Jokes

[Mick DMember]

Ollie wrote:

Quote:

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a gun. He shouts ‘this is a raid, get on the floor!’ and proceeds to empty the tills. As he runs to the door with the loot a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots him in the head and shouts ‘did anyone else see my face?’ He spots a man peering from behind the counter so shoots him too. ‘Did anybody else see my face?’ he shouts, waving his gun about. After a short silence a voice is heard from a far corner. . . ‘I think my missus got a glimpse…’

ollie

Now doing the rounds in The bowels of the Fairfax media intraweb. :laugh: :laugh: Good one Ollie.

[MalMember]

Good stuff Ollie.

Nice way to start day with a few good jokes. :laugh:

[drewMember]

Irish Virginity Test Kit

Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says, “Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself…. Virginity Test Kit….

A small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel.”

Paddy asks “Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?” The doctor replies,

“Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.

If she says, “That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever did see…”, you hit her with the shovel.’

[DeanMember]

Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians.
It’s called Trydixagen.

Ollie :laugh:

[simon burkeMember]

hope you can read this…if not..go get some glasses :woohoo:

[DeanMember]

NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there.. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, ‘As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little ‘ ral sex’ will do the trick & bring her out of the coma’

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife’s room.

After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. ‘What happened!?’ they cried.

The husband said, ‘I’m not sure; maybe she choked.’

[dennis da menaceMember]

…the problem with dating an Eskimo girl is the pain you feel when she breaks it off :laugh:

[dennis da menaceMember]

my mother in law sent me this :laugh: :laugh: god bless her…

AND NOW A NICE QUIET CATHOLIC JOKE

Sister Catherine and Sister Helen are traveling through Europe in
Their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic
Light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the
Hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

“Quick, quick!” shouts Sister Catherine. “What shall we do?”

“Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,”
Says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he
Clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

“What shall I do now?” she shouts.

“Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at
The Vatican,” says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as
The water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at
The nuns.

“Now what?” shouts Sister Catherine.

“Show him your cross,” says Sister Helen.

“Now you’re talking,” says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, “Get the fuck off the windshield!”

[DeanMember]

Definitely a Dog Lovers story………..

Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

“Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.

A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could
become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

‘Well’, she began, ‘I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we
knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!’

‘That must’ve been scary,’ said the teacher.

‘It sure was,’ said the little girl.

‘My kitty raised her back, went “Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,” but
before she could say ‘Fuck Off!,’ the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room………….

[drewMember]

3 school boys were caught smoking a joint in the toilets.

the headmaster as a learning tool, made the boys write up a pledge and get as many students as they could convince that drugs are bad to sign it, promising to say no to drugs.

they asked how they would get other students to sign the pledge.

the headmaster said that was up to the boys to think long and hard about so as to convince fellow students.

they were given 1 week.

at the end of the week they were all in the headmaster’s office to hand in their pledges.

the 1st boy said hi had 163 signatures. the headmaster asked him how he convinced so many students to sign.

he said, “i drew 2 circles on the back of the pledge, one BIG and one small and told them that the BIG one is how many brain cells you have before you do drugs.”

the headmaster asked, “what was did the small circle represent?”

the student said, ” oh the brain cells you have after you do drugs.”.

the headmaster asked the 2nd boy how many signed his pledge. he said 207.

the headmaster asked how he had convinced so many more than the first.

he said he asked if he could copy the 2 circle idea, but he had to use a different meaning to the big and small circle.

the headmaster inquired what hi big and small circle meant.

the boy said the big one was the amount of money you have before you do drugs and the small one was the amount of money you have when you do drugs.

the headmaster said to the 3rd boy and how many do you have. the boy said almost 1000 signed mine.

the headmaster scoffed and asked how he could get almost 3 times the signatures of the other two put together? and snatched the 7 pages of signatures from him as he accused him of forging most of them.

the boy answered well i was stuck for an idea and went for the 1st 3 day without anyone to sign my pledge, so i asked the others what they used. they let me use the same idea but had to come up with my own take in it.

the headmaster scowled “and just what do your circles represent?”

the boy said that “he told the other students that when you do drugs it costs a lot of money, and you will end up owing money to the dealers and they will get you to smuggle drugs to pay for the money they owe and you will get caught by the cops instead of the dealer and get locked up”,

the headmaster butted in and said that did not answer the question about the 2 cricles!!

the boy proudly added the small circle is the size of your arsehole before you go to prison.

[Dwayne OMember]

HOW COLD IS IT WHERE YOU LIVE????

now that`s Cold :blink:

[simon burkeMember]

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: N1 Eages :cheer:

[Matt BakerMember]

Not cold, he just hasn’t got a load away for a while.

[DeanMember]

I saw hundreds of these little buggers in Mombassa Kenya, didnt mind racking off with your food and wallets at any opportunity :laugh:

[MalMember]

Six Short Stories – For Men – By Men

ONE
I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, “Morning!” He said, “No, just taking a sh*t.”

TWO
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

THREE
My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting, “Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!” She looked at me and yelled, “You did this to me, you b@stard!” I casually replied, “If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your @ss but you said, ‘That would hurt too much’.”

FOUR
I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup.. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

FIVE
I was walking down the road and saw my Afghani neighbor Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, “What’s wrong, Abdul? Won’t it start?”

SIX
My girlfriend and I were making love when she looked up at me and said, “Make love to me like in the movies.” So I did her from behind, then flipped her on her back, and came all over her face and hair. I never saw her again after that night. I guess we don’t watch the same movies.

[Author]

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