Jokes

[simon burkeMember]

A Jackeroo rides into town after months of rustling. He ties the horse out the front of the pub, dusts off his pants, and then walks around to the back of the horse and runs his lips along the crack of the horses ass. He heads into the bar, and asks the barmen for a glass of beer. The barmen says, “Listen mate, can I just ask why you ran your lips along the crack of your horses ass ?”.He replies, “I’ve got chapped lips”.The barmen replies, “does that cure them ?”. The jackeroo replies, “no but it sure stops me licken ’em”.
:X

[DeanMember]

Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy’s mini van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out “Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!”

Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.

About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, “Did you get these marks having sex?”

Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy [let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her] eventually admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, “I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor you’ve got the worst case of van aerial disease that I’ve ever seen”.

Ollie :laugh:

[Mick DMember]

Good one Ollie. I laughed out loud at that one!!

[DeanMember]

5 Year old’s first job
Here’s a truly heart warming story about the bond formed between a little
5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe
that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the
activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the
workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough,” more or
less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let
her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her
little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who
suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the
next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed
and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such
a young age. The little girl proudly replied, “I worked last week with a
real construction crew building the new house next door to us.”
“Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the
house again this week, too?”
The little girl replied, “I will, if those c*nts at Bunnings ever
deliver the f*ckn’ gyprock…”

Ollie :laugh:

[PaulMember]

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, ‘Are you going to the Gold Coast?’

‘Sure,’ answered the blonde, ‘do you need a lift ?’
‘Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I’ll give you $100 for your trouble..’

‘I’d be happy to,’ said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. ‘What the heck are you doing here ?’ he demanded, ‘I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.’

‘Yes, I know you did,’ said the blonde,’ but we had money left over — so now we’re going to SeaWorld

[PaulMember]

Boy, I’m rich!

Silver in the Hair

Gold in the Teeth.

Stones in the Kidneys.

Sugar in the Blood.

Lead in the Feet.

Iron in the Arteries.

And an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.

I never thought I’d accumulate such wealth.

[DeanMember]

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, ‘But we don’t know anything about each other.’

He said, ‘That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along.’

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, ‘That was incredible!’

He said, ‘I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about each other as we went along.’

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps.

After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.

He said, ‘That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?’

‘No,’ she said, ‘I was a prostitute in Mildura, but I worked both sides of the Murray !!!

Ollie :laugh:

[drewMember]

Mildura dose have a bridge you know Ollie

. :laugh: :laugh: :woohoo: :silly: :cheer:

[glennMember]

CALIFORNIA LOVE STORY….

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his
testicles something she loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, “Why do you love
doing that?”

Because, she replied, “I miss mine.”

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it???

Boony

[simon burkeMember]

The son of a cocky (farmer) from outback Queensland goes off to study Law at university. Not half way through the semester he has blown all of his money on the high city life.

He calls home. ‘Dad, you won’t believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane Uni that will teach a dog how to talk.’

‘Bloody amazing!’ his Dad says. ‘Could we get Ol’ Blue into the programme?’

‘No worries, just send him down here with $2,000,’ the young jackaroo says, ‘I’ll get him into the course.’

So father sends down the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. ‘So how’s Ol’ Blue doing, son?’ his father wants to know.

‘Awesome Dad! He’d talk ya bloody head off. But you just won’t believe this. He’s such a brilliant talker, they’d like him to have a go in the reading class!’

‘Read?’ exclaims his father. ‘No kidding! Jeez, I knew he was smart. Can you get Ol’ Blue into that programme?’

‘Just send $4,500. He’s as good as in.’

As quick as the money arrives, it is spent.

At the end of the term the young bloke realises a problem…When he goes home for the holidays, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So on the way home he stops and shoots the dog.

When he arrives home his father is all excited. ‘Where’s Ol’ Blue? I just can’t wait to talk with him and see him read something!’

‘Dad,’ the boy says, ‘It all had a bad outcome. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol’ Blue was in the living room reading the Wall Street Journal. Out of nowhere he turned to me and asked, ‘So, is your dad still rooting that little redhead barmaid from the pub?”

The father groans and whispers, ‘I’ll have to shoot that bastard before he blabs to your Mother!’

‘I already did, Dad!’

‘Good boy!’

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

[Scott SouthwellMember]

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the BullshiT and Ass kissing that will put you over the top

[TobyMember]

Read on to understand “TANJOOBERRYMUTTS”.

By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND “TANJOOBERRYMUTTS”…and be ready for China .
In order to continue getting-by in China , we need to learn English the way it is spoken…… ………. ……..
Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term “TANJOOBERRYMUTTS”.
With a little patience, you’ll be able to fit right in.

Now, here goes…
The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and room-service today……

Room Service : “Morrin. Roon sirbees.”
Guest : “Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.”

Room Service: ” Rye . Roon sirbees…morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???”
Guest: “Uh….. Yes, I’d like to order bacon and eggs.”

Room Service: “Ow ulai den?”
Guest: “…..What??”

Room Service: “Ow ulai den?!?… Pryed, boyud, pochd?”
Guest: “Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please.”

Room Service: “Ow ulai dee bayken ? Creepse?”
Guest: “Crisp will be fine.”

Room Service: “Hokay. An sahn toes?”
Guest: “What?”

Room Service: “An toes. ulai sahn toes?”
Guest: “I…. Don’t think so..”

RoomService: “No? Udo wan sahn toes???”
Guest: “I feel really bad about this, but I don’t know what ‘udo wan sahn toes’ means.”

RoomService: “Toes! Toes!…Why Uoo don wan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we botter?”
Guest: “Oh, English muffin! !! I’ve got it! You were saying ‘toast’… Fine…Yes, an English muffin will be fine.”

RoomService: “We botter?”
Guest: “No, just put the botter on the side.”

RoomService: “Wad?!?”
Guest: “I mean butter… Just put the butter on the side.”

RoomService: “Copy?”
Guest: “Excuse me?”

RoomService: “Copy…tea.. meel?”
Guest: “Yes. Coffee, please… And that’s everything.”

RoomService: “One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken , Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh and copy … Rye ??”
Guest: “Whatever you say.”

RoomService: “Tanjooberrymutts.”
Guest: “You’re welcome”

Remember I said “By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND ‘TANJOOBERRYMUTTS’ ……and you do, don’t you!

[TrentMember]

That’s funny, what’s not funny is that many foreigners these days speak better english than many Australians!

[glennMember]

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use
a condom all the time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning
to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders
some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the
results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, ‘I’ve
got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very
rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.’

The man looks a little perplexed and says, ‘Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me up, Doc.’

The doctor answers, ‘I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re
going to have to amputate your penis.’

The man screams in horror, ‘Absolutely not! I want a second
opinion.’

The doctor replies, ‘Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want
but surgery is your only choice.’

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that
he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his
penis and proclaims, ‘Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.’

The guy says to the doctor, ‘Yeah, yeah, I already know that but
what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my
penis!’

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. ‘Stupid American
docttah, always want to opawate. Make more money dat way. No need
to amputate!’

Oh, Thank God!’ the man replies.

‘Yes,’ says the Chinese doctor, ‘wait two weeks. Fawl off by self!’

[glennMember]

THIS OUGHT TO MAKE ALL GRANDPAS FEEL WARM & FUZZY…

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her
Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa’s room…. “Grandpa, Grandpa,” she says excitedly, “As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!”

“What?” said her Grandpa.

“Make a noise like a frog – because Grandma said that as soon as you
croak, we’re all going to Disneyland!!!”

[Author]

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