Jokes

[Nick JacksonMember]

Sometimes as a man you just can’t win.

I was holding the door open for a young lady yesterday when she said

“Will you fuck off; I’m trying to have a shit…

[Nick JacksonMember]

Happy New Year to all,! …
Make friends, made amends, lifes way to short
…play safe, stay safe, love & cherish those around you…
Love and true friendship cant be bought,
take time to let those close know how much you care.

But most of all, give anal a try – its 75 per cent tighter and 8 degrees warmer.

Sorry about that one!! But I had to pass it on

[drewMember]

while looking around on ebay i found this…. read the Q? and the seller’s answer

[ebay]http://cgi.ebay.com.au/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=120666738730#ht_2486wt_921[/ebay]

ok the ebay link thingy didn’t work…. not sure what i did wrong.

http://cgi.ebay.com.au/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=120666738730#ht_2486wt_921

[glennMember]

Cardiologist’s Funeral

A very prestigious cardiologist died and was given a very
elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life…
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following
the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart
then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When
all eyes stared at him, he said, ‘I am so sorry, I was just thinking
of my own funeral… I’m a gynaecologist.

The vicar fainted.

[glennMember]

Letter to Helpline

Hey Mate, really need your advice for a serious problem.
I have suspected for some time now that the missus has been cheating. The usual signs; Phone rings, if I answer the caller hangs up, going out with the Girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the bike. When she came home she got out of someone’s car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouched behind the bike,
I noticed…a hairline crack in the swing arm………………………….

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

[glennMember]

A TV INTERVIEW WHICH WAS NEVER AIRED IN IRELAND ….

You know there are so many TV channels, each starved of new programs.

In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter….

The interview was as follows:

The lady reporter: “I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease… Can you offer any reason for this disease?”

The farmer stared at the reporter and said: ……………
“Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?”

Reporter (obviously embarrassed): “Well, sir, that’s a new piece of information.But what’s the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”

Farmer: “And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?”

Reporter: “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?”

Farmer: “I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day…. And only screwing you once a year, wouldn’t you get mad?”

The program was never aired…

[GregMember]

Boony wrote:

Quote:

Letter to Helpline

Hey Mate, really need your advice for a serious problem.
I have suspected for some time now that the missus has been cheating. The usual signs; Phone rings, if I answer the caller hangs up, going out with the Girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the bike. When she came home she got out of someone’s car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouched behind the bike,
I noticed…a hairline crack in the swing arm………………………….

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

Thats Gold :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[glennMember]

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset
about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”

Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.”

“The first is that I iron better than you.”

Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”

Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”

Wife: “Oh yeah?”

Maria: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.”

Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”

Maria: “Jor hozban did.”

Wife increasingly agitated:

“Oh he did did he???”

Maria: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.

“And did my husband say that as well?”

Maria: “No Señora…….”

“The gardener did.”

Wife: “So how much do you want?”

[peteMember]

Boony wrote:

Quote:

Letter to Helpline

Hey Mate, really need your advice for a serious problem.
I have suspected for some time now that the missus has been cheating. The usual signs; Phone rings, if I answer the caller hangs up, going out with the Girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the bike. When she came home she got out of someone’s car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouched behind the bike,
I noticed…a hairline crack in the swing arm………………………….

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

I recon you have peaked too early boony, Thats got my vote for joke of 2011, i love it, its red hot.
Top work.

[glennMember]

Little Johny asks for a bike for his bithday,His Dad say , listen Johny our mortage is $200,000 and your mum has lost her job so it probably won`t happen.” next day Little Johny walks out with his suitcase packed,His dad asks , where you going mate, Johny replied ,I walked past your room last night and I heard you tell mum you were pulling out and then I heard mum tell you to wait coz she was comin too.And i`ll tell you now I`m not staying here on my own with a $200,000 mortgage and no fuckin bike! :laugh:

Boony

[simon burkeMember]

Bloke in a night club sees a huge fat girl at the bar he walks up to her and asks”Have you got a pen?”

She looks up and smiled and says”Yes I do”

“Well” he says”you’d better f-ck off back to it then before the farmer finds you’r missing”

[GregMember]

BOLLOCKS wrote:

Quote:

Bloke in a night club sees a huge fat girl at the bar he walks up to her and asks”Have you got a pen?”

She looks up and smiled and says”Yes I do”

“Well” he says”you’d better f-ck off back to it then before the farmer finds you’r missing”

Now that’s bloody funny :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[drewMember]

Trailboss wrote:

Quote:

BOLLOCKS wrote:

Quote:

Bloke in a night club sees a huge fat girl at the bar he walks up to her and asks”Have you got a pen?”

She looks up and smiled and says”Yes I do”

“Well” he says”you’d better f-ck off back to it then before the farmer finds you’r missing”

Now that’s bloody funny :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

as a bloke i find this Highly Offensive !! :angry:

a ‘bloke’ would not be in a night club, he would be in a Pub. 😆 :cheer:

[Peter HornMember]

[img]http://www.obtrailriders.com/media/kunena/attachments/legacy/images/Div_barbie.JPG[/img]
The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father on his way home suddenly remembers that it’s his daughter’s birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the salesperson, ‘How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?’ The salesperson answers, ‘Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95’.

The amazed father asks: ‘It’s what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?’

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: ‘Sir…, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken’s Car, Ken’s House, Ken’s Boat, Ken’s Furniture, Ken’s Computer, one of Ken’s Friends, and a key chain made with Ken’s balls.

[Just a warm-up, I’ll do better next time…. ]

[Nick JacksonMember]

My girlfriend invited me to her house, I found her sister alone in the house, she was unbelieveably sexy, she whispered in my ear I have feelings for you shall we have sex.
I immediately turned around and walked to the front door to go to the car, I found my girlfriend standing there, she hugged me and said you’ve won my trust.

Moral of the story always keep ya condoms in the car

[Author]

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