trent
    Member

    Plenty of good ones here – some not so appropriate for work :p

    http://www.s13.com/MotivationalPosters/moto-motivation.htm

    #164952

    Greg
    Member

    Austblue wrote:

    Quote:
    Plenty of good ones here – some not so appropriate for work :p

    http://www.s13.com/MotivationalPosters/moto-motivation.htm

    Wow there are some there AB good job

    TB

    #106552

    Dwayne O
    Member

    One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

    “You’re a goblin,” she says, “I caught you and you owe me three wishes!”. So the goblin replies “OK, you caught me fair and square, what’s your first wish?”. The woman stops and thinks for a second, “I want a huge mansion to live in.”, goblins replies “OK, you’ve got it.”. Woman again thinks it over, “My second wish is a Mercedes.” “OK, you’ve got that too.” “My last wish is a million dollars!”. The goblin then says “OK, you’ve got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me.” “OK then, if that’s what it takes…”

    Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

    “Tell me,” says the man, “how old are you?” “I’m 27”, she replies

    “Fuck me”, says the man, “27 and you still believe in goblins”

    :laugh :laugh: :laugh: :

    #106553

    Dwayne O
    Member

    There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.
    The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you know what ,,,I tried with my right hand…nothing. So, I tried with my left hand…nothing. My wife tried with her right hand…nothing. Her left hand…nothing. Her mouth…nothing.
    Then my wife’s mother tried. Right hand, left hand, with her teeth in, with her teeth out….still nothing.
    Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife’s mother tried too?!
    Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn’t get the lid off of the specimen cup.

    Boom Boom

    :P

    #106554

    Dwayne O
    Member

    Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: “Sir, did you call for me?” Bob replies: “No, what do you mean?” She says: “You must be new here; let me explain. It’s a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me.” Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

    Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: “Sir, did you call for me?” Bob replies: “No, what do you mean?” The Huge Man: “You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me.” The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

    Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: “May I help you?” Bob says: “Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee.” Receptionist: “But Sir, you’ve only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities…..”Bob replies: “Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks.”

    #106555

    drew
    Member

    A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, ‘You’re beautiful.’ Then he fell asleep again..

    His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, ‘You’re cute.’

    The wife was disappointed because instead of ‘beautiful,’ it was now ‘cute.’

    She asked, ‘What happened to beautiful?’

    The man replied, ‘The drugs are wearing off.’

    ____________-

    An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

    ‘I’m 90 years old,’ he says.

    ’90!’ replies the woman. ‘Don’t you realize you’ve had it?’

    ‘Oh, sorry,’ says the old man. ‘How much do I owe you?’

    _____________________

    A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

    ‘Quick,’ said the woman to the lover, ‘into the closet!’ and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

    The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

    ‘Who are you?’ he asked him.

    ‘I’m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,’ said the exterminator.

    ‘What are you doing in there?’ the husband asked.

    ‘I’m investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,’ the man replied.

    ‘And where are your clothes?’ asked the husband.

    The man looked down at himself and exclaimed, ‘Why, those little thiefs!!’

    _________________



    A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale ‘ He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

    The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there..

    ‘You talk?’ he asks.

    ‘Yep,’ the Lab replies.

    After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ‘So, what’s your story?’
    The Lab looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.’
    ‘I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.’ ‘I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’

    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

    ‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.

    ‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’

    ‘Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that stuff.

    #165084

    Mick D
    Member

    Jingle Bells

    Dashing through the snow

    In a one horse open sleigh

    O’er the fields we go

    Laughing all the way

    A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered

    safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must

    also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a

    venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please

    note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their

    fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we

    would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be

    considered a noise nuisance.


    Rudolph the red nosed reindeer

    Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer

    had a very shiny nose.

    And if you ever saw him,

    you would even say it glows.

    You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is

    inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the readiness

    of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R

    Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and

    disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this

    offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions –

    including suspension on full pay – will be considered whilst this

    investigation takes place.

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