Jokes

[Dwayne OMember]

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.

He said, ‘I’m going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.’ She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, ‘It looks like you’ve had a couple of stiff ones.’

She replied, ‘You mean it shows that, too?’

:blink: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[Dwayne OMember]

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while.

Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. In pain she screamed ‘What the hell did you do that for?’ Tarzan replied, ‘Always check for squirrels.’

:woohoo :woohoo: :woohoo: :

[Dwayne OMember]

Ol’ Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol’ Fred’s condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol’ Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that
time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol’ Fred died. He said, “You know, Ol’ Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven’t looked at it, but knowing Fred, I’m sure there’s a word of inspiration there for us all.”

He opened the note, and read, “Asshole, you’re standing on my oxygen tube!”

:ohmy: :unsure: :huh: :dry: :laugh:

[Mick DMember]

It is near the Christmas break of the school year.

The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do.

All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: “Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today.”

Little Johnny says to himself “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart and will answer

the question.”

Teacher: “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, “Abraham Lincoln.”

Teacher: “That’s right Susie, you can go home.”
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: “Who said ‘I Have a Dream’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, “Martin Luther King.”

Teacher: “That’s right Mary, you can go.”
Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, “John F. Kennedy.”

Teacher: “That’s right Nancy, you may also leave.”
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, “I wish these bitches would
keep their mouths shut!”

The teacher turns around: “NOW WHO SAID THAT?”

Johnny: “TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?”

[Dwayne OMember]

The last words my ex said to me before she left were “YOU`LL NEVER FIND SOMEONE LIKE ME AGAIN !!!”

And I replied, “THANK FUCK FOR THAT!!!!! :woohoo: “

[Dwayne OMember]

Whats the difference between Tiger Woods & Santa ???????

[PaulMember]

Christmas Story – an antidote to all that mushy stuff

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?’

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[drewMember]

ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald’s I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
‘We don’t have half dozen nuggets,’ said the teenager at the counter.
‘You don’t?’ I replied.
‘We only have six, nine, or twelve,’ was the reply.
‘So I can’t order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?’
‘That’s right.’
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true…)

TWO

I was checking out at the local Woolworths with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those ‘dividers’ that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the ‘divider’, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, ‘Do you know how much this is?’
I said to her ‘I’ve changed my mind; I don’t think I’ll buy that today.’
She said ‘OK,’ and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE :tell john this was ,nt me
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM ‘thingy.’
(keep shuddering!!)

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. ‘Do you need some help?’ I asked.
She replied, ‘I knew I! should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?’
‘Hmmm, I don’t know. Do you have an alarm, too?’ I asked.
‘No, just this remote thingy,’ she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, ‘Why don’t you drive over there and check about the batteries. It’s a long walk….’
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, ‘I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?’ ‘Just use paper from the photocopier’, the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five ‘blank’ copies.
Brunette, by the way!!

SIX
A mother calls 000 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, ‘I just gave him some ant killer….’
Dispatcher: ‘Rush him in to emergency!’

Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid!!!!

sad fact is i can believe all of these actually being real :unsure: :S

[GlennMember]

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER : $2.00?
HAMBURGER : $2.25?
CHEESEBURGER : $2.50?
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50?
HAND JOB : $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole’ biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

“Yes?” she enquires with a wide, knowing smile, “may I help you?”

The ole biker leans over the bar, “I was wondering young lady,” he whispers, “are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?”

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, “Why yes, yes, I sure am”.

The ole’ biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, “Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger”.

[dennis da menaceMember]

ive got a joke…………..

menace!

from sammy :kiss:

[glennMember]

best one we have heard for a while sammy.

:laugh:

[drewMember]

what ya get when Menace is in hot water?

Menacetrone

. :blush:

[simon burkeMember]

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe’
with a full-grown emu behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, ‘A hamburger, chips and a coke,’
and turns to the emu, ‘What’s yours?’
‘I’ll have the same,’ says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order
‘That will be $9.40 please,’ and he reaches into his
pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again
and he says, ‘A hamburger, chips and a coke.’
The emu says, ‘I’ll have the same.’

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket
and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.
‘The usual?’ asks the waitress.

‘No, it’s Friday night, so I’ll have a steak,
baked potato and a salad,’ says the man.
‘Same,’ says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says,
‘That will be $32.62.’

Once again the man pulls the exact change
out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
‘Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always
come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?’

‘Well, love’ says the truckie, ‘a few years ago, I was
cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp.
When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me
two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay
for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket
and the right amount of money would always be there.’

‘That’s brilliant!’ says the waitress.
‘Most people would ask for a million dollars or something,
but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!’

‘That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce,
the exact money is always there,’ says the man.
The waitress asks, ‘What’s with the bloody emu?’

The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers,
‘My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse
and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.’

[PaulMember]

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been
going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was,
walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave,
using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

“Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. What’s your name?

“Morris Fishbien,” he replied.

“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?”

“For about 60 years.”

“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”

“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.”
“I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. ”
“I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love
their fellow man.”

“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”

“Like I’m talking to a brick wall!”

[simon burkeMember]

A young woman, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters of Sydney Harbour. As she stood on the edge of the dock, pondering her fate, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by. “You’re not thinking of jumping, are you?” he jokingly asked. “Yes, yes I am.” replied the sobbing girl.
Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge, “Look, nothing’s worth that. I tell you what, I’m sailing off for Europe tomorrow. Why don’t you stow away on board and start a new life over there. I’ll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night, and I’ll look after you if you ‘look after’ me.” The girl, having no better prospects agreed and the sailor snuck her on board that night. For the next 3 weeks the sailor would come to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water and making love to her until dawn. Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine inspection of the ship & it’s lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to find the startled young woman and demanded an explanation. The young woman came clean; “I’ve stowed away to get to Europe. One of the sailors is helping me out, he set me up in here and brings me food and water every night, and, and…….he’s screwing me.”
The puzzled captain stared at her for a moment before a small grin cracked
his face and he replied; “He sure is darlin’, this is the Manly Ferry!
:woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo:

[Author]

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