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August 16, 2010 at 11:14 pm #106623
Wiremu, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been
able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they’d
each walked across the lake to the tavern on the far side for their first legal
drink.So when Wiremu’s, 18th birthday came ’round, he and his pal Rangi, took a
boat out to the middle of the lake, Wiremu, stepped out of the boat …and
nearly drowned! Rangi, just barely managed to pull him to safety.Furious and confused, Wiremu, went to see his grandmother.
‘Grandma,’ he asked, “It’s my 18th birthday, so why can’t I walk ‘cross
the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?”Granny looked deeply into Wiremu’s, troubled brown eyes and said,
“Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in July when the lake is frozen, you fuck-wit ….and you were born in December,…………..”August 18, 2010 at 1:25 am #106624
now you know why the chicken crossed the road. :dry:
August 20, 2010 at 3:58 am #106625Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, “So y’all want to be cops, huh?
The blondes all nodded
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, “To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth.
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. “Now,” he said, “did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?”
The blonde immediately said, “Yes, I did. He has only one eye!”
The detective shook his head and said, “Of course he has only
one eye in this picture! It’s a profile of his face! You’re
dismissed!”
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said,”What about you?
Notice anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?”
“Yes! He only has one ear!”
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, “Didn’t you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the
man’s face! Of course you can only see one ear! You’re excused too!”
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, “This is probably a waste of time, but….” He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, “All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?”
The blonde said, “I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.”
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the
folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, “You’re absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?”The blonde rolled her eyes and said, “Well, Hellooooooooooooo!
With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses.”August 23, 2010 at 1:27 am #186242A little Pakistani girl goes to her mother and says, “Mummy,
I don’t want to be a lesbian when I grow up! Her mother says, “What makes you think you’ll be a lesbian, Minjeeta?”
Why do Cadbury’s make white chocolate?
So that black kids can have messy faces as well!
A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to
him starts breastfeeding her baby. The baby won’t take it so she says,
“Come on, eat it all up or I’ll give it to this nice man here.” Ten
minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, “Eat
it all up or I’ll give it to this nice man here.”
The bloke says, “Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind
up, I should’ve got off four stops ago!”
Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life. Paddy
said, “I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight.”
His wife asked, “What is that?”
Paddy told her, “You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I
pick your legs up and take you from behind!”
His wife said, “Hmm, okay, I’ll do it on two conditions. First, if it
hurts you stop immediately and, second, … we don’t go down past my
mother’s house!”:laugh:
August 27, 2010 at 6:23 am #186335A son asked his mother the following question: ‘Mom, why are wedding dresses white?’
The mother looks at her son and replies: ‘Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.’
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
‘Dad why are wedding dresses white?’
The father looks at his son in surprise and says: ‘Son, all household appliances come in white.’August 30, 2010 at 10:43 pm #106626A man applying for a job at a Mildura lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
The foreman frowned and said, “I have to ask you this: have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?”
He replied: “I’ve been divorced three times, bought a Leyland P76, a Beta video player, and took up all the Telstra floats.
Then I voted for Kevin Rudd…How am I going so far?”
September 6, 2010 at 5:00 am #186764Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, ‘Dad, why are you doing that?’ His father replied, ‘Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, ‘Dad, I think the Foxtel guy wants to buy Mom …..’
The math teacher saw that Larry wasn’t paying attention in class. She called on him and said, ‘Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?’ Larry quickly replied, ‘NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!’
September 6, 2010 at 9:32 pm #106627During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying
to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question:
‘Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom ?’
Michael said: ‘Just a minute I have to go pee.’
The teacher responded by saying: ‘That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it ?’
Sherman said: ‘I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.’
‘That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners ?’
Johnny said . . .‘I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.’
September 7, 2010 at 1:55 am #187089Boony on a big bore KTM!!
hahahaha that one cracks me up every time!!
September 8, 2010 at 5:47 am #106628A granddad was reminiscing about the good old days
“When I were a boy, Momma would sent me down to da corner store with a dollar, and I’d come back with five pounds of potatoes,
two loaves of bread, three pints of milk, a pound of cheese, a packet of tea, and half a dozen eggs.Ya’ can’t do that now. Too many fuckin’ security cameras.”
September 13, 2010 at 10:45 pm #106629Why I’m divorced . . .
Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning..
I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
‘Happy Birthday!’,
and possibly have a small present for me.As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
‘ Happy Birthday.’I thought….
Well, that’s marriage for you,
but the kids….
They will remember.My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn’t say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
‘Good Morning Boss, and by the way
Happy Birthday ! ‘It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.I worked until one o’clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, ‘You know,
It’s such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..’
I said, ‘Thanks, Jane, that’s the greatest thing
I’ve heard all day. Let’s go !’We went to lunch.
But we didn’t go where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.On the way back to the office,
Jane said, ‘You know,
It’s such a beautiful day…
We don’t need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?’I responded, ‘I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?’
She said,
‘Let’s drop by my apartment,
it’s just around the corner..’After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
‘ Boss, if you don’t mind,
I’m going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I’ll be right back.’
‘Ok.’ I nervously replied.She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake …
Followed
by my wife, my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing ‘Happy Birthday’.And I just sat there….
On the couch….
Naked.
September 18, 2010 at 8:24 am #187387A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
‘Quick,’ said the woman to the lover, ‘into the closet!’ She pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
‘Who are you?’ he asked him.
‘I’m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,’ said the exterminator.
‘What are you doing in there?’ the husband asked.
‘I’m investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,’ the man replied.
‘And where are your clothes?’ asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, ‘Those little bastards!’September 18, 2010 at 12:42 pm #187552
September 19, 2010 at 1:14 am #187388OWL 02 wrote:
Quote:Why I’m divorced . . .Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning..
I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
‘Happy Birthday!’,
and possibly have a small present for me.As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
‘ Happy Birthday.’I thought….
Well, that’s marriage for you,
but the kids….
They will remember.My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn’t say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
‘Good Morning Boss, and by the way
Happy Birthday ! ‘It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.I worked until one o’clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, ‘You know,
It’s such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..’
I said, ‘Thanks, Jane, that’s the greatest thing
I’ve heard all day. Let’s go !’We went to lunch.
But we didn’t go where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.On the way back to the office,
Jane said, ‘You know,
It’s such a beautiful day…
We don’t need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?’I responded, ‘I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?’
She said,
‘Let’s drop by my apartment,
it’s just around the corner..’After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
‘ Boss, if you don’t mind,
I’m going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I’ll be right back.’
‘Ok.’ I nervously replied.She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake …
Followed
by my wife, my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing ‘Happy Birthday’.And I just sat there….
On the couch….
Naked.
owl that’s a cracka.
September 19, 2010 at 11:53 pm #106630A guy walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says, “Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache.”
The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, “If you weren’t such an idiot, you’d know that’s a sheep, not a cow.”
The guy replies, “If you weren’t such a presumptuous bitch, you’d realize I was talking to the sheep.”
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