Jokes

[Jeffrey SmithMember]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He’d toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question – and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, ‘That’s so wonderful! Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?’ . . . . . . . . . The father replied, ‘From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.’

[DeanMember]

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age. (I’m getting close to 50.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, ‘Do you think I’ll live to be 80?’

He asked, ‘Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine, indulge in chocolate or coffee?’

‘Oh no,’ I replied. ‘I’m not doing drugs, either!’

Then he asked, ‘Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? ‘I said, ‘Not much… My former doctor said that all red meat is very

unhealthy!’

‘Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, Or bicycling?’

‘No, I don’t,’ I said.

He asked, ‘Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?’

‘No,’ I said.

He looked at me and said,… ‘Then, why do you even give a shit?’

Ollie

:laugh:

[glennMember]

hey I`ve just worked out what a twitter is,

it`s the bit between the twat and the shitter, :woohoo:

Boony

[drewMember]

The chief woman ‘Greenie Tree-Hugging Activist’, who was responsible for
getting horses banned from National parks and State forests, was
Climbing a tree to have a look out over the forest when a Tawny Frogmouth
Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.

In a panic to escape, she slid down the tree, getting a great number of
splinters lodged in her crotch area. In considerable pain she hurried to the
nearest doctor, told him she was an environmentalist and how she got all the
splinters.

The doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go into the
examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited for 3 hours
before the doctor reappeared. Angry, the woman demanded, ‘What took you so
long?!!!’

‘Well…’ replied the doctor, ‘…I had to get permits from the Parks And
Wildlife Service; the Wilderness Society and the Department of Conservation
and Land Management before I could remove ‘old growth Timber from a
‘recreational area’ . . .
I’m sorry but they all turned me down.’

[DeanMember]

$280,000 Mortgage.

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father
said, ‘Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000
and your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can afford it.’ The
next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a
suitcase So he asked, ‘Son, where are you going?’ Little Joseph told him;
‘I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you
were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage
and no fucking bike!

Ollie :laugh:

:laugh:

[GregMember]

Well done Ollie thats bloody funny :laugh:

[Mick DMember]

The teacher asks the class to name something that ends in TOR that eats things

The first kid pipes up and says “AlligaTOR”

The teacher was impressed with his answer.

The next kid yells out “RapTOR”

Again the teacher is happy with the answer.

Young Johnny, sticks his hand in the air and says “vibraTOR”

The teacher was a bit taken back with his answer and says “That is a good word Johnny that ends in TOR, but I don’t think they eat things”

Young Johnny says back to her ”well tell my sister that, she says you wont believe how fast the fucken things eat batteries”

[Dwayne OMember]

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down … and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure device… a vibrator … soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She goes completely ballistic. “You impotent bastard,” she screamed at him, “how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!”

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: “I’ll explain the toy… if you explain the kids.”

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[Dwayne OMember]

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, ‘Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job.. There’s no way we can afford it.’

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked Joseph, “Son, where are you going?” Little Joseph told him; “I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too and I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself ………………………………… not with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike”

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[Mick DMember]

hey Eagle, get with the program champ, go back only four or so posts and you will find that Ollie has already posted that one…………. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[Dwayne OMember]

:blush: :blink: :S
didn`t see that ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, obviously :laugh:

thanx for pointing that out Mick

[DeanMember]

EAGLE`02 wrote:

Quote:

:blush: :blink: :S
didn`t see that ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, obviously :laugh:

thanx for pointing that out Mick

same joke but mine was much funnier :laugh: :laugh:

cmon Eags get with it :laugh: :laugh:

[simon burkeMember]

[TrentMember]

Nup, dun geddit.

[Jeffrey SmithMember]

Me either budgey boy, but it was posted by Bol

[Author]

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