Jokes

[DeanMember]

That’s not what they meant Joel, when they said “Give the Dog a snag” mate… :laugh: :laugh:

[DeanMember]

Hey Joel I know you called your Girlfriend a “Bitch” but Fark me :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Ollie

[Nick JacksonMember]

Think you’re having a bad day ? I’m a siamese twin, joined at the hip, my brother is gay & i’m not. His lover is coming over ……

& we only have one arse.

[Nick JacksonMember]

Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with Mick when a lorry loaded with rolls of turf goes by.

Paddy says “I gunna do dat when I win the lottery”

“Whats dat” says Mick.

“Send me lawn away to be cut.”

[simon burkeMember]

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2030

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Little India , formerly known as Australia ..

Tasmania executes last remaining Greenie.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Australia ‘s third language.

Children from 2 parent hetrosexual families bullied in schools for being ‘different’. Tolerance urged.

Gay Marriages now overtake hetrosexual marriages as preferred ‘lifestyle’ choice.

Kookaburra and platypus plague threatens North Western Australia crops and livestock.

Melbourne schoolgirl expelled for not wearing Burqa: Being a Christian is no excuse says school. Sharia law must be enforced.

Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct and the scientific research fleet are unemployed. Australian Government have told the Japanese that Cane Toads taste like whale meat.

Australia now has 10 Universities of Political Correctness. Professor Goldman of ANU says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think.

Australian Deficit 10 $Trillion dollars and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time. Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration secret to success.

Wall Street banks merge to form new super Bank, Goldman Rothschild Ebeneezer Epstein Drescher (GREED): We’ll show Congress who is Too big to fail says CEO. Huge bonuses paid to executives to celebrate launch.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic Countries. … No other country volunteers to come forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2032.

Australia Post raises price of stamps to $18 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

After a 10-year, $75.8 billion study: Scientists prove Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of an Australian drops to 115 kgs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Vicindia and New South India .

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Senate still blocking drilling in Canberra even though gas is selling for 5,000 Rupees per litre and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Victims to be held partly responsible for crime.

Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035 as lethal weapons.

Australian Tax Office sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Carlton won this years National Footy final beating the Hindu Hornets 20-11 to 13-18

Southern Asia (formerly Northern Territory ) voters still having trouble with voting machines.

I Love This Country!

[DeanMember]

Our Julia (aka “Big red’) and The Pope

The Pope and Julia Gillard are on the same stage
at the MCG in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Ms Gillard and said,
“Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?

This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they’ll forever speak of this day and rejoice!”

Gillard replied,
“I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand?
Show me!”

So the Pope backhanded her

Ollie :laugh:

[Craig HattonMember]

when you go to KFC, ask for a Julia Gillard

You get – 2 small breasts, 2 large thighs and a big red box :laugh: :laugh:

[Nick JacksonMember]

There r 2 eggs boiling in a pot,

one egg says ‘Ive got a big crack’,

the other one replies, ‘Stop teasing, i’m not hard yet!’

[Nick JacksonMember]

On the eve of our anniversary my wife and I agreed that whoever woke up first in the morning should wake the other one with oral sex.

Come the morning I was up first so I slowly pulled back the covers……

and stuck my c#%k in her mouth.

[Nick JacksonMember]

The missus asked me “When you’re on a boys only trip do you think about me?”
Apparently “Only to stop myself coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer!

[Mick DMember]

Nickj wrote:

Quote:

The missus asked me “When you’re on a boys only trip do you think about me?”
Apparently “Only to stop myself coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer!

That made me laugh out loud in the Office!! :laugh: :laugh:

[simon burkeMember]

WORLD WAR 1 AS A PUB FIGHT :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria’s pint.

Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg.
Germany expresses its support for Austria’s point of view.
Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit.
Serbia points out that it can’t afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria’s trousers.
Russia and Serbia look at Austria.
Austria asks Serbia who it’s looking at.
Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone.
Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so.
Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene.
Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it?
Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action.
Britain and France ask Germany whether it’s looking at Belgium.
Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone.
Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium.
France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other.
Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it’s on Britain’s side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria.
Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it.
France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change.
Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting.
America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself.
By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany’s fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.

Very clever :laugh:
Bol :woohoo:

[simon burkeMember]

COUNSELLING!

Eileen and her husband John went for counselling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband John watched with a raised eyebrow!

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to John and said, ‘This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you arrange this?’

John thought for a moment and replied, ‘Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.

[Nick JacksonMember]

Mohammed entered his classroom.
” what’s your name? Asked the teacher.
“mohammed” answered the kid. “
you are in Australia now and there is no Mohammed here. From now on your name will be Bruce” replied the teacher.
In the evening, Mohammed returned home.
” How was your day Mohammed? Asked his mother.
” My name is not Mohammed, I am in Australia and now my name is Bruce”.
“Ah, are you ashamed of your name, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you” and she beat him.
Then she called the father and he too beat him.
The next day Mohammed returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked :
“what happened to you little Bruce?”
” Well Miss, 2 hours after becoming an Aussie I was attacked by two f**king Lebs!!!

[Nick JacksonMember]

Husband asks wife, “How many men have you slept with?”
Wife proudly answers,”Only you my darling …all the others kept me awake all nite shaggin!”

[Author]

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