Jokes

[drewMember]

A couple is vacationing in the West.

Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.

Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them back to the hotel, walking proudly.

He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, “Notice anything different, Helen?”

Helen looks him over, “Nope.”

Sam says excitedly, “Come on, Helen, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?”

Helen looks again, “Nope.”

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything
DIFFERENT?”

Helen looks up and says, “Sam, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Sam yells, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, HELEN? IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!”

To which Helen replies, “Shoulda bought a hat, Sam, shoulda bought a hat.”

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.

“Where did you get that ring?” her husband asks.

“Well, she replies, “My boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I
bought it with my share of the winnings.”

A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.

Where did you get that coat?” her husband asks.

She replies “My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought
it with my share of the winnings.”

Another week later, his wife comes home, driving a flaming red Ferrari,

You guessed it:

Her share of the lotto winnings…

That night, the wife asks her husband to run her a nice warm bath while
she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is
barely enough water in the bath to cover the bath plug.

“What’s this?” she asks her husband.

“Well,” he replies, “We don’t want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we??”

[Gavin BrownMember]

Did you hear about the farmer who has now become famous for growing a large plantation of Dildo’s,

Now he has heaps trouble with squatters ……

[DeanMember]

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship in distress. “Follow me, son,” the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the ship. “First we swim around the people in the water with just the tip of our fins showing.” And they did. “Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our fins showing.” And they did. “Now we eat everybody.” And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, ” Dad , why didn’t we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them? “

His wise father replied, ” Because they taste better without the shit inside!”

Ollie :laugh:

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

Paddy the Irish Firefighter was walking along the street during his
once-in-a-lifetime visit to New York when he rounds a corner and
there’s a high rise building on fire.

Paddy, ever the kind-hearted and resourceful Irishman, runs up
to the building to see if he can help–and notices people trapped 5
stories up.

Paddy yells to the people: ‘I’m Patrick Sean Michael Fitzpatrick, an
Irish Fire Fighter on holiday, I’m also a Rugby Union
fullback! If you jump, I’ll catch you!”

One lady, in desperation, jumps and sure enough Paddy catches her.

Then a man sees that Paddy catches the woman and jumps. Sure enough,
Paddy catches him as well.

Then a black man jumps out and crashes to the sidewalk. Paddy didn’t
even attempt to catch him.

Paddy looks up and yells, “Don’t be throwin’ the fookin’ burnt ones!”

[simon burkeMember]

An Aboriginal picks up a hooker.
>> How much do ya charge for da hour, sista?’ he asks.
>> $100,’ she replies.
>> He says ‘Do ya do Abadiginal style?’
>> ‘No’ she says.
>> ‘I pay ya $200 do it Aboriginal style’
>> ‘No’, she says, not knowing what Aboriginal style is.
>> ‘I pay ya $300’
>> ‘No’, she says.
>> ‘I pay ya $400’
>> ‘No’, she says.
>> So finally he says, ‘OK, I pay ya $1,000 do it Aboriginal style..’
>> She thinks, ‘Well, I’ve been in the game for over 10 years now. I’ve
>> had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world.
>> How bad could Aboriginal Style be?”.
>> So she agrees and has sex with him.
>> They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position.
>> Finally, after several hours, they finish.
>> Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, ‘Hey, I was expecting
>> something perverted and disgusting. But that was good.
>> So what exactlyis’Aboriginal style’?’
>>
>> The Aboriginal replies ‘You send da bill to da Gub’ment’
>>

[Matt BakerMember]

A koala is sitting up a gum tree … smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says, “Hey Koala! What are you doing?”
The koala says: “Smoking a joint, come up and have some.”
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’ and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: “What’s the matter with you?”
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell
into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says “Hey you!”
So the koala looks down at him and says: “Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude … how much water did you drink?!!”……….

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

The Maori and the faggot

At the end of a tiny, deserted bar is a huge Maori 2 metres tall and 150 kilos.
He’s having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obvious faggot walks in and sits beside him.
After three or four beers the pillow-biter finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Maori.
Leaning over towards the Maori he whispers, ‘Do you want a blow-job?’
At this the massive Maori leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the sword-swallower in the face, knocking him swiftly off the stool..
He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving the little dung puncher bruised and battered in the car park, and returned to his seat at the bar.
Amazed, the barman quickly brings over another beer.
‘I’ve never seen you react like that’, he says,’ Just what did he say to you?’
‘I’m not sure’, the Maori replies,
” but it was something about a job……”

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

Special Men’s survey

5,000 men surveyed were asked:
Why they liked blowjobs?
1 % liked the warmth
2 % liked the sensation
3 % liked the eroticism
94 % just liked the peace and quiet

[Matt BakerMember]

A teacher asks her class, ‘If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?’
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, ‘None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.’
The teacher replies, ‘The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.’
Then little RALPHY says, ‘I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?’

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, ‘Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.’

To which Little RALPHY replied, ‘The correct answer is ‘the one with the wedding ring on,’ but I like your thinking.’

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it’s his daughter’s birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, ‘How much for one of those Barbie’s in the display window?’ The salesperson answers, ‘Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95’.

The amazed father asks: ‘It’s what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?’

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: ‘Sir…, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken’s Car, Ken’s House, Ken’s Boat, Ken’s Furniture, Ken’s Computer, one of Ken’s Friends, and a key chain made with Ken’s balls.

[Mick DMember]

Well we got Mooses bike loaded up ready for the trip to Camerons Corner

[GregMember]

micknmeld wrote:

Quote:

Well we got Mooses bike loaded up ready for the trip to Camerons Corner

Thats so Wauchope mate :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: well done and Moose would be that casual

[DeanMember]

A woman says to her husband,”You only ever want sex when you’re drunk.”
“That’s not true,” he replies,” sometimes I want a kebab.”

Ollie :laugh:

[anthony tramontanoMember]

a womans dead body was discoverd this morning with sperm in here eyes.
police believe she probably saw her killer coming.

tramo

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