Jokes

[DamoMember]

While BP’s broken well continues to spew huge amounts of oil into the Gulf of Mexico, someone took this photo at a BP filling station:

May BP practice what it preaches.

[DamoMember]

Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn’t take itself too
seriously. Check out their new livery!

[DeanMember]

Paddy goes to the doctor with a bad back.
“How did you get it?” asks the Doctor.
“Having s*x doggy style!” says Paddy.
“Why not have s*x the normal way?” asks Doctor.
“I have” says Paddy “but the dog keeps licking my face!”

Ollie :laugh: :laugh:

[DeanMember]

A married couple (the Niblett’s)were on another holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, ‘You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.’

So the Bob & Julie walked in. The Jamaican said to them, ‘I ‘ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.’

Well, Juleswas really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them,
being the Sex God that he was.

Bob asked the man, ‘How could sandals make you a sex freak?’

The Jamaican replied, ‘Just try dem on, Mon.’

Well, Bob, after some badgering from jules, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something Jules hadn’t seen in a long long time!!
In the blink of an eye, Bob grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican’s thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: ‘You got dem on de wrong feet!’
:laugh: :laugh:

Ollie

[Mick DMember]

[GregMember]

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the New South Wales State of Origin team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

[simon burkeMember]

Two women are chatting in an office.

Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?

Woman 2: Yes..

Woman 1: Was it good?

Woman 2: No, it was a disaster… my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairy tale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: You went home to have sex last night, did you score?

Husband 2: Yes it was great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, had sex with my wife and fell asleep. Perfect! How did you go?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there’s no dinner because the electricity was cut, I hadn’t paid the bill. Had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn’t have money for a cab. We walked home which took an hour – and when we get home I remember there is no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn’t get it up for an hour and then I couldn’t climax for another hour. After I finally did, I was so ticked off that I couldn’t fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

[Nick JacksonMember]

So I lost the pub trivia contest last night by one point. The last question was “Where do woman have the curliest hair ?” Apparently the correct answer is Fiji.

[glennMember]

Nickj wrote:

Quote:

So I lost the pub trivia contest last night by one point. The last question was “Where do woman have the curliest hair ?” Apparently the correct answer is Fiji.

yeah I know ya feeling, I lost a carton on the last question,
where is the black sea,,I said playing centre for the melbourne storm.

[corey heatherMember]

wife says to husband,”shall i slip into something that will make you smile?” hubby replies,”yes.Try a fucking coma”

[GregMember]

Subject: DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA . (“Pommie” – English immigrant.)

August 31 – Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha , Western Australia . Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I’ve finally found my new home. I love it here.

September 13 – Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I’m turning into a sun-worshipper.

September 30th – Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th – The temperature hasn’t been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it’s windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than I expected.

October 15th – Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do! Got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.

October 20th – Didn’t notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I’ve earned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

October 25 – This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant fuckin’ blow dryer. And it’s hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from fuckin’ Perth ….

October 30th – The temperature’s up around 40 and the parts still haven’t arrived for the fuckin’ aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we can’t even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?

November 4 – Finally got the ol’ aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 30. Stupid repairman.

November 8 – If one more smart arse says ‘Hot enough for you today?’ I’m going to fuckin’ throttle him. Fuckin’ heat! By the time I get to work, the car’s radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking fuckin’ wet and I smell like baked cat!

November 9 Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in the ol’ car. I thought my fuckin’ arse was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and my fuckin’ arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair,
fried arse and baked cat!

November 10 – Weather report! It might as well be a fuckin’ recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and fuckin’ sunny! It’s been too hot to do anything for two fuckin’ months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.

November 15 – Doesn’t it ever rain in this damn fuckin’ place? Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the fuckin’ pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the fuckin’ flies. You don’t dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the fuckers!

November 20th – Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 fuckin’ degrees today. Now the air conditioner’s gone in my car.. The repair man came to fix it and said, ‘Hot enough for you today?’ I had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid fucker. Fuckin’ Karratha! What kind of sick, demented fuckin’ idiot would want to live here!

December 1 –

WHAT!!!!

The first day of Summer!!!!

You are fuckin’ kidding!

[DeanMember]

In the sleepy village of Erbum, in the town of Tillet, Hertfordshire
lives a lady by the name Linda Lykes
She owns the local pub called The Cock Inn.

Her mail is addressed:
Linda Lykes
The Cock Inn
ERBUM
Tillet, Herts.

Ollie

[DeanMember]

Today, our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.”
She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right — everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much. I do, too — especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened,
and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken.
She asked me why, just like she’d asked the other children.

So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal’s office again..

He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, “Colonel Sanders.”

Guess where I am now….

Ollie :laugh:

[DeanMember]

Got my son a iPhone for his birthday the other week, and recently got my Daughter a iPod for hers, was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for father’s day.

Got my wife a iRon for her Birthday, it was around then the fight started……

Ollie :laugh:

[GregMember]

I stuff

Got my son an iPhone for his birthday the other week,
and recently got my Daughter an iPod for hers,

I was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for fathers day in September.

Got my wife an iRon for her Birthday,

it was around then the fight started…… I should be able to see out of my left eye again by tomorrow.

[Author]

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