Jokes

[TrentMember]

It was Postman Pat’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged
and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £500.

At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an18-carat gold box.

The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie.
She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a giant breakfast:
eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge..
‘All this was just too wonderful for words,’ he said, ‘but what’s the five pounds for?’

‘Well,’ said the dumb blonde, ‘last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day,
and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you’.

He said, ‘F*** him. Give him five quid.’

She smiled prettily. ‘The breakfast was my idea.’

[dennis da menaceMember]

Before Carl Williams died he invented a new exercise machine.

When asked why he designed it he replied, “exercise bikes do my head in”

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

it didnt take long :laugh:

[Mick DMember]

menace wrote:

Quote:

Before Carl Williams died he invented a new exercise machine.

When asked why he designed it he replied, “exercise bikes do my head in”

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

it didnt take long :laugh:

hhahahahh

I just showed my young bloke that joke and his response was..

“At least he got a good work out.”

That is from a 12 year old.

[simon burkeMember]

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, ‘What happened to YOU?’

‘Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.’

‘I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it – stuck right in the middle of the cow’s fanny.

Still holding the cow’s tail up, I yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!”

‘I don’t remember much after that’

[Dwayne OMember]

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman “Give me six double vodka.” The barman says “Wow! you must have had one really bad day.” “Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said “WOW! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?” “Yeah, my wife…” :woohoo:

[Dwayne OMember]

A man is sitting at a bar and see two lovely women across the room. He calls the bartender over and says, “I’d like to buy those two ladies a drink.”

The bartender replies, “It won’t do you any good.”

The man says, “It doesn’t matter, I want to buy those women a drink.”

The bartender brings the drinks to the women and they acknowledge the drink with a nod of their heads. A little while later, the man approaches the women and says, “I’d like to buy you two another drink.”

The women both reply, “It won’t do you any good.”

The man says, “I don’t understand. What do you mean it won’t do me any good?”

The first lady says, “We’re lesbians.”

The man says, “Lesbians? What are lesbians?”

The second woman replies, “Lesbians… We like to lick vaginas.”

The man says, “Bartender, three beers for us lesbians.”

[Dwayne OMember]

Too Little, Too Late
A guy is at the Pearly Gates, hoping to be admitted, and St. Peter says to the guy, “I can’t see that you did anything really good in your life, but you never did anything bad either. I tell you what, if you can tell me one really good deed that you did, you’re in.”
So the guy says, “Once I was driving down the road and saw a gang of bikers assaulting this poor girl. So I pulled over, got out my car, grabbed a tire iron and walked straight up to the gang’s leader–a huge ugly guy with a studded leather jacket, bald head but with hair all over his body, and a chain running from his nose to his ear.

Undaunted, I ripped the chain out of his nose and ear and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and, wielding my tire iron, yelled to the rest of them, ‘You leave this poor, innocent lady alone! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'”

Impressed, St. Peter says, “Really? I can’t seem to find this in your file. When did this happen?”

“Oh, about two minutes ago.”

:blink :laugh: :

[Dwayne OMember]

A Biker walks into a bar, he takes a seat at the bar and growls:
“Bartender! Get me a drink!” The bartender obliges, and the biker scarfs down the drink. Slamming the glass down on the bar, he growls:

“Bartender! Get me another!” The bartender pours him another drink. After a few more rounds, the bartender attempts some conversation:

“Sir, he says, it seems that you’re visibly upset. What’s the problem?” The biker looks at him and snorts:

“I just went home and caught my ol’ lady screwing my best friend!”

“Oh man,” says the bartender, that’s rough… “What did you do?” The biker says:

“Well, I grabbed her by the hair, threw her out nekkid, threw her clothes out after her, and told her never EVER to come back.”

“Wow,” says the bartender in awe: “That’s tough man, what did you do to your friend?”

“Well,” says the biker, “I marched right back upstairs, I grabbed HIM by the scruff of the neck, and I said: BAD DOG.”
:unsure:

[Matt BakerMember]

FEMALE POEM
I want a man who’s handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I want him to be gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, be not annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind
And knows how to answer “how big is my behind?”
I want this man to love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MALE POEM
I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a bottlo and a bike shop. I know this doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a fuck!

[dennis da menaceMember]

LC4skin wrote:

Quote:

FEMALE POEM
I want a man who’s handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I want him to be gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, be not annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind
And knows how to answer “how big is my behind?”
I want this man to love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MALE POEM
I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a bottlo and a bike shop. I know this doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a fuck!

Gold matty :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[FezMember]

What has 26 arms,26 legs and can’t climb a ladder?

Nines new crime show” UnderBellamy”

[glennMember]

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.

‘What’s up?’ she asks.

‘I think I’m having a heart attack,’ – cries the husband..

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she’s
dialing, her four-year-old son comes up

And says, “Mummy Mummy Aunty Shirley is hiding in the
wardrobe & she has no clothes on”

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband..

Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

‘You rotten Bitch’, she screams.

‘My husband’s having a heart attack, and you’re running around
naked, playing hide and seek with the kids!!’

[glennMember]

news flash—
contrary to popular belief,
the next serios of Underbelly will be going back to Melbourne.
It will still have lots of corruption,fraud,and greed. It will be subtitled “UNDERBELLAMY”

Boony

[DeanMember]

Former storm boss Brian Waldron is believed to have struck a deal with super 14’s Rugby side the Cheaters :laugh:

Ollie

[glennMember]

Whats the difference between a tooth pick and the Melbourne Storm ?

A tooth pick has 2 points

:woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo:

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