Jokes

[drewMember]

what do you hear most often called out at a muslim dance club?!?!

Show Us Ya Face!!

. :blush: :huh: :silly: :woohoo:

[Mick PilgrimMember]

A Wife asks her

Husband, How many

Women have you slept with?
Husband proudly replies, Only

You, Darling-With all the

Others, I was awake!

Hospital Visiting Hours are;

10am – 4pm.

[glennMember]

One for LC & menace:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

This maths test can predict your all-time most-watched film.

Mine was Forrest Gump

Try it without looking at the answers.

It’s easy and really works:

Pick a number from 1 – 9.

Multiply by 3.

Add 3.

Multiply that by 3.

Add those two digits together.

Use that number to find your all time favourite movie in the list below.

Your number is:

1. Gone With the Wind.

2. Aliens.

3. Dances with Wolves.

4. Star Wars.

5. Forrest Gump.

6. Saving Private Ryan.

7. Jaws.

8. Doctor Zhivago.

9. The Joy of Anal Sex with Male Goats & Leather Clad Gay Boys.

10. Mary Poppins.

****I ain’t gonna say a word****

[Matt BakerMember]

Shit thats uncanny, how does it know? thats always been my favorite movie!

[drewMember]

A computer once beat me at chess,

but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

[Jason GreenMember]

Hey’ my girlfriend can’t dance!

But you should see her BOX!!!! :laugh: :ohmy:

[glennMember]

The Young Mexican Maid

A young Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife among the couple she worked for was very upset about this and
decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: ‘Now Maria, why do you
want a pay increase?’

Maria: ‘Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.’

Wife: ‘Who said you iron better than me?’

Maria: ‘Your husband said so.’

Wife: ‘Oh.’

Maria: ‘The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.’

Wife: ‘Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?’

Maria: ‘Your husband did.’

Wife: ‘Oh.’

Maria: ‘My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.’

Wife: (really furious now) ‘Did my husband say that as well?’

Maria: ‘No Senora…the gardener did.’

Wife: ‘So how much do you want?’

:lau :laugh: :laugh: gh:

[Jeffrey SmithMember]

I was telling some mates at the pub the joke about what to do when someone is having an epileptic fit in the bath tub, you throw in the washing, when this bloke comes over and yelling “that’s not funny, my brother died in a bath tub like that”

I said to him that I was sorry and that I didn’t mean to offend him.
I asked if he had drowned and the bloke said “No, he choked on a sock”

:woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: Boom Boom

[Bruce CurtisMember]

A little old lady calls 000. When the operator answers she yells, “Help, send the police to my house right away. There’s a damn Labor party politician on my front porch and he’s playing with himself.”
“What?” the operator exclaimed.
“I said there is a damn member of the labor party on my front porch playing with himself and he’s weird; I don’t know him and I’m afraid! Please send the police.” the little old lady repeated.
“Well, now, how do you know he’s a Labor party member?” says the operator.
“Because, you damn fool, if it was a Liberal, he’d be screwing somebody!”

[Craig HattonMember]

There’s a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market:

Try-cox-again.

hatto

[Craig HattonMember]

I’ve caught a stray parrot in my garden.

All he says is good morning you ugly c..t?

It’s not yours, is it?

hatto

[MalMember]

It is well known that humour is regional, but this is the first joke that I can say is truly Queenslander:
At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.

When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said without hesitation, “I’ll have a Tooheys New.”

The head of Carlton & United smiled and said, “Make mine a VB.”

To which the boss of Coopers rejoined, “I’ll have a Coopers, the King of
Beers.”

And the bloke from Cascade asked for “a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the
planet.”

The General Manager of XXXX paused a moment and then placed his order: “I’ll have a Diet Coke.”

The others looked at him as if he had sprouted a new head.

“Well,” he said with a shrug, “if you poofters aren’t drinking beer, then neither will I.”

[Mick DMember]

The Tunnel

Sitting together on a train travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a
Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young
blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:
The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks:
That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Kiwi thinks:
The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Australian thinks:
I can’t wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again.

[simon burkeMember]

How Fights Start

1. My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’

And then the fight started…

******************************************

2. My wife and I were watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And then the fight started…..

******************************************

3. Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of 5 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

And that’s how the fight started…

******************************************

4. I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…. He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, “I AM NOT HAPPY!!!”
So, I looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?”

And then the fight started…..

*****************************************

5. My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’
I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started…

******************************************

6. After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office..
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’

And then the fight started…

******************************************

7. When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive… so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started…

******************************************

8. My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’
‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since..’
‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And then the fight started…

******************************************

9. I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. “I’ll have the steak, medium rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?””
Nah, she can order for herself.”

And then the fight started….

******************************************

10. A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
The husband replied, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

And then the fight started…..

[Craig HattonMember]

Not really a joke but a laugh – well i spose K Rudd is the joke:

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel

” Pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land”.

40 years ago, Whitlam said,

” Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land”.

Now Krudd has stolen our shovel, taxed our asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the promised land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, our economy, wars, lost jobs, savings, social security, retirement funds, etc . . .

I called Lifeline and ended up in a freakin’ call center in Pakistan .

I told them I was suicidal.

They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck….

hatto

[Author]

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