Jokes

[GregMember]

Nickj wrote:

Quote:

A truck driver goes on a date with a girl, later they go back 2 her parents place,
they were just about 2 have sex on the couch when he could feel the cold barrel of a gun on his neck..when he turned around her father said

“if you’re a real truck driver you’ll back out of there with a full load”!

That so made me snort :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[Mick DMember]

[dennis da menaceMember]

micknmeld wrote:

Quote:

love the aussie ingenuity (spelling sux when pissed) :laugh:

[MalMember]

Vanity of Men!

The Old Flame

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called ‘out-of-the-blue’ to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I’d be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that “old magic”.

“Wow!” I was flabbergasted.

“I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now”, I said, “I’m a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don’t really have the energy I used to have.”

She just giggled and said she was sure I would “rise to the challenge”.

“Yeah.” I said. “Just so long as you don’t mind a waistline that’s a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone…everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!”

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, “I’ve put on a few pounds myself!”

So I told her to fuck off.

[drewMember]

Political incorrect jokes. :huh:

The FBI have discovered how to weave Muslim prayer mats out of plastic explosives ……. Apparently prophets are going through the roof !!

..
I’ve heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children’s iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

..
There’s a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Durban, but I’ve been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.

..
Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake – both are in intensive care…
One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma..

..
Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.

. :blink: :silly: :laugh:

[Nick JacksonMember]

The night before Xmas throughout the house,
we were all fucked, even the mouse.

Dad at the brothel, mum with uncle Frank,
I’d settled down for a nice slow wank.

Outside the house I heard a right clatter,
I let go of my cock to see what was the matter.

Out on the lawn I saw a big dick,
I knew right away It was old St Nick.

He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell.
The big fat fucker, I think he fell.

He filled all our stockings with sweets and beer,
and a big rubber cock for my brother, the queer.

He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart,
the big fat c#nt blew the house apart.

He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight,
Shoutin,I’ll be back next year, have a hell of a night.

Merry Xmas.

[Justin WilliamsMember]

What a day I have had. Just got a new sat nav and been driving around all day trying it out.

What a great piece of kit. i just typed in C&*t into it to see where I would end up and f%&k me! Stick the kettle on, I’m out side your house! :laugh:

[glennMember]

Teacher:

Little Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people’s lives?

Little Johnny answered:

Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king.

________________________________________

[glennMember]

John was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

“Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?” asked John..

“Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,” said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

“Son,” said John, “this robot is a lie detector. Now tell us where you really were after school.”

“We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie,” said Tommy.

“What did you watch?” asked Marsha.

“The Ten Commandments,” answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, “I am sorry I lied. We really watched a DVD called Sex Queen.”

“I am ashamed of you son,” said John. “When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.”

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, “Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can’t be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!” The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

[GregMember]

Very Funny Boony :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[Nick JacksonMember]

Police Raid in MOUNT DRUITT

Police just announced the discovery of an arms cache of 20 semi automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 2 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 2 tonne of heroin, $50 million in forged Australian banknotes and 5 trafficked Filipino prostitutes all in a Housing Commission house behind the Public Library in Mount Druitt.

Local residents were stunned.

A community spokesman said:

“We’re shocked. We never knew we had a fucking Library!!”

[katrina ratcliffMember]

Read this tonight and had to share!!

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer’s new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend’s life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer’s bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? (Yes, there’s a moral!)

“When You’re Hung Like A Horse, You Don’t Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!”

[Mark DrinkwalterMember]

Ouch, as a first time Harley rider today (owned the bike since May mind you) I don’t know how to take that.

Jeez if I promise never to sip a Late` when I ride or buy a leather vest and pretend it’s a “cut” can I skate by…

I just bought it because I felt like kicking back and smelling the roses as I cruise by. I didn’t realize there was so much attached to my purchase.

[Richard WMember]

Old mate is lying in bed reading his favourite bike mag when he starts to gentle run his hand up his wife’s leg.
‘Do you want to make love darling’ says his wife
‘Nah, just wetting my finger so I can turn the page.’

[drewMember]

I saw a fundamentalist Muslim extremist fall into the  Rio Grande   River  this morning; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.

Along with him was an illegal Hispanic drug cartel member who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back.

If they didn’t get help, they’d surely drown.

Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the  El Paso   County   Sheriff  ‘s Office and Homeland Security.

It is now 4pm, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.

I’m starting to think I wasted two stamps

[Author]

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