Jokes

[Matt BakerMember]

tramo141 wrote:

Quote:

a womans dead body was discoverd this morning with sperm in here eyes.
police believe she probably saw her killer coming.

tramo

Thats quality

[Mick DMember]

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son’s innocence, the mother turns around and says, “Don’t worry; that was an insect.”
To which, her son replies, “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that.”

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose washing the kitchen floor.
He’s overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground..
As he’s sh * gging her the Rev Mother comes in.
‘SISTER ROSE!!!’ she roars ‘Have some respect.
Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy’s balls off the wet floor!!’ :laugh:

[Mick DMember]

Steinlager

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stein lager.

Barman asks, “What’s wrong with Steinlager?”

Bloke replies, “I had 12 pints of it last night and when I came to I was f**king skint.”

Barman says, “But 12 pints of anything costs about the same.”

Bloke replies, “Skint’s my dog.” :laugh: :dry:

[simon burkeMember]

A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.
He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting.
At the height of the party, the host said, ‘I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.’
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing
all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell..
Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.
Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
The host says, ‘Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.’
‘Nah, you all right boss, I don’t want it,’ said Colin.
The rich man said, ‘Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?’
‘No thanks. I don’t want it,’ answered Colin.
The host said, ‘Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?’
Again, Colin said “No.”
Confused, the rich man asked, ‘Well Colin, then what do you want?’
Colin said,

‘I want the bastard that pushed me in.’
:woohoo:

[Dan BatemanMember]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

‘Impossible!’ says the doctor.. ‘Show me.’

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, ‘You’re not really a redhead, are you?

‘Well, no’ she said, ‘I’m actually a blonde.’

‘I thought so,’ the doctor said, ‘Your finger is broken.’

[scott hurleyMember]

patty the irish man goes to the vets with his beloved gold fish
doc ithink me goldfish has epilepsy
the doc says oka lets have a look
10mins goes by
the doctors says i cant see anything wrong
and patty says yeah but wait till you take him out of his tank

[glennMember]

A wife comes home and finds her hubby with her hair dryer turned on, and he is blow waving his old fella, what the fuck are you doing she says.
warming up your dinner.

[Gary BloxsomeMember]

Boony, is that the same as the the husband that comes home to find his wife sliding up and down the banister, and he says, what are you doing dear, It’s ok I’m just warming up your dinner.

[Todd JacksonMember]

An English man, Australian and an Irish man all sitting around the table at the pub, when they started talking about who had the most hospitable country in the world
The Englishman started, in my country, you walk into a pub, it’s snowing outside, people will give you a spot by the fire and you can get a warm meal and a beer to warm your cockles.
That’s nothing says the Aussie, at our pubs when you walk in everyone turns around and says hi, you can buy a beer and anyone in the pub will be happy to chat to you even buy you a beer.
“Ai’’ says the Irishman that’s nothing, I know of a pub in Ireland, where you go in, they buy you grog all night, everyone is falling over themselves to talk to you and buy you drinks, then at the end of the night they take you up stairs and shag you senseless.
Wow both the others say, that sounds fantastic pub, when did you go there,

Oh I have never been my sister told me about the place
:dry:

[Richard WMember]

When Jonny was a little boy (he’s now 90) turned up at school late again, Ms Fanny the teacher asked him why he was late.
“Well dad asked me to hook up the cart to the horse, the horse was at the bottom of the hill and the cart was at the top. When I tried to move the cart down the hill it took off and one of the poles went straight up his arse”
Ms Fanny was shocked at Jonny’s language and proceded to correct him.
“Rectum, rectum Johny”
“Recked him, It damn near fuckin killed him”

[Dan BatemanMember]

Boony wrote:

Quote:

A wife comes home and finds her hubby with her hair dryer turned on, and he is blow waving his old fella, what the fuck are you doing she says.
warming up your dinner.

My wife always seems to be on a diet when i try this… :huh:

[anthony tramontanoMember]

wazzup wrote:

Quote:

Boony wrote:

Quote:

A wife comes home and finds her hubby with her hair dryer turned on, and he is blow waving his old fella, what the fuck are you doing she says.
warming up your dinner.

My wife always seems to be on a diet when i try this… :huh:

My wife always has a headache
so i crushed up a panadol last night
i hit her up to throw a leg over
once again she said she had a headache
so i sprinkeld the crushed panadol over my old fela
and told her she could take it orally or as a suppository

[Dan BatemanMember]

It amazes me that your still married sometimes…

[anthony tramontanoMember]

wazzup wrote:

Quote:

It amazes me that your still married sometimes…

me to
it must be my boyish good looks :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[alanMember]

not realy a joke but check out the hammers http://www.videobash.com/video_show/tits-hammer-3843

[Author]

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