Jokes

This topic contains 487 replies, has 0 voices, and was last updated by  Adrian Snowden 9 years ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 736 through 750 (of 1,694 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #106599

    Paul
    Member

    … and thus we have the method for understanding women….formula.jpg

    #176960

    glenn
    Member

    WikdBeemer wrote:

    Quote:
    … and thus we have the method for understanding women….formula.jpg

    could`nt you fit all the other black boards they used in the photo Beema. :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo:

    #176970

    Paul
    Member

    I’d put it all together as a slide show Boony but it would take forever to download :laugh:

    #106848

    Ray Orzecki
    Member

    Carl Williams dad visited him the other day and said son your getting fat ,an exercise bike wouldnt kill you.

    #106998

    Ray Orzecki
    Member

    :laugh:

    #106600

    Dwayne O
    Member

    A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,

    ‘Father, I have a problem.
    I have two female parrots,
    but they only know how to say one thing.’
    ‘What do they say?’ the priest inquired.

    They say,

    ‘Hi, we’re hookers!
    Do you want to have some fun?’

    That’s obscene!’ the priest exclaimed,
    then he thought for a moment.
    ‘You know,’ he said,
    ‘I may have a solution to your problem.
    I have two male talking parrots,
    which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
    Bring your two parrots over to my house,
    and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
    My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,
    and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . .
    that phrase . . in no time.’

    Thank you,’ the woman responded,
    ‘this may very well be the solution.’
    The next day,
    she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house.
    As he ushered her in,
    she saw that his two male parrots
    were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

    Impressed,
    she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
    After a few minutes,
    the female parrots cried out in unison:

    Hi, we’re hookers!
    Do you want to have some fun?’
    There was stunned silence.
    Shocked,
    one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot
    and exclaimed,
    ‘Put the beads away, Frank.

    Our prayers have been answered!’
    _________________

    #106601

    Dwayne O
    Member

    Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:

    My wife and I are travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George .

    After almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue,

    and decide to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours

    and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later,

    the desk clerk hands us a bill for $350.00.

    I explode and demand to know why the charge is so high.

    I tell the clerk although it’s a nice hotel; the rooms certainly

    aren’t worth $350.00 Then the clerk tells me that $350.00

    is the ‘standard rate’. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

    The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that

    the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre

    that were available for us to use.’But we didn’t use them.

    ”Well, they are here, and you could have,’ explains the Manager.

    He goes on to explain we could also have taken in one of the shows

    for which the hotel is famous. ‘We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,’ the Manager says.

    ‘But we didn’t go to any of those shows,’ .’Well, we have them,

    and you could have,’ the Manager replies.

    No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, I reply,’But we didn’t use it!’

    The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

    I write a cheque and give it to the Manager.

    The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque.

    ‘But sir,’ ‘this cheque is only made out for $50.00.

    ”That’s correct, as I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.’

    ‘But I didn’t!’ exclaims the Manager.

    ‘Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have.’

    #106602

    Garry
    Member

    A bit sexist so if that offends – do not read on

    A good looking man walked into an agent’s office in Hollywood and said “I want to be a movie star.”

    Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

    The agent asked, “What’s your name?” The guy said, “My name is Penis van Lesbian.” The agent said, “Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.” “I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.”

    The agent said, “Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years… you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I’m telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.”

    “So be it! I guess we will not do business together” the guy said and he left the agents office.

    FIVE YEARS LATER… The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.

    Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter enclosed…

    “Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood. You told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice. Sincerely, Dick van Dyke.

    #106603

    Dwayne O
    Member

    SEX at 82!!!

    I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can

    have sex at 82!

    I’m sooooo happy, because I live at 73…..
    so it’s not far to walk home afterwards :woohoo:

    #106604

    nick morley
    Member

    Two eggs boiling in a pan, one egg says to the other.. “I’ve got a huge crack!” the other egg replies “Stop f***ing teasing me, i’m not hard yet!”
    :woohoo: :P :laugh: :woohoo: :P :laugh:

    #106605

    simon burke
    Member

    I have just been sacked from my new job in the
    Wines and Spirits section
    At Woolworths.
    A Muslim man came in and asked if I could recommend a good port.
    I said
    “Try Kuwait. Now F*ck off”

    #176504

    Dean
    Member

    I’ve just come out of the chip shop with a meat and potato pie, large
    > chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and
    > said ‘I’ve not eaten for two days’ I told him ‘I wish I had your f $#&ing
    > will power’

    Ollie

    #178388

    Dean
    Member

    Years ago it was suggested ‘ that an apple a day kept the doctor away ‘
    > But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that bacon works a f #$% ng treat!

    Ollie :laugh:

    #179041

    Mick D
    Member

    A patron in a restaurant in Iceland.

    “Waiter, waiter.!! There is volcanic ash in my soup.”

    Waiter
    “Sorry sir but it is a no fly zone at the moment.”

    #106606

    Adrian Lee
    Member

    I went to my first muslim birthday party today,musical chairs was a bit slow but fark me pass the parcel was quick !

Viewing 15 posts - 736 through 750 (of 1,694 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic.