Jokes

[PaulMember]

The following was developed as a mental age assessment
By the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University .?

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

The average person over 40 years of age – Cannot – do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10 This is for cat.
11 This is forty cat.
12 This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.

[DeanMember]

---

The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an
administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to
Heaven. The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in
Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error.
“However”, the clerk explains, “it would be 24 hours before it can be
rectified”.
Next day the Pope is called and Hell’s staff bids him farewell.
On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they
stop to have a chat. “Sorry about the mix up”, apologizes the Pope.
“No problem” replied Tiger Woods.
Pope: “I am really anxious to get to Heaven”
Tiger: “Why is that?”
Pope: “All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary”
Tiger: “You’re a day late

Ollie :laugh:

[DeanMember]

These will make you laugh. —

SIX SHORT STORIES BY MEN!
ONE
I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, “Morning.” He said, “No, just taking a shit.
TWO
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked Him to forgive me.
THREE
My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting, “Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!” She looked at me and yelled, “You did this to me, you bastard!” I casually replied, “If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, ‘That would hurt too much’.”
FOUR
I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
FIVE
I was walking down the road and saw my Afghanistan neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, “What’s wrong, Abdul? Won’t it start?”
SIX
My girlfriend and I were making love when she looked up at me and said, “Make love to me like in the movies.” So I turned her over on all fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled out, flipped her back over and came all over her face and hair. I never saw her again after that night. I guess we don’t watch the same movies.

Ollie :laugh:

[DeanMember]

Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman.

She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.

I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.

Apparently I’m not welcome back at KFC.

Ollie :laugh:

[drewMember]

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed li mi t,

so he asks the biker his name.

‘Fred,’ he replies.

‘Fred what?’ the officer asks.

‘Just Fred,’ the
man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he mi ght just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. ‘Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’

The biker
replies, ‘It’s a long story, so stay with me.’ I was born Fred Johnson.

I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.’

The officer walked away in tears, laughing

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[glennMember]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called..
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were..
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.

[DeanMember]

1. Two blondes walk into a building……….You’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message – If you want to buy marij*ana, press the hash key…”

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said “No, the steaks are too high.”

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!
The doctor replied, I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off

8. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank. Proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says I’ll give you some cream to put on it.

12. ‘Doc I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home’ That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.
‘ Is it common? ‘ It’s not unusual.

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?
Well, says the vet,let’s have a look at him, So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, I’m going to have to put him down.
What? Because he’s cross-eyed? No, because he’s really heavy

14. Guy goes into the doctor’s. Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside. How’s that? Don’t you start.!

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff…boom, boom!

16.What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me Can you give me a lift? I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.”

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It’s either my mum or my Dad,or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other “your round”. The other one says “So are you, you fat bast**d!”

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

21.You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen.
It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, I’ve hurt my arm in several places The doctor said, Well don’t go there anymore

23. Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night’

[DeanMember]

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been
married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided
to amaze our men by greeting them at the door
wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here’s how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he
found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you..’ Then we made passionate love all nightlong.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was
wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
mask over my eyes.. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word,
but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,

“What’s for dinner, Batman?”

[glennMember]

I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door. They asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex. It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, “I wanna watch.”

Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub Her tummy and say “congratulations “but none of them rub your dick and Say “well done”?

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything….I met a bloke with No legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I asked was “How are you getting on?”

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby “Is this yours?” she asked.”Probably.” said Paddy “She burns everything else!”

My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken
Jaw.. It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio.

Sex therapist claim that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its bullshit!!

They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right. After 8 pints I talk shit and can’t drive!

What’s the difference between Basil Brush and a Terrorist with a Rucksack?
The Terrorist with a rucksack only goes “Boom” once.

Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist “Is the Porn channel In my room disabled?”
“No,” she replies “it’s just regular porn you sick bastard.”

A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her Twin. I said “How can you tell them Apart?”

He said “Her brother’s got a moustache!”

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems.”Can you describe the Symptoms to me?” asked the doctor. “Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird With big blue hair.”

[drewMember]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: “I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”

The other student says: “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki

Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class.”

Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him:

“We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?”

The old man said, “I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.”

The first student said, “I think its Peltry Syndrome.”

The old man said, “You thought……. But you are wrong.”

The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.”

The old man said, “You thought……. But you are wrong.”

So they asked him, “Well, old timer, what do you have?”

The old man said, “I thought it was a Fart…….. …………… But I was wrong, too!”

[DeanMember]

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a gun. He shouts ‘this is a raid, get on the floor!’ and proceeds to empty the tills. As he runs to the door with the loot a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots him in the head and shouts ‘did anyone else see my face?’ He spots a man peering from behind the counter so shoots him too. ‘Did anybody else see my face?’ he shouts, waving his gun about. After a short silence a voice is heard from a far corner. . . ‘I think my missus got a glimpse…’

ollie

[DeanMember]

Kids know far too much these days! Today in the doctors waiting room, I saw a little girl playing with her Barbie & Ken dolls imitating the doggy position, I told her, “You’ll end up with little baby dolls if you keep doing that.” She replied, “I don’t think so, he’s doing her up the a#@e.”.

[DeanMember]

Talk about f#@!n’ Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder… I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan. Having not seen my wife for several months, I was looking forward to a night of hot passionate sex with her. Unfortunately she came out of the shower with a f#$@n’ towel wrapped round her head so I shot her.

Ollie

[GregMember]

Ollie wrote:

Quote:

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a gun. He shouts ‘this is a raid, get on the floor!’ and proceeds to empty the tills. As he runs to the door with the loot a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots him in the head and shouts ‘did anyone else see my face?’ He spots a man peering from behind the counter so shoots him too. ‘Did anybody else see my face?’ he shouts, waving his gun about. After a short silence a voice is heard from a far corner. . . ‘I think my missus got a glimpse…’

ollie

You are the Jokes King I think Ollie and this one cracked me up

Cheers

[DeanMember]

Why thankyou my man

“some people do the craziest things…was in church the other day and this chick nxt 2 me lit up a cigerette!..i nearly dropped my beer”!

ollie

[Author]

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