Jokes

[Nick JacksonMember]

The Pope and Julia Gillard are on the same stage at the MCG in front of a large crowd.
The Pope leans towards Ms Gillard and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with Joy ? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they’ll forever speak of this day and rejoice!”

Gillard replied, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand ? Show me!”.

So the Pope backhanded the Bitch.

[Nick JacksonMember]

Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says,
” Dave, that’s one of the nicest most respectful things I’ve ever seen “
Mick replies,
” Well we were married for nearly 20 years “

[jasonMember]

a pregnant woman,severly overdue with triplets, goes to see her doctor for help.
the doctor hands her 3 ball bearings, telling her to swallow them before bed.
sure enough, the next day the woman gives birth to 3 healthy beautiful boys.
they have a normal childhood, with no repercussions from the ball bearings.

13 years later one of her sons come running into the house very distressed,
(son) mum, guess what just happened!!!
(mum) what happened dear?
(son) i was under the house taking a pee and a ball bearing dropped out.
(mum) oh, its fine dear, its all part of growing up
so the son goes back out to play

10 minutes later the 2nd son comes rushing into the house panicking
(son) mum, guess what just happened!!!
(mum) what happened dear?
(son) i was under the house taking a pee and a ball bearing dropped out.
(mum) oh, its fine dear, its all part of growing up
so the 2nd son goes back out to play

half an hour later the 3rd son comes running in, sweat pouring off his forehead, white as a ghost,
(son) mum, guess what just happened!!!
(mum) i know dear,you were under the house taking a pee and a ball bearing fell out, its fine dear, its all part of growing up
(son) no mum, i was under the house having a wank and i shot the cat !!!!!!

[Nick JacksonMember]

My missus thought she was being funny when she said my cock resembled a Tic Tac.
After she had finished her little victory laugh, I asked her”If that really is the case, how come your friends still have bad breath?”

[Dan BatemanMember]

i do get a laugh from your jokes Nickj,
keep em coming.

[Jason GreenMember]

Thats as good as “SUCK ON THIS ITS FOWL”! :silly:

[DeanMember]

What do you call the first Afghan off the boat?

Amhere!

What do you call the second Afghan off the boat?

Amhere Azwel!

What do you call the third Afghan off the boat?

Amhere Azwel Azhim!

Ollie :laugh:

[Nick JacksonMember]

A woman is given a hospital tour. She looks in a room, sees a man Wanking.
‘That’s awful’ she says to the Doc.He explains the man has an incurable condition. His testicles fill with semen so fast he has to do it at least 5 times a day or he will be in awful pain.
‘Poor man’ says the woman. In the next room a nurse is Sucking a mans dick
‘Explain that?’ she says 2 the Doc.
The Doc says ‘Same condition but he’s with Medibank Private”

[Nick JacksonMember]

It appears Garth Wood has won this years aboriginal art prize

– mundine on canvas

[Nick JacksonMember]

Sex is like Macdonalds;
IM LOVING IT!
Pussy is like Subway;
EAT FRESH
Dick is like Gatorade;
GET IT IN YA!
Masturbation is like KFC
FINGER LICKING FOOD
Swallowing is like Nike;
JUST DO IT

This joke is like an STD
pass it on to every fucker you know

[Mick DMember]

A heartwarming e-mail message from Glasgow .

“Hi all, it’s snowing like hell here today. My mate says that since
it’s been snowing, all his missus does is look through the window.

He reckons if it gets much worse he’ll have to let her in. :laugh:

[MalMember]

The missus was watching a cookery programme the other day.

I said, “What you watching that for? You can’t cook.”

She said, “You watch porn!”

Bitch.

[Nick JacksonMember]

FEMALE LONELY HEARTS ADS
What they really mean:

ADVENTUROUS = Slut
ATHLETIC = No tits
30 SOMETHING = 41
FUN = Annoying
WILD = Gets pissed easily
BEAUTIFUL EYES = Face like a robber’s dog
SEEKS KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR = Ex-Husbands a fucking nutter
NEW-AGE = Hairy with a smelly fanny
HEADSTRONG = Argumentative
ENJOYS PUBBING & CLUBBING = Alcoholic
CURVY = Fat c##^
CUDDLY = Fat c##^
LIKES EATING OUT = Greedy fat c##^
LIKES NIGHTS IN = Lazy fat c##^

[MalMember]

Why Men Wear Earrings

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an
earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is
curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense”

The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”

“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods
him to ask, “how long have you been wearing one?”

“Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”

(I always wondered how this trend got started)

[Nick JacksonMember]

A truck driver goes on a date with a girl, later they go back 2 her parents place,
they were just about 2 have sex on the couch when he could feel the cold barrel of a gun on his neck..when he turned around her father said

“if you’re a real truck driver you’ll back out of there with a full load”!

[Author]

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