Jokes

[glennMember]

Are you tired of those piss weak ‘friendship’ poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here are a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cute little smiley faces here — Just the stone cold truth of a great friendship.

….When you are sad — I will help you get pissed and plot revenge against the bastard who made you sad.
…When you are blue — I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3…. When you smile — I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.

4…. When you are scared — I will take the piss out of you every chance I get until you’re NOT.

5….. When you are worried — I will tell you stories about how much worse it could be until

YOU STOP WHINING!

6… When you are confused — I will try to use only little words.

7… When you are sick — Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don’t want whatever you have.

8…. When you fall — I will laugh at you, you clumsy arse.

9…. This is my oath…. I pledge it to the end. ‘Why?’ you may ask;

Because you are my friend

[simon burkeMember]

THIS ONE IS FOR YOU BOONY….in case your not paying attention

A couple take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could
have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn’t have a bath but
she could use a tin bath in front of the fire…….

“Monday’s the best night, when my husband goes out to darts,” she said.. So
the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday….

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled
the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see
that the lass didn’t have any pubic hair, and told her husband when he came
home. He didn’t believe her, so she said, “Next week I’ll leave a gap in the
curtains so that you can see for yourself..”

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked,
“Do you shave?”

“No,” replied the girl. “I’ve just never grown any hairs down there. Do you
have hairs?”

“Oh, yes,” said the woman, and she showed off her hairy muff.

When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked, “Did you
see it?”

“Yes,” he said, “but why the hell did you have to show her yours.”

“Why not?” she said. “You’ve seen it before.”

“I know,” he said, “but the darts team hadn’t!!”

[glennMember]

Bwaaahhhhaaaaaa

Gold Bolls 😆

[Mick DMember]

The Pope and Kevin Rudd were sharing a platform in front of a huge crowd at
the AFL Grand Final.
The Pope leaned towards Rudd and whispered.
“Did you know that with one little movement of my hand, I can make every
person in this crowd go wild with joy? It will not just bring momentary
joy to them, as with the spectators of a football match, but it will leave
an indelible mark on their hearts and they will forever speak of this day
and rejoice!”

Rudd replied, “I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand?
Show me.”

So the Pope backhanded the bastard.

[GregMember]

micknmeld wrote:

Quote:

The Pope and Kevin Rudd were sharing a platform in front of a huge crowd at
the AFL Grand Final.
The Pope leaned towards Rudd and whispered.
“Did you know that with one little movement of my hand, I can make every
person in this crowd go wild with joy? It will not just bring momentary
joy to them, as with the spectators of a football match, but it will leave
an indelible mark on their hearts and they will forever speak of this day
and rejoice!”

Rudd replied, “I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand?
Show me.”

So the Pope backhanded the bastard.

That made me laugh Mick :laugh: I would love to more then back hand the tool

TB

[drewMember]

A guy sat down at the bar and ordered a beer.

The bartender filled his mug and slid it down the bar.

While sliding down the bar, the mug hit a blond woman’s boobs and

splashed all over them…

The bartender went over, retrieved the mug and licked the beer off her boobs.

Each time the guy called for another beer this happened.

After his third beer, the guy decided to help the bartender out.

The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumped up and started to lick them….

She decked him!

He was laying on the floor moaning, ‘Jeez lady… Why’d you let the bartender lick your boobs, but not me?’

‘Duh,’ said the blond, ‘He has a licker license!’

[Jason GreenMember]

A poof walked into a gay bar and…….. never mind,you were probably there and saw the whole
thing!

Fantastic stuff! I have just discovered Twitter. Its my girlfriends sensitive area between the Twat and the Shitter!

I have got a stray parrot in my garden. All it says is ‘good morning you ugly fuc#er”……….
Its not yours is it? : :woohoo:

[DeanMember]

Realising this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly…
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,
‘Do you know what your asshole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?’

She replied, ‘Probably riding Dirt bkes with his mates.’

Ollie

:laugh:

[Craig HattonMember]

Renault & Ford are working on a new small car for woman.
They are mixing the renault CLIO and the ford Taurus & calling it the “Clitaurus”
It comes in pink and the average male car thief won’t be able to find it, let alone turn it on, even if someone tells him where it is & and how to do it.
Rumour has it that it leaks transmission fluid around once a month & can be a real bitch to start in the morning…

Hatto

[Craig HattonMember]

I failed my biology exam today, I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently abos and lebs is not the correct answer

hatto

[dennis da menaceMember]

Q: Whats the best thing about being an ICE addict?

A: Theres only 2 more sleeps till christmas! :laugh: :laugh:

[Mick DMember]

Menace as a kid at school

[PaulMember]

Lifesavers, you know the lollies….

The children began to identify the flavours by their colour:

Red………………….Cherry
Yellow………………Lemon
Green………………Lime
Orange ……………Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, ‘I will give you all a clue. It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.’

One little girl looked up in horror, spat her lifesaver out and yelled, ‘Oh my God! They’re arse-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!

[PaulMember]

Gynecologist’s Assistant
A retired man went into the Job Centre in Sydney, and saw a card advertising for a Gynaecologist’s Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read; “The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they’re ready for the gynaecologist’s examination. “The annual salary is $65,000, and you’ll have to go to Darwin, that’s about 3000 miles from here.”

“Good grief, is that where the job is?”

“No sir — that’s where the end of the line is right now.

[simon burkeMember]

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, ‘YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE’.

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, ‘From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

‘Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe…Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and do my hair?

Without even looking up from her morning paper the wife replied, ‘The f**kin’ funeral director would be my first guess.’

[Author]

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